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Heartfelt thanks from a lurker
Hi there, TIP. I've never posted here before, but am in a place now where I can offer you deep, deep thanks for all the advice you give.
Less than a year after we got married, DH was having trouble with a terrible job. It got so bad that he went to see our family physician, who diagnosed him with depression, and wrote him a basically open prescription for Xanax, without sharing much of the risks or side-effects.
Since DH is also a recovering alcoholic (sober many years at that point), the drug almost immediately plunged him into a manic state. He started drinking again, taking incredible financial and personal risks, lying ... you name it. Overnight, he turned into a completely different person. It took months before I figured out what was going on (he, of course, couldn't see any problems) and got him in to see a psychiatrist. After that, it was a few more months before he was able to stop using the Xanax and start recovering.
Meanwhile, I was lurking on TIP, trying to figure out what was going on in my marriage, and what I could do about it. I felt like I should have seen this, maybe there was a sign I missed before we got married, and that I should leave him.
I kept reading, and saw how all your advice boiled down to taking care of, and knowing, yourself. I started counseling and went to Al-Anon meetings. I set boundaries with DH, knowing that I wasn't ready to leave, but letting him know that I was now my own first priority, and I WOULD get to a point where I'd leave without looking back. If I smelled alcohol on his breath, he slept in the guest room. He came to counseling with me. He gave me access to all his credit cards, bank accounts, etc. He invited me to his appointments.
We learned, together, that Xanax hits the same areas of the brain that alcohol does. In fact, when he was going through his strongest withdrawals (Xanax is also a benzo), he was told to have a beer. It should almost never be given to addicts.
He got sober again. We moved and found jobs that we're both far more fulfilled in.
It's been two years since this happened. I spent a year learning how to trust him again, taking marriage a day at a time. And I kept reading TIP.
Through you guys, I learned to ask for what I want. To look for red flags and general weaknesses in character. When I'd run into a problem, I'd think about what TIP would say: Was I ignoring advice? Was I letting too much slide? Was I taking care of myself? Was I getting what I want out of this relationship? Most importantly, was I deliberately blind to the facts? I tried to be as brutally honest with myself as you guys are with those who come and ask for advice.
I am so happy to say that these days, my marriage is stronger than ever. We were lucky that we were able to put our lives back together after what we went through. DH still sees a counselor and checks in with a psychiatrist, although he's been cleared, mental health-wise.
We would not have been able to do any of it if I hadn't taken care of myself first. And I wouldn't have begun to know how to do that if I hadn't been lurking for so long.
I may DD this later ... I'm not too big on putting my personal life out there.
I just wanted to say thanks. I'm sure there are other lurkers out there who feel the same way I do.
(To anticipate your questions: Yes, I was tested for STDs; No, I can't predict it won't happen again; Yes, I have taken steps to ensure my financial independence if necessary; Yes, he is supportive of that; No, I have not become his babysitter--I've learned how to let him make his own choices, and to either live with--or not--the person he shows me (not tells me) he is.)
Re: Heartfelt thanks from a lurker
I'm glad things worked out for you.
I hope they continue to do so.
I'm glad you've been able to work through things. It's nice. May we all remember that we are in control of our own lives.
P.S. How old are you? (kidding!!)
OMG, I'm trying to decide if you think I'm young or old ... and which one's worse!
I'm 32.
My eyebrows flew to the ceiling at the STD test. WTF, yo?
Anyway, it makes me want to punch someone whenever I see people get prescribed drugs for an easily fixable situational depression. Oh noooo, patient, don't get a new job - stay at the job that's depressing you and keep utilizing my services for antidepressants. Ugh.
You didn't have to answer that! I just noticed that you left that question off your list. lol.
Anyone younger than me is young, so there you go.
When someone goes as off-the-rails as DH did, you have NO IDEA what they're capable of. You get tested.
Over-prescription of psychiatric drugs by NON SPECIALISTS is kind of a personal crusade of ours now. We didn't know that primary care physicians have NO IDEA what they're doing when they prescribe those meds. It's actually pretty scary. We are a cautionary tale.
If anyone except a psychiatrist prescribes drugs for depression or anxiety, GO SEE A SPECIALIST. Don't rely on your (probably well-meaning) family doctor. They just don't know.
Oh, I'm not questioning your judgment on the test. It was good thinking on your part. It was more a "whoa!" at how bad things must have been for you to think that was necessary.
Dude. It was bewildering. People always use the phrase, "like he was a different person." That is the only way to describe it. He went from being honest to a fault, proud of his sobriety and passionate about our relationship to about as opposite as you could be. It was scary, lonely, sad, heartbreaking, maddening, frustrating ... you name it.
Looking back, I can't believe we made it through; but I'm so glad we did. Yes, it strengthened our relationship, but it also taught me SO MUCH about myself and what's important to me in any relationship.
I am glad things worked out for you.
Can I ask one question, how did you handle the stress of taking you marriage day by day?
I am at the end of my rope with my husband and am about to lose my mind because he is still in my house.
Well, every circumstance is different. I knew that I wasn't ready to leave, and first had to be OK with that.
Then I took time to figure out what I needed to do to take care of myself. For me, that meant setting it up so I didn't have to worry about what time he was going to come in, whether he was going to be sober or not, and whether I could rely on him.
So I made sure I knew what time he was supposed to be home. If he went past that, or came home after drinking, he slept in the guest room. That allowed me to start actually sleeping again.
I stopped asking him to do things for me. I went to counseling to talk about some of my issues, and took care of them. I went to Al-Anon to learn how to let him deal with his own issues, and not take care of him all the time.
And there were little things: I started cooking what I wanted for dinner; started going to the movies by myself and making a lot more plans with friends. Things like that.
One of the biggest things I did was decide to stop being the Secret Keeper. A lot of times, families that struggle with addiction have a LOT of secrets to save face. I told DH that that kind of life wasn't healthy for me, and that I was going to start confiding into people I could trust to help me through it. He wasn't thrilled, but to his credit, he understood.
Not gonna lie, it was still a pretty awful time. I spent a LOT of time walking my dog, trying not to cry and listening to sad music on my iPod.
But it was a LOT better once I figured out how to start making myself happy first.
Thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad things worked out, and maybe it can show some other people how much hard and sometimes painful work is involved in working on a marriage in trouble. It takes so, so much more than just one person simply hoping things will get better, or looking for simple, magic-bullet fixes.
Good luck to you!
This is good information about Xanax and recovering alcoholics - I didn't know this.
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!