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Wrestling Widow- this is long
My husband is a high school varsity wrestling coach and a school teacher. He's been coaching for eight years but this is the first year that he is the head coach. We also have a new baby boy who was born in August. 2011 was a busy year for me personally. I graduated from nursing school, took state boards, had the baby and started a new nursing position. Wrestling season started just as I was starting my new job.
It has been really hard on me. I've been dealing with post partum depression and some days, like today, I have no motivation. I love my son dearly and am so happy that we had him. I just feel like a single mom. My husband is gone from 6am to 8pm. Then sometimes we have parents or wrestlers calling when he gets home. Sunday is his only day to spend with me and the baby and most the time he's so worn out from the week to do much. He does make an effort though and he is a good dad. He helps out at night if the baby wakes up and since Sunday is my only day to have time to myself he'll hang out at home so that I can go do something that I enjoy.
Last night my husband and I were talking and I said that I just feel like crying. I'm trying to figure out what to do about school (I have to further my degree to keep my job) and I need a job with benefits so that I get tuition reimbursement. If I do get a benefitted position it will mostly be a midnight position and I don't know what we'll do about child care. I'm just so worn out and don't know what to do. My husband says that I'm getting worked up over nothing and that I just need to have faith in God and we'll get through it. I'm not going to lie, I am resentful to some extent because he hasn't given up much, while I've had to compromise my job, my hobbies, and my sanity. I cry a lot, I'm below my pre-pregnancy weight, and I've had problems producing breastmilk. My husband has suggested that I go to a counselor and I've been once.
He said that he won't give up coaching because it's his passion and dream. I can understand that he loves coaching so much, but I feel he's putting it ahead of his family. Are there any other wives of coaches out there that can offer advice? Thanks!
Re: Wrestling Widow- this is long
That's frustrating, and completely unfair to you.
I understand what it's like - my husband is a teacher and coaches basketball. He spends TONS of time, and during the busiest parts of the season, he is gone for long days, and away to tournaments on weekends too. It's definitely his passion, and I'm proud of him for it because he does so much for the kids at his little rural school.
But but but, we do not have children yet, and he has expressed time and time again that he will likely not be coaching at all the first year we have a new baby, and he will keep a lighter coaching load for the first few years after that.He loves coaching, but he loves me more, and he'll love our kid(s) more - and in the big scheme of things, a little time away from coaching for the good of the family is an absolutely miniscule sacrifice to make.
If you guys have a new baby, I assume that you're relatively young like us. a handful of years of a lighter coaching load is not going to ruin your husband's coaching career. But, he is never going to get the time back that he misses out on with your kid, and he will certainly regret the potentially irreparable damage he may be doing to your relationship.
It's BS that your husband is suggesting that just YOU go to a counselor. As if this whole situation is something you just need to deal with and fix yourself. You guys should be a team, and he's clearly not pulling his weight.
I don't really see it the way Jens does. My H is the head football coach. When I met him his dream was to coach and I've known this all along. This is why we've put off having kids. I wanted to be in a solid place with my career before having children because I know that a big part of the child care will be put on me.
I also see no reason with your H recommending you see a counselor. If you are suffering from PP you definitely need to be seeing someone.
I think that my husband would go to counseling once the season is over. He did take yesterday off so that we could go tour a daycare center for our son, but I know that his mind was partly on wrestling. I have expressed that I would like him to quit coaching for a while but he says that once he's out, it's so hard to get back to where he was. Plus he gets upset when I mention quitting because I knew what I was getting into when we got engaged. It's true, I did know that he was passionate about the sport, but I didn't realize it was this crazy. I'm glad though that it's only one sport. The second year of our marriage he coached football (Aug-Nov.) then went right into wrestling (Nov.-March) then played on two softball teams which was a three night a week commitment (May through Aug.) It was insane!
I've read other blogs from wives of coaches and they say that it's a real struggle, but they're behind their man and it's such a blessing. I don't share the same feelings, obviously. I'm just glad that it's down to one month!
i'm sorry you are having a difficult time, and i can definitely see how your husband's busy schedule could exacerbate your feelings of isolation, feeling overwhelmed, etc. It is probably common for the spouses of coaches to have a hard time dealing with how precious little time their significant other can actually be home.
that being said, it does sound like the way you are feeling needs to be better addressed by a professional. It sounds like you are placing a lot of blame for your depression on your husband's coaching job. unfortunately, if he were to quit tomorrow, i don't think it would solve all your problems.
i hope you take care of yourself.
" I'm not going to lie, I am resentful to some extent because he hasn't given up much, while I've had to compromise my job, my hobbies, and my sanity. "
Can you say more about this? What does your husband say to this? I understand that he says that coaching is his dream, but does he have anything to say about your dreams and sacrifices?
I see two issues here: the coaching, and the PPD and worries about yourself and going back to school.
I don't want to minimize what it's like to deal with a new baby alone during the season, but how many months is it? I know around here wrestling season, and the crazy hours, are November to February. Are there family members or friends who can give you a break during those months? Also remember that next year, when your son is a full year older, dealing with wrestling season is going to be much easier. Do you have more elaboration of what he hasn't given up, or is it just the coaching?
As for the second issue, it sounds like he's not much help in figuring out how you're going to deal with school and getting back to work. You two need to work on that together and just having faith is not enough.
When I say that my husband hasn't had to give up much I mean wrestling. He would love to be able to hunt more but wrestling doesn't allow that. Before wrestling season started he was able to go out into the woods after work and on the weekends.
I on the otherhand arrange my schedule around his. I have to go back to school in order to keep my job. I understand that he needs an outlet or a hobby but this is so time consuming. I have a hard time understanding why wrestling is more important than my education/career. He gets paid for coaching but it doesn't amount to much. Our financial advisor says we are basically tithing (time, money, our vehicle). Hubby says I have to be more supportive and help out. He has me lecture the kids at the beginning of the season on nutrition. I really don't like doing it, but I go along with it anyway.
My husband is a really a good man. He's a good father, he's funny, helps out when he gets home, and he does so much for his family, school, etc., so he's not a jerk. I just wish that I didn't feel so horrible. Our baby has been fussier lately because he's teething and some days it's so hard.
We do have family around that help out when they can. We mainly ask our mothers to babysit if we need a sitter. We are fortunate to have them.
How can you be more supportive and help out? You are raising your new baby without him there. That is a real a**hole thing to say, in my opinion.
Ok, well now you're kind of backpedaling and making excuses for him. If you're upset and need him to change his attitude and compromise more, then you'll have to figure out a way to communicate that to him. If you think it's all just you, and he's great and doesn't need to change, then why are you here talking about how upset and overwhelmed you're feeling about his lack of help?
I'm not trying to be hard on you, because clearly you are having a tough time - but don't let yourself be a martyr.
I feel for you -- I remember how difficult it was when my son was the same age as your son, and my husband was travelling often, and for long periods of time, for work.
I don't understand his comment that you need to be more supportive. I don't see how you can be doing more. If it's just the months of wrestling season that's hard to bear, I'd say at least it has an end date, and it will be so much easier next year. It seems, however, like he's not understanding what a difficult time you're having now in things unrelated to wrestling, and either you're not communicating it well to him or he's not listening.
When he says I need to be more supportive I think he wants me to be more like the other coaches wives. They are totally into wrestling and go to all the matches. I really don't enjoy the sport and he knows it. He also knows that I'm just not a team sport kind of gal. I'm sure I'll be more involved IF our son becomes a wrestler. I did tell him that it's a lot to ask of me right now with everything going on. I was able to make it to one meet this season.
So anyways, I'm going to talk to him about going to a counselor. Thanks for the advice everyone! I appreciate it.