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Family Advice - Long
Background: My husband and I got married in May of 2010. My older brothers girlfriend was jealous because she wanted to get married but my brother never asked her so she got "accidentally" got pregnant right after. Their son was born last April. They are not financially capable of raising a child. Ever since then my mom (single parent) has catered to their every beck and call (clothes, babysitting, anything the kid needs) and the baby is all I ever hear about constantly. I am not jealous at all, and am glad she can help them but it just gets to be to much sometimes. My husband and I had planned and are now having our own baby.
Situation: Other then this issue my mom and I used to be very close. A few weeks ago, I asked my mom to go to brunch with my babys godmother and I, she instantly replied - no I have to watch your brothers baby. I didn't give her a date or a time or anything. We ended up in a argument about her not even trying and she pretty much told me to bad. There has been other snippy things that she has said and done since I've been pregnant that have made me feel less important to them as well. I explained to her in a email how I felt, stating that I don't want to feel second best to anyone. I also told her how I don't feel important to her as all she ever talks about is my brother all of the time. Since then (which was a month ago) she hasn't called, emailed back or anything. We used to talk every few days or so. I don't feel like I should contact her because if I was really important to her - she would of replied some how.
Now at this point I feel stuck. With Valentines coming up (Yes, I do love her very much spite this situation) I wish we were talking. This is an exciting time and I always thought she would be such a big part of it. When I brought it up to DH, He replied why would you want to call her now? She hasn't even called to see how you are doing, she clearly doesn't care about you?! Which is sort of how I feel too but I don't want her to miss out on this experience with me even though shes making no effort. I also have my full ultrasound when I found out the babys sex in 2 weeks. I am very excited but again wish she was supporting me. I posted a status update on fb thinking maybe she will see it and realize that she is missing out but still no contact... What would you do?
Re: Family Advice - Long
I think this is a good opportunity for you to be the bigger person. Call your mother and say "I love you and miss you and want to spend time with you.". She may be so exhausted from caring for brother's baby, she may not have much to give emotionally. Maybe she is thinking you should have been more of an emotional support to her or should include nephew in activities with the two of you.
If she has repeatedly acted as if are an afterthought, believe her that you are (and I mean your whole life, not just since nephew.). It hurts, but believe people when they show you who they are. You can not expect a middle-aged person to suddenly change their thoughts and actions. People can change but not without enormous effort and most don't.
And for future reference, email is pretty much the worst way to bear your sole to someone. It is by nature cold and easily misinterpreted. Not to mention I have a strong feeling your email was pretty accusatory. If you need to collect your thoughts, write notes for yourself and have a phone or face-to-face conversation.
The thing is - you say you're not jealous and you're glad she can help them, but then you talk about how you're pissed that she doesn't try with you, you feel 2nd best, etc. It's "all about the baby".
And how she hasnt' called to see how you're doing. But... how often do you call her just to say "how are YOU doing?". While she's making a choice to cater to them, at the same time, she may be tired and overwhelmed, and I"m not hearing any concern about that - only about how she isn't "there" for you.
I'm not trying to flame you - just trying to look at it from another perspective.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Call her, let her know that you love her, next time if she says "I can't I have to babysit" then reply with "bring him along!" You're mom is in a tough spot too, with her son having a kid when he was clearly not ready, parents often give more attention to the kids that NEED it and so even though she might not mean too she might leave you feeling left out because she knows that you're doing great without her extra help. Let her know how you feel but try to work with her by including your nephew.
Never share your soul/complaints/feelings through an email!!! People can easily misread these, she might think you're telling her off instead of expressing your hurt. Always do this kind of thing in person so that you have the ability to have a conversation and actually clear things up and come to a solution. Call her, meet up and then let her know how you feel...without attacking her, allowing her to tell you what she's going through too. Listen and talk, and make sure you never forget that she's your mother and you love her.
She didn't ask for all of this extra stress in her life and she sounds like she's doing the best she can to help her kids, show her a little sympathy.
If you don't want to be estranged from your mother then get in touch, V-day can be an excellent time. But do it with the full knowledge that THIS is how your mother is and will likely not change.
I understand that this is a huge loss for you and a terrible disappointment. That is very sad and something you need to face. It does not mean you cannot have a relationship with your mother, it just means you cannot have the one you want.
I'm going to agree with a pp. I get that you want your mom in your life and you think she's putting you second best behind your brother and his unplanned child.
Your mom, however is basically raising another baby after she thought she was all done, correct? She's probably overwhelmed and stressed herself. Is there some way you can meet her in the middle on this?
Oh, and has someone had a talk with your brother about being a man and growing up? He has a baby to take care of so he doesn't get to be a kid and let his mom do all the work anymore. Unless he's working multiple jobs but needs someone to watch his baby while he does so. Where is the baby's mom in all this?
If you're grown up enough to get someone pregnant/get pregnant and not give the child up for adoption than raise your own child and don't pawn them off on others d@mnit! /End of tangent.
i get the feeling that your mom is probably just as displeased with your brother's situation as you are-and she's left to watch the baby a lot. it's also not the baby's fault-so i think putting her on the spot about brunch was the wrong thing to do. it sounds like she's watching the baby all the time! i dont think she means to put you 2nd but that's the result of her having to (probably) raise her grandchild.
if you want to spend time iwht her call her! apologize for the brunch incident (even if it wasn't your fault) and ask her how she's doing. fwiw she seems to have a TON more on her plate than you do right now. you're pregnant. great. she's raising a kid that she didn't have with a mes of a son and GF and then her daughter is givingher crap over brunch and making her feel bad writing emails about being 2nd best. She's ONE person. It sounds to me like she's a good mom and I think you need to be calling her and see how SHES feeling.
You can't change how someone else behaves, all you can change is how you react to them. (This is my new mantra, btw).
You want your mom involved with your pregnancy, keep inviting her to stuff. Send her updates personally, not through facebook hoping that she'll see it. I agree with pps that an email is not the way to express your hurt to your mom, but for updates it should be ok. She can keep saying no to coming with you to stuff and ignore your messages, but the ball will be in her court.
As far as your bro, his gf, their baby, and your mom goes: MYOB
Thanks ladies for your input!
I tried talking with her first but she got mad when I told her how i felt over the phone and hung up on me. Thats why I tried to email her. I thought it would give her an opportunity to reflect how I am feeling without giving a instant reaction. Instead I got no further reaction...
I am 29, will be 30 in september not that that matters. My brother is 35... and the only thing that my wedding has to do with anything is, Their announcement to my mom and I was "She had a big event in her life, and now its our turn - we won't be getting married but we are having a baby instead." My bro's g/f also called me the morning of my shower to advise me that it was a surprise planned for that day but that she wouldn't be attending and wore jeans to my wedding. She clearly was not excited for me. On the other hand, I am the one who planned their shower, and have done alot for them otherwise. I feel as though it has nothing to do with them, they are another story - this is in regards to my mom's actions.
She's probably a little mad/hurt by what you said. She probably doesn't know how to respond to the sibling rivalry. Like everyone else mentioned, your mom is probably overwhelmed with the baby as well. Let her cool down. In the meantime, you should be the bigger, caring person. Just shower her with love and tell her you want her in your life and your new baby's life.
Have YOU reflected on how she's feeling????
I get it that you're sad that she can't be there for you the way you had thought she would be, but.... this is life. You get thrown curveballs. Things don't always go as planned.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Right, have you called her and asked her how she is feeling and how she is doing ? Just because you are pregnant that doesn't mean that all conversations have to be focused on you ?
I feel a little sorry for your mom. She is in her 50s/60s and everyone is coming to her for help, support and comfort and she is probably being pulled in many different directions.
Could you offer to babysit the baby so that she could have a break ? Could you take her out to lunch and just focus your conversation on her ?
Ok, I get what all the other posters have said, but I'm going to play a little to the other side of things. My mother has often played favorites, she acts like a child and her solution to any sort of confrontation is to hang up on me. And everytime I have family members tell me to 'be the bigger person'. I'm sorry, but you're telling a teenager to be more adult than the adult in the situation (this was at the worst point, I'm 30 now and deal with her a little differently than my teenage-self did). If you want to maintain a close relationship with your mother, you're going to have to put yourself out there and take what comes. And she probably is overwhelmed and exhausted with dealing with her grandson all the time. She's probably really frustrated with your brother and is taking it out on you because she can safetly do so without running the risk of the grandson getting used as a punishment or pawn.
I see both sides. Its a crappy situation to be in, but you sound like you want your mom around, so pick up the phone and make that effort. If she's not receptive, at least you tried. And you'll have the chance to try again when you're ready.