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Advice - Long (Discovered Dad died 2.5 years ago)
I need some advice and a friend recommend this board to me.
First, the background.
My birth mom (BM) got knocked up with me and quickly got married to my birth father (BF). BF saw me for 5 days before he was shipped out by the military. A year later they were divorced.
BF was never in my life and BM wasn't ready to be a mom so my maternal grandparents raised/adopted me.
BM is in my life and we're working on that relationship.
However BF was never in my life. He was welcomed by my grandparents to be in my life but his new wife (aka Evil Stepmom (ES)) didn't want him to have anything to do with me. While I was in high school I tried to reconnect and we took it slow. I thought everything was going well until ES snapped and told me to stay out of their lives. I last saw/spoke with my BF almost 10 years ago.
End background.
So I go about my life and randomly come across my BF's obituary. I discover that he died 2.5 years ago and no one told me. So I put on my detective hat and discover no one on my father's side knew because ES isolated him and BF had nothing to do with them.
Obit mentioned a new wife (aka wife #3 (W3)) and no mention of me.
Thanks to Facebook I find W3. Turns out she was looking for me for years. Discovered BF died of cancer and she didn't learn about me until after the obit was written.
Also learned BF divorced ES two years after I saw him and BF & W3 raised my half siblings. W3 still was raising half siblings after BF's death.
Then as I talked to W3 learned that I guess he wasn't truthful. BF had lied to W3 on his family history. She had to learn from me was was actually wife #3 and not wife #2 as she thought.
Conversations went well. For the first time we both got answers to questions we had. Another shocker is I learned that BF was adopted so my grandparents I knew weren't related to me, nor is my aunt and her family. (I questioned aunt and her reply was "I thought you knew.")
Eventually we both ran out of questions to ask, but have decided to stay in contact.
I have to admit that while the news of my BF was shocking it didn't make me sad to know he died. I've come to understand this man was not my father, but I feel nothing knowing that a part of me in this world is dead. I take comfort in the fact that I now know why he's not in my life and I won't have to deal with sticky situations of explaining it to future children.
I'm struggling as to why he didn't reach out to me before he died. Did he think I would reject him? Was I not even a thought in his final moments?
Also I'm unsure what direction I want to go in with W3 and my half siblings. She seems very nice and is raising the half siblings that don't know me. My concern is that ES is still out there and could jeopardize any relationship with half siblings.
I'm also having an identity crisis. It is was one thing not growing up with your dad, but still having contact with his family. It's another to learn that they aren't your blood. Also I'm a little concerned about my family history and fearful of the unknown.
Any advice?
Re: Advice - Long (Discovered Dad died 2.5 years ago)
Sorry you have had it rough and i would imagine it has caused some issues in your life.
BUT..the first thing you need to understand and grasp is that your father had a choice and he was a grown man...and no one kept him away from you but HIM!. This isnt wife #2's fault, it is your fathers. You need to let go of wife #2 entirely and focus on your father and #3 if youd like. Wife #2 didnt lie to #3 about you he did....his choice once again.
I dont know how wife 2 could jeopardize your relationship with 1/2 siblings?
You need a lot of therapy to sort this all out.
Are your 1/2 siblings his kids w/ W2 but that W3 is now raising??? How old are they?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
To make a long story even longer.
While trying to rekindle some sort of a relationship with BF I got a letter from ES. The letter basically called me trash and I was worthless compared to her kids. She went on to say that all mail I had sent BF (like I said we took it slow and I sent BF letters because I had no phone number) had been burned by ES without his knowledge and Christmas gifts I had sent had been trashed by her.
She also sent BF's mother a letter to the same effect and she wanted a large sum of cash or BF wouldn't be in her life. The woman is seriously unbalanced.
As far as I know BF never got my letters or had my address or phone number. I always traveled to his place with BF's mom.
For all he knew BF may have felt we all just cut off contact with him and ES fled the flames.
I have countless other stories told by BF's family about ES screaming at them and other horrible behavior.
One of the big reasons I was adopted by my maternal grandparents was fear of my BM dying (she has health issues) and me being carted away having to live with that woman.
I'm not saying my BF was innocent in this, BUT she has a serious issue with me. And in the end he choose her.
Like I mention this before if this woman is awful enough to burn my letters and trash Christmas gifts to her kids from me I'm just scared to have any kind of a relationship with my half siblings.
Half siblings are BF and ES's kids. They are 20 and 18.
so, why are they with #3. they are adults and also can make their own decisions...you are giving this woman too much credit for other peoples choices. I understand you are very angry but your anger is misdirected for the most part. You DO NOT have to have anything to do with this woman,.
As W3 told me "I'm their mom and I'm going to continue to raise them. I was ready to go to court for custody of them." ES never came for them. Half siblings never choose to live with her, however they have visitation with her.
I don't, but my half siblings do. I just don't want to have a relationship with my half siblings and this woman interferes resulting in what happened the last time.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Wow. Didn't realize these boards would be so "Team Evil Stepmom" I've shared my story NUMEROUS times with other people and not one single person has ever taken her side. Ever.
Because I'm sure these friends you have told have been emtionally connected to you in some manner and don't look at it as objectively as a bunch of strangers.
Nobody is team ES. She does sound like an evil person. However, YOU are giving her to much control over your life. She cannot make things hard for you unless you allow that (just like your dad was an adult and didn't have to listen to her, you are an adult and don't have to listen to her.)
I really think what has happened to you has sucked - and I feel for you. Get some therapy because ES shouldn't be a second thought in your life these days.
wow. lets start with the good- there's a nice lady who wants to stay in touch with you and you have part siblings. that's good!!! you both probably will have more questions as the years go on and, imo anyway-you should stay in touch.
for the bad-i dont blame you for wanting answers/having an identity crisis. i would as well! but just because someone isn't your blood doesn't make them NOT your family. the grandparents who raised you were your grandparents-blood relation not required. as for your father. who knows. you will never know. i think that some therapy sessions might really help you out especially dealing with the questions which you will never get answered. i'll give you my opnion but clearly i dnt know you or him so it's just a hunch. he was irresponsible. he made mistakes. he didn't take responsibilites for his actions. i'm not saying he didn't think about you or care but given his track record he may have not known how to deal with it/you. who knows.
and i encourage you to stay in touch with wife #3 and siblings. if anything good can come out of this it's a nice relationship with others who you are connected with.
If you don't try to have a relationship with your half siblings that is on you and not ES. Point is you don't know what the woman will do and should not have that be a reason to stand in your way. She is standing in your way because you have built her up to be important. She is not important. Her own children do not live with her. Her children are adults, they can make their own decisions on who they want in their lives. Don't live in the fear she can somehow ruin getting to know them.
I would ask W3 if there is any medical history for your Dad. Have you been to therapy to sort all of this out? Good luck.
No one here has been Team Evil Stepmom. We're just pointing out that, as evil as she is, she's not omnipotent. It looks like your perception of her controlling your BF is making you afraid that she's going to be able to control your half-siblings and keep them from you, when the reality is that your BF made choices that weren't under Evil Stepmom's control, especially after they divorced. And that being the case, Evil Stepmom has a lot less power over people than you realized, which means that she's unlikely to have any impact on your life at this point whatsoever, half-siblings or no.
that's right keep redirecting your anger to other people. Therapy will help you put the blame 100% of it where it belongs....your father.
Your 1/2 siblings are also grown adults and if they want a relationship with you they dont need mommies permission...again you are blaming her for decisions made by grown ups.
So, if you want to call that team es go right ahead, ill call it team direct your anger where it rightfully belongs.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I would seek out some resources on dealing with adoption, and work through that whether it be adoption websites, books, or therapy on the topic. Yes your dad was adopted, so yes your family is not your blood like you thought but then again you were adopted by your grandparents so there is a lot in common here. You may want to search to see if there are any relative that you can find.
In the situation with your half siblings and Wife 3, I absolutely would stay in touch with them. If they don't live with Evil Stepmom then she won't have control over the phones and mail like your dad, and you won't have to worry about it.
OP has every right to be mad at Evil Stepmom- she sounds like a peach, and it does sound like she is also angry at her dad for not trying harder and for the lies.
I think you just have to go with your gut--if you want to get together with W3 and half siblings, go for it. If not, I don't think you have any requirement to do so.
I do agree that you are giving W2 a lot more power than she actually has. As the child of a crazy person (for lack of a better quick description), they do everything they can to manipulate people, but it is ultimately my choice of how much of that behavior to ignore. Same as it is the choice of everyone around W2.