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Is this just sex making me feel vulnerable?
OK, let's discuss my new love life. Give me all your thoughts, good bad and ugly.
Things have been going great with J. We've had 5 dates in 11 days, and are seeing each other again tomorrow. Things have been really comfortable, we've been getting to know each other and getting along great. We've slept together one more night after the first night (and it was so good we did it again an hour later 
).
Last night we went bowling and to dinner, and things seemed to be going like normal during bowling, but then at dinner I felt a shift of sorts. Suddenly, conversation seemed sort of awkward-ish, like we were having trouble finding things to talk about. It just felt more like a first date should, and it's the first time that happened with us, because we were really comfortable together right off the bat. We did talk about how things were going, and he said he was happy. I asked him how he felt about how often we were seeing each other, because I certainly don't want him to feel smothered or anything. He said he was good with it and liked seeing me on average every other day. He had told me that he had family coming in today or tomorrow for the weekend, so I assumed that I wouldn't see him again until Sunday night or Monday, and I was fine with that. But when I mentioned it, he said that he probably wouldn't see them until Friday because they had other family to see, too, and did I want to see him Thursday? Sure, sounds great. So we made plans for him to come to my house for the first time and watch a movie.
We left dinner and went back to his place, and just sat on the couch cuddling and talking. We were both a little tired, so before long I said I needed to go. Maybe it's just because he was tired, but I got the vibe that he was...relieved?...that I was going, because he seemed to get up and get his shoes and coat on really quickly to walk me out. And when he did walk me out to my car, he walked slightly in front of me instead of beside me holding my hand like he had the last few times he'd walked me to my car at the end of the night.
So today, I sent him a text at about 3 with my address and asked if 7 was good tomorrow. I didn't hear back from him until almost 7:30 (which is weird because he always texts me back pretty quickly and he gets off work at 4). The text said, "Sounds good. Sorry, I thought I pressed send earlier. How was your day?"
I replied that it was good, and asked him what he thought about us making dinner tomorrow too, and if so, what was he craving?
A half hour later, he replies, "Wow...dinner...hmmm 
not sure..." So I said, "Well, you have to eat ;-) Think about it and we can hit the grocery store when you get here." 15 minutes later, he just says...ok
I felt like I was getting a weird vibe, so I thought I'd go. I said, "OK, have a good night, see you tomorrow!" And he just replied, K...goodnight It was just 8pm.
So, I'm suddenly feeling like something's weird. How do you interpret his actions (the awkward conversations, the hurry for me to leave, the short answers to texts after long pauses; along with him saying he was happy, and asking to see me again before I thought I would), am I just reading something into it that isn't there because I'm feeling vulnerable because of having sex with him? Or do you think something might actually be weird and I should maybe pull back a little?
And as you're formulating your answers, keep in mind that A) it's been years since I've felt this kind of immediate spark, so I kinda don't know how to act, and 
I still can't believe that he even wanted to see me a second time, because I'm fighting those feelings of inadequacy (thanks, ex-DH, I'm glad I'm still dealing with the effects of you!). Now...be gentle with me. Tell me I'm crazy if I am, but do it in a nice way 
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Re: Is this just sex making me feel vulnerable?
5 dates in 11 days? Wowza - I'm a bit jealous. I'm lucky to have had the 3 in the past month (I've been travelling, he's in the military at a base 45 minutes away with a 4:30 am wake up time, so we can only meet up on the weekends).
In re: your feelings, I'm going to jump in and say that this is probably just you feeling vulnerable. And I only say that because I can TOTALLY see myself feeling the same way (because I HAVE) when it's been absolutely nothing. You may be right that he's been short lately in his messages, and that he was relieved to have you go home the other night, but that could be any number of things, including him being stressed that he had relatives coming into town.
See how things go tmrw. Actually see how things are going AFTER his family leaves town. If it still seems like he's pulling away at that point, THEN you can start to be concerned. Until then, I'd take a step back and realize that you guys dived into the deep end in head first and maybe he's just taking some time to come up for air before diving back in, or maybe he's just overwhelmed that he has family coming into town.
"You don't get to be all puke-face about your kid shooting your undead baby daddy when all you had to do was KEEP HIM IN THE FLUCKING HOUSE, LORI!" - doctorwho
This! You know how you can't act like yourself 100% of the way in the beginning of dating. Maybe he was gassy or something equally embarassing for him.
Haha I said this in jest but it could be something really innocuous that you're driving yourself crazy over. Don't fret, not yet
This just made me laugh out loud!!!
I agree with the others, see how things go tomorrow and after his family leaves. I don't know about you, but I'm super crazy stressed when I have to deal with my family.
I always tend to overthink things, so hopefully you're right. The family visiting is just his brother in law and niece, so it's not like some huge "visit" visit to be stressed over. Plus, I get the feeling that he's the kind of guy that never gets stressed unless it's something huge.
I think maybe I'm worried in the back of my mind that we're going to get so comfortable with the physical aspect of the relationship and the emotional aspect is going to fall behind, or that we're going to fall back on the physical part when we start discovering the things that don't work, just because the sex really is THAT amazing.
He did tell his nearly 16 year old daughter that he was seeing someone, though, which to me is huge, so I don't think he'd say that to her and then change his mind. But stranger things have happened, and I don't discount anything in relationships anymore after some of the stuff I've dealt with!
You're right. We're in this weird middle phase, where it's past the early "first few dates" thing, but we've already jumped way ahead and gotten really comfortable with each other in so many ways. We haven't said anything about a "status", or the "boyfriend" thing, because it's way too early for that, IMO. I know that he hid his okcupid profile after the first date, saying that he only talked to one person at a time, and he's said that he's happy and really likes me, but we both have this kind of unwritten rule where we evaluate at around 2 months for "relationship" status. (Yeah, we both discovered we do the exact same thing while on the first date.) I certainly don't think he's going to be dating more than one person at a time, but I think it's too soon to be talking about "let's be boyfriend and girlfriend".
My guess is that he had terrible gas and wanted to fart out loud, alone. You know how it feels to hold on to farts for hours? lol
Seriously, don't over analyze. His family coming is probably stressful. He might have to make a million plans already. Take it easy tomorrow. Cook something for him as a surprise. Skip the planning + grocery store trip. He'll probably be back to his old self once the family is gone.
This. Admittedly (and this sounds/is stupid) until my relationship was official on fb, I felt incredibly vulnerable and uneasy. Once you talk about it, I think you'll feel better. But I'd wait til after his family visits.
I think you moved pretty quickly and don't really know this guy. I think you might be overanalyzing the texts/behaviour a bit but in reality you are being intimate without being exclusive so it makes sense that you are feeling this way (uneasy, unsure of the relationship status, etc.)
I don't know why you think he wouldn't be dating more than 1 person at a time... you have known him less than 2 weeks. He could be a major player?
I have moved too quickly in the physical parts of relationships myself and end up feeling confused and unsure also. I am actually realizing that I can't have "just sex" with someone that I really like without knowing that we are exclusive because I don't like how it makes me feel to have sex with someone and then worry if they will call me/blow me off, etc.
I also think it quite odd that he told his daughter about someone he has been seeing for less than 2 weeks. Even if she is 16 it's not necessary.
I would proceed without the rose colored/sex goggles and be more realistic about the whole thing -- you two don't really know each other and have moved very quickly. I hope everything works out the way you want!
I'm definitely not used to this whole "liking someone" bit. It was nothing even close with Stalker Guy. With my last serious relationship, I never felt like this either, just out of the blue like this. I'm not sure I like not being in control of my feelings!
As far as him not seeing anyone else, I trust what he says. If he says he won't talk to more than one person at a time, and he's spending about every other day with me and every other weekend with his kids, I don't think he'd have the desire to juggle someone else in the little bit of time he has left over. And really, with so little invested in me, if he wanted to see someone else, it would be no skin off his nose to just drop me and pursue someone else.
I'm not sure exactly why he told his daughter he was seeing someone. From what I gather, he hasn't really dated much since his divorce, and he said that he's just happier all around right now, so maybe she noticed that and commented on it? I think he also likes to give them a heads up that there's someone in the picture that they might meet down the road instead of just springing it on them. That's my best guess anyway.
I didn't read the other responses before posting so I could answer without a jaded opinion.
If something feels "off" especially so quickly into a relationship, it usually is, unfortunately. If anyone gathers anything from the advice I try to give on here and the way I live my life is that I'm a big believer in following a gut instinct. It never seems to go well when you're talking yourself into or out of something. I feel like, after reading your post, that you DO think something is off, but you are trying to reassure yourself that it's ok.
I think that when something is right, it's just RIGHT and there isn't a lot of feelings of wondering or analyzing. It should be easy when it's right. I read a quote one time that was something like "if he likes you, you'll know it, if he doesn't you'll be confused" and it pretty much sums it up.
But I do think that the sooner we are intimate with someone, the more feelings get rushed. You're moving at a really fast pace with this guy and, my advice to you would be to have an honest conversation about slowing it down, to where you are actually comfortable and taking things as they come, instead of stressing out about every little move. This stage is supposed to be fun and carefree!
This x 1000. Tread carefully here. He may just be really excited to have met you and wanted to tell her, on the other hand he may not have told her and only told you he did because he thought it might make you feel good. Dunno bout this one CE...def keep us updated.
Everything felt great up until that night, and the more I think about it, the more I think I'm bringing this on myself because of my feelings of inadequacy. I never start dating someone new in the winter because of how bad my skin looks, how much I feel frumpy in sweaters, and how my SAD affects me. So this probably is all just in my head, I'm sure. I feel like I'm the only person in the world that can search like a bloodhound to find something wrong when things are actually great. Probably comes from the ex-DH's abuse and the unhealthy relationships I've been in since then.
Im just going to let it all go and have a good night tonight, no matter what.
achase said it better than I could (though I did read the responses). A huge
I think you're probably overanalyzing.
I'll just point out, you say that you worry about him "changing his mind" about you. That's how I felt the first month i was dating DH. Things were good, they were moving fast and that wigged me out. Because I knew I was getting emotionally attached and we connected but that some things that are dealbreakers only come out with time, through knowing someone and seeing how they react to situations. I was less worried about him "changing his mind" than stumbling across some fundamental incompatibility when we clearly liked each other and had become emotionally invested. When you originally met him and said you were so into him immediately, I advised you that you needed to allow yourself to feel that way and if things didn't work out, trust yourself that you are strong enough to get through it. This still applies. I think slowing down is good advice. But also know that if things don't work out, if he doesn't turn out to be a good fit for you long term, you are strong enough to get past it and you still have an awesome life that makes you happy. Sure, you'll be sad and that will majorly suck, but you'll still be awesome just the same.
Yeah, I definitely think that applies, too, kel. It seems like we both liked each other so much so fast that it's kinda scary when you think that the "like" may stay even if you find out over time that it's not a good fit. Because it sucks to break up with someone you really have feelings for just because you know you should!
Thanks, all, for the constructive advice. We'll see how tonight goes!
I agree with this to some extent. When a guy likes you, you should be able to just know. BUT I think this also assumes that we aren't insecure, over-analytical people that sometimes sabotage things that should be easy and not confusing. I don't think the guy's behavior is anything to think twice about but when you are in a gray zone and feel insecure about where you stand then it is easy to feel confused or that something is off. It's easy to make things much more complicated. At 11 days though you shouldn't be thinking at all, it's just way too early.
I am going to be honest here, chances are he doesn't really like you yet and you are just picking up on that reality. It's not personal by any means... it's been 11 days, that is just not enough time for anyone to truly develop any sort of meaningful emotions IMO. It sure sounds like what you have here is promising and exciting but I just think it's way to early to be expecting anything from him at all and to add any sort of meaning to what he says and does. He probably really isn't thinking about it at all and is just enjoying the time you are having on a very superficial level. I'm sure he will happily take what you give without thinking too much into it (especially at this early stage) so just be careful and seriously consider what you are okay and willing to give.
True. But then again, I've done it before, and this is the first time I've had this reaction.
Ditto. You are worried because you're not texting all night when you aren't spending time together? And you've been on 5 days in 11 days? I think you're moving too fast and too dependent on this guy. Slow down.
I'm with the others who are saying that your gut is telling you something is off and you should listen to your gut. I say that espcecially because now you are trying to rationalize all over the damn place.
Good luck though. I hope I'm wrong.
As a chronic overanalyzer, I wanted to reply to this thread...
It's really hard to not overanalyze things, especially when you come the land of divorce, like most of us do. Having said that, I agree with achase that it's very important to listen to your gut with all of this. I think that you are moving quite fast into this relationship and you really don't know the guy. I don't think you should focus on what he's saying/not saying in texts or how long it takes him to respond. You should be focusing more on the way you feel around each other when you're together.
Finally, you don't have to wear your heart on your sleeve with this guy. It's ok not to lay all of your cards out on the table and it's probably better to protect yourself a little so that you don't feel devastated if/when things end with this guy. If anything, take it as a wonderful experience and try to live in the moment.
Totally agree. Its been 11 days. I know its easier said than done, but relax.