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So the time between knowing you want to leave and telling him you want to leave is so sad and hard..
I am still hanging in limbo here, working through things with my therapist to get to the point that I am ready to tell my H that I want out of our marriage. And I feel like this is 100% the right thing to do because the fact that he had an affair is such a deal-breaker for me, and I was not happy in my marriage even before I found that out. And I also know that I am not ready to do the actual leaving yet and am working through my various issues to get to the place that I am ready to do that. But this in between stuff is just so hard.
Today, we were talking a little bit about our expenses, and he was talking about how he was going to take over a couple of our bills now that his child support is ending (he is still helping to pay for his sons' college costs, but his child support payments to their mom will end by June when the second graduates from high school), so he wants to start paying our cable bill and our auto insurance, which were both things I have always paid (we don't have combined accounts and split our expenses up pretty evenly), and all I could think was, "At some point, I am going to have to tell you that I don't want to be married to you anymore." And the thought of saying that to him and hurting him in that way means I am sitting here typing this out to you guys and crying about it, even though the precursor to all this was him doing something that hurt me terribly. And as he's talking about taking over our auto insurance payments in July, I am thinking, "God, I hope I am not still here in July," and even though I know this is not logical, I feel like I am betraying him by thinking this way (and I know full well that he was the one who betrayed me, so you don't have to remind me of that).
I don't really need any advice or anything, but I do know that some of you know what it's like to be in this in-between place, so I guess I just needed someone to vent to. If I could fast-forward through all this crap, I absolutely would because doing the work of this is so, so difficult.
Re: So the time between knowing you want to leave and telling him you want to leave is so sad and hard..
::HUGS::
I was in your same situation, and I know how much it hurts and how terrible you feel. I'm really sorry that you're going threw this, but know that you WILL get past this, and it WILL get better.
If you ever need to chat / vent, feel free to PM.
"You don't get to be all puke-face about your kid shooting your undead baby daddy when all you had to do was KEEP HIM IN THE FLUCKING HOUSE, LORI!" - doctorwho
Sorry you are having such a rough time!!
I also can relate to that in between phase. During that phase we went on vacation to visit my family. The difference was that he knew things were rocky and that I might lead which made it even more awkward. The whole time he didn't engage and he told me it was because he didn't even know if he would ever see those people again (my family lives out of state and he hadn't met any of them over the 6 1/2 years we were together).
Good news is, it will all be over eventually and you'll survive. Sounds like you are making good progress in therapy though!! Keep your head up and things will get better
Hugs, Hugs and More Hugs,
I too am so sorry you are going through this. I can say that it is VERY painful, but everyday will get better. It's definitely a struggle to try to sort through all the bills, emotions, the divorce and just trying to figure out where you belong... at least thats my problem. If I could say/do or tell you any one thing that would help you get through this any faster, I would. It just takes time and if constantly reminding yourself that HE is the one that actually ended the marriage by cheating, makes you feel better, then by all means do so.
I hope all of this works out for you and that your healing process is not long and drawn out.
Right there with you.
I'm in limbo too. I'm still in the deciding to divorce phase, but I'm just overwhelmed with the idea of having to tell him I feel this way.
My husband has never betrayed me and has put up with a ton of crap from me. A TON. Yet, I feel like we are just so emotionally disconnected. Dates are no fun, we don't talk about anything anymore execpt superficial stuff, and the sex is a huge turn off for me.
Last night we had a marriage therapy session in which we had a big discussion about children. He wants, I do not. Something we have struggled with for awhile, but last night was the first time we really laid all the chips out on the table. I hurt him so badly, and it kills me. He has dreams of a big family, and I just do not. Neither of us are wrong, just incompatible on this. It may be the dealbreaker in the long run, despite any other troubles we have.
Anyways, I read. I dread telling him how I feel. I dread hurting him. I dread "pulling the rug out from under him". I dread knowing he has hope, and that maybe I have a little hope too.
But, despite that all.... despite a really crappy therapy session.... despite me hurting him last night.... despite spending the night in another room crying my eyes out... I am glad that I told the truth. I could not pretend that I wasn't thinking these things anymore. It was very hurtful for both of us, but I am happy that everything is spelled out now. We at least know where we stand and can move forward in some direction.
Forward is better than nothing!
I read, I hear. Good luck.
Being in that limbo stage is really hard. When I got to the point where I knew I wanted out but wasn't ready to say it out loud, we actually had a trip planned with my parents to Palm Springs and Disneyland for my 30th birthday. It had been in the works for a while and everything was already booked before I came to the realization that I did indeed want a divorce. XH wanted to get all these pictures together and I was trying to avoid it as much as possible, because I knew we wouldn't be together long.
It was torturous, but I got through it, and so will you. You will get to a point where you say "enough is enough" to yourself, and you get it over with.
Have you talked to your therapist about this specifically? The guilt that you're feeling, I mean. And I like a PP's idea of writing things out - that may help. Just make sure it's in a place where your H won't see it/can't find it.
I'm so sorry. I know exactly what you're going through and it's SO hard. I can't imagine having to deal with it for as long as you have because all those thoughts were killing me. It's so hard to keep all that inside...I'm so proud of you for sticking with your therapist and recognizing that you need time to be ready. Have you talked to her specifically about your feelings surrounding leaving? I like the suggestion of writing it down, too. It might help you organize your feelings about it and reflect on them.
I wasn't happy before I officially decided to leave STBXH, either, but we were working on things. Shortly before everything came to a head, we bought new windows for our house. I *really* didn't want to get them, and the main reason was because I couldn't say with confidence that we would be together for the course of the short-term loan we took out to pay them off. (As it turns out, we didn't even make it to the first payment due date). Then Christmas was SO hard...knowing that I'd already made that decision and he had no idea it was coming, and seeing his family (his mom gave us annual passes to a theme park! Ugh.) It was impossible.
Anyway, I know what you're going through. It's tough, but you will come out of it.
He knows that you know about the affair, right? Does he think you believe his denial, or that you guys are just sweeping it under the rug and moving on?
I'm sorry you're in such a crappy situation and understand why it hurts to hurt someone you love. But I think if you're being honest with yourself you know that he probably suspects something is off and this might be coming.
He does know that I know, and he didn't deny it happened. I think he thinks there is a fairly good chance that if he waits it out it will blow over because I won't be able to leave. I don't know that he will be 100% shocked when I leave, but I also think he probably doubts that I will have the balls to do so.
I was just curious. It must be really tense, especially if its this huge elephant in the room where you knows, he knows you know, and nobody si talking about it?!?
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you. My Blog
Just playing devil's advocate here. It is possible that he is waiting for you to say you want to leave. You admitted that you were not happy in the marriage before his affair. Since he had an affair it's a fair assumption that he was not happy either. He did not try to deny the affair. Maybe he is just waiting for you to say it outloud because he does not have the balls to say it himself?
I am in limbo too and have been for so long its ridiculous. It took me almost a year and a half to say that I wanted out. And me saying it outloud was almost 5 months ago. Yet here I am still married. I still talk about 6 mths from now what "we" will be doing and then every time I say something like that I think "if we are still together" and yes it is an awful thing to think and it makes me sick to my stomach. But in reality I am just kinda waiting for hm to realize there is nothing left to our marriage. We are together for the kids and I am not okay with that.
I hope things work out for the best for you. Oh and I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders once I said it outloud.