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ok help me sort this out
I am helping a friend plan her wedding and I was going over some of the details with my husband and he was saying that guys really don't care about weddings. I was joking around and asked why guys want to get married, he says "it makes it official, you know, secures their place". I went further and and said, "so basically what you are saying is that guys get married to secure sex and all of the romantic things they do are a lie?" He says, "yes, guys only do it because they are expected to bring flowers, get down on one knee, buy a diamond, and all of that other stuff. Guys just don't care about it."
So should I take this to mean that he married me to secure sex and being sweet, saying that he loves me, etc, etc is all crap? We've been together for a little over 6 years and this is the first time he has talked like that. We've been stuck in a bit of a rut relationship wise and now I'm wondering if he regrets getting married in the first place.
Re: ok help me sort this out
Yikes. This is not why my FI proposed and he is an active part in helping me plan our wedding. What were your reasons for marrying him?
Is he supportive? Do you look back and see any red flags? Was any of the above said in a joking manner?
Huh. My first thought at "secures their place" was not sex on demand, but rather the whole marriage thing: sex, plus someone who always has your back, someone to wake you up when you have a nightmare, you know, all of that. Why was sex on demand your automatic conclusion?
I wonder if he really did mean that he cared more about the marriage and didn't give a damn about the party beforehand.
I think you should talk to him about it. Tell him how that made you feel and your concerns.
I would suspect that you are overthinking it. Flowers and all that jazz are cliche. Think about it. Is there anything that he does that shows you that he cares? Maybe he holds your hand when you walk down the sidewalk or he lets you sit in the window seat because it's your favorite even though it's his favorite too. Sometimes it's the little things that really matter.
eta- And I agree with Kuus.
I know flowers and all are cliche, and they have not really been a part of our relationship from the get go (neither was going down on one knee part of his proposal). That doesn't bother me. And I know a lot of guys aren't the flower and poems type but do it to make their wife happy (my brother in law is a good example of this), but they DO care.
I don't know. I guess his comments just brought a bunch of concerns to the surface, the fact that he doesn't say "I love you" anymore...unless I say it first. He doesn't hold my hand any more and it seems like I can't do anything right anymore.
The reason sex on demand was my conclusion is because part of the conversation included the comment from him of "for guys, getting married just means getting laid regularly". Combined with the other things he said, it just kinda gave me that impression.
BWAHAHAHA! Your H should talk to my H!
Anyway, have you guys talked about your relationship? In other words, are either/both of you actively working on it (ie - if he doesn't hold your hand, do you attempt to hold his? do special little things for each other? etc) or have you both kind of found your comfortable place where neither of you thinks you have to work at it (ie - trying to impress the other) anymore?
I can guarantee you that while DH and I don't have the maritals on the regular, I don't feel that just because we don't have sex X times per week that I am not loved and DH doesn't feel that way either.
It may be a bit of a warning flag, but it certainly does NOT spell doom and gloom for your relationship! The 6/7 year mark is classic "in a rut" territory.
I think if there are more red flags, then it's definitely time to reassess the relationship and figure out what needs tweaking. Not saying "I love you" first or not wanting to hold hands can mean a lot of things. He could be distracted with work or other stresses, or it could mean something more.
What does your gut tell you?
Ermmm no.
I married my husband to be a team to work through life together. Sex, and being treated awesomely is just icing on the cake.
Our sex frequency has gone down since the baby, but I don't judge my marriage on the sex (which can wax and wane) but the genuine feeling that I have someone who is with me for the long haul & understands me.
Talk to your husband and definitely see a therapist with him. I am very interested in your H's upbringing and views on relationships if he feels that way about marriage in general. Yikes.