Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
H needs "alone time"
I was just wondering if any of you ladies who have been through this or something similar could help me sort out my emotions.
A little background: H has been at Basic for nearly 3 months. The 22nd of this month will be 5 months that we have been married. We got married after 8 months of dating. I knew when we started dating that he intended to go into the military, and I promised myself I would not be the needy, whiny gf/fiancee/wife. I knew this would be difficult, and that I won't always understand why, and that I no longer come first.
His letters throughout Basic have been positive, he started out not sounding like himself at all, and very little emotion in his letters, which was expected. The longer he was there, the more the letters started to sound like him, with his sense of humor, him telling me that he missed me, etc. He graduates in three weeks, and I got a letter from him yesterday, all still very positive. The part that made me stop was at the end.
He said that he needs me to understand that after the graduation ceremony is over, he will need to be alone for a couple hours, and that he needs "me time", because he hasn't had a moment to himself in three months. He said after that he will be with me, and talk, have sex, etc. Now I'm not upset at him, I understand that he has been through something very difficult, and that he needs time to decompress. It's just not what I pictured. I pictured us getting back to the hotel room, ripping each others clothes off, and then maybe, sometime later, getting around to talking and catching up. Now the picture I'm getting is that he will want to be alone, and then he will find me, we will talk, get reacquainted, and then...
It's just not as passionate as I imagined, I guess, and I know this is all in my head and something I have to straighten out. I just wanted to know, I suppose, what some of your experiences were with your husbands coming home from Basic, TDY, deployment, whatever, and how you felt and handled it. I am incredibly nervous, as everyone is telling me how different he will be, and I want to do the right thing, I want to be a good, supportive wife, and so I am trying to sort my emotions out so that I can be that for him on that day, and not focused on my own feelings.
Re: H needs "alone time"
You know, it honestly annoys the crap out of me when people say Basic will turn someone into a completely different person. Especially when those people have never been through it. Basic may have made him a little neater, a little more organized. It may have made him a little more anal about certain thing. It may have made him more resonsible for his actions and his belongings. If anything, it's probably made him into more of a man.
As for his wanting alone time, he's been living with how many every many people living up his butt for months. There is no alone time. You shower, crap, shave and sleep with those same people day in and day out. All I wanted to do was eat normal food, snuggle with my kids and watch tv. You live in a black hole in Basic. You only hear music they want you to hear. You only get news they want you to get. That phone call home or little glimpse of tv in the chow hall are all you know of the outside world. Who knows what he is going to actually want when the time comes. If he wants a bit of alone time, let him have it. Tell him you'll take him to the hotel. He can shower, change and spend some time with him self. You go do what ever for an hour or two.
I know you have had this romantic fantasy in your head of how things would be when you see him. He's also had a fantasy of how his first hours of freedom would be. You've been free to do what ever you want for months. Let him have his for a bit.
Put yourself in his shoes. If you were in his situation right now you wouldn't want to graduate and have everyone in your business immediately either.
If I were him, the first thing I'd want would be a long, hot bath and a glass of wine. Alone. (I mean, a guy probably wouldn't go that route, but I would if I were just getting home from basic.)
Stole the words right out of my mouth. This isn't An Officer and a Gentleman.
I know it was just a romantic fantasy, I just didn't realize how much I had counted on it until I read that. And that's my issue, and you guys are right, it's not a big deal to drop him at the hotel, go spend some time with my parents for a couple hours, and come back after he has had a chance to be by himself.
Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, after the ceremony he just has to pick his stuff up at the squad bay, and then everyone is going out to dinner later to celebrate. So it wouldn't be a big deal for me to take him to our hotel, let him shower and decompress before dinner, and my mom wouldn't care if I chilled in the hotel room she and my stepdad are staying in with them. That would give him some completely alone time while we all get ready to go out.
I've been so crazy busy with work and school the last two months that I haven't had time to think about that day or the days that will follow before he goes off to MCT, and with it getting close, people are bombarding me with questions (how long does he stay? where is he going next? what are your plans for the separation/living arrangements? will he get deployed immediately?) And my personal favorite: "is he staying in for the whole 20 years?" He probably doesn't even know that yet, let alone me! So I think, all of that, on top of the bad day at work I had yesterday, just sort of hit me all at once, and the letter was just the little straw. But you are all right, and the advice really helped.
I'm assuming that he is USMC since he has been at Basic for so long? If that is the case you will see him and get around 4 hours of time with him on base for family day (the day before graduation). Is he saying that he doesn't want you guys there for that? Also, when he is done with graduation is he wanting to go back to the hotel by himself? I'm just confused on how him getting alone time would even be possible?
It took all the strength in the world to hold me back from my husband on family day. During the moto run, when he was 20 yards in front of me and I couldn't go to him was torture. I had a nice discussion with his mother that if she tried to even hug him first I would probably end up tackling her. As soon as they were released for liberty I dead sprinted out to him. After graduation my husband wanted nothing more than to get off base as quickly as possible. We got back to the hotel, barely made it to the bed (if you know what I mean haha), and then in true Marine Corps fashion he passed out cold 5 seconds after putting his head on the pillow to take a nap. I would try not to worry too much. I really think that once he sees you he isn't going to want alone time to himself. If he does, go hang out at the hotel pool for a little bit and don't let it ruin your 10 days together.
The only difference I saw in my husband after boot camp was that he was a more responsible man who has pride in himself and his accomplishments.
Something you might consider is stocking the hotel room with nice bath products for men, and a new razor. Maybe bring a nice new, fluffy towel (be sure to wash it at home a couple times though). Have some of his favorite snacks and beverages ready for him. And then give him the couple of hours to decompress. By giving him those few hours, he will be in a much better head space to enjoy dinner out, time with family--and, time with you.
I'm sure when he first left you, he also couldn't wait to be like peanut butter and jelly with you the instant he was released from formation, so this realization that he's had is probably surprising him a little bit too.
Lol, "peanut butter and jelly", that made me laugh. A lot.
I was a little confused by what he meant, but I'm assuming that he means after graduation, as our hotel is off base and he mentioned a shower in that request! So I'm guessing that he wasn't talking about Family Day. And yeah, he is USMC.
I had already planned on having a basket in the hotel room with a bunch of his favorite snacks and stuff, and a card that I got for Valentine's Day since he missed that (it's not a big deal for us, but I got a card anyway). And I've made a note to myself to bring his good shaving kit, the nice shaving cream I bought him a while back, that sort of stuff.
I think that the more I think about it, the more comfortable I am with this. It just came as a surprise. And yeah, it is really good that he thought of telling me now, and not on graduation day, when emotions will be high and all of that. I think I just need to remember that we are not teenagers, this is not a movie; we are a married couple and this is our life together. And being a military wife means being adaptable, right? So this is as good a place to start as any.
67/200
Not trying to get her hopes up which is why I included the bolded statement above. She asked for other's experiences so I gave her mine.
Poor guy is trying to keep the newlywed love alive by manscaping and you had a mini-meltdown. Some day you will chuckle over this.
Mary, this made me belly laugh...
We love those "someday this will be funny" moments. When we were first dating, my apartment at the time had the world's smallest water heater. Seriously, ten minutes to take a shower, and no more than an inch of hot water in the tub. We wanted so bad to take a romantic, candlelit bath together. So we took every pot and pan I owned, boiled water in them, and did that twice until the tub was full enough to relax in. I looked at him and said: "One day, when we have a really nice apartment and a huge water heater...we will laugh about this."
Chicka I was taking a huge swig of mango juice when I read that. You almost just owed me a keyboard.
My reunion with DH after OCS consisted of not being able to pick him out of a crowd of other candidates (because he'd lost so much weight) until he walked up to me, hopping in the rental van with his family and being given permission to drive away from this place! He was really just so happy to be allowed to leave base he didn't care about any particular type of alone, couples or other special time.
You know those scissors that you use to trim off threads on your uniform? My STBXH(<--- First time I've used that!) used those suckers in the toilet to trim that shitt_up! LOL.
OP- On the day of town pass, we went to the hotel for him to shower. I let him shower alone and let him be. After about 30 minutes he came out and we had our own time.