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If you were the one that asked for the divorce...
If you were the one that asked for the divorce, how did you feel?
My husband and I are in marriage therapy right now, but I'm doubting our future together. There are a host of reasons why, which I'm not going to ramble about right now. Suffice it to say, if we can't change things (both of us need to make changes), I'm not sure I can live this way anymore.
But, I still love him deeply. It has perhaps moved to a friendship love.... or a care and concern for a kind human being.... but not an intimate, marital type love.
That being said, when I seriously consider divorce... even start to think about the process or the finality of it... I get so sad. I've cried for hours thinking that I may someday soon bring up the topic to him. Yet I'm unhappy currently and feel like it can't stay the status quo forever.
If you asked for the divorce... did you still feel feelings of love toward your XH at the time? Did you feel a sense of sadness or loss? Guilt?
I'm trying to work though this. When I feel these feelings, I backpedal like crazy. Maybe it's not the right move. But yet, I'm not happy either. We've disconnected so much over the years.
I don't want to hurt him... or pull the rug out from under him... or leave him when i feel like I'm responsible for him.... but something's gotta give.
Please help!
P.S. - Sorry if I've been posting a few times on similar topics. Just trying to approach this from as many angles as I can. So scared. A million things are racing through my mind ALL THE TIME!!
Re: If you were the one that asked for the divorce...
Yes, I still love him. And yes, it's very sad, and I do feel guilty, because as you said, I do feel responsible for him. It's been very, very hard.
On the other hand, putting some distance between us has made me realize that this really is what I want. Are you in individual counseling? It has really, really helped me. My counselor is greating at helping me see things from a different perspective.
Maybe you guys could try a separation and see how that goes?
H and I have been separated for almost 2 months but even before I actually left our martial home, we were distant for several months, sleeping in different rooms, or me staying with my family so I didn't have to come home to face his wrath of abuse.
I approached the divorce subject to him the other day and as hard as it was, I know deep down that it is the right thing to do. Even if we both try really hard to change our behaviors towards each other, move forward and then potentially get back together where I move back in, it will be temporary before we revert back to why we are in this situation in the first place. I can't take putting bandaids on and then ripping them off again. I think in our situation, our separation is permenant. I know for a fact that being alone has helped me realize how unhappy I actually was, that I feel so much hatred towards him for how I was treated when I needed him the most. I waiver back and forth if I am making the right decision but when I feel that way and I want to get back with him, I take out my journal and read the things that he has put me though over the 9 years of our relationship and I start to feel better about my decision to end our marriage. It was very toxic.
It's tough knowing that even though I still care for him and I'm the one that's making the decision to end our marriage where he still has so much hope that we'll be ok again. As my therapist said to me last Saturday, that he's the one that's going to have to deal with this, I can't take the burden of two people and I should really just think of myself, get well and move on.
I don't know your whole story, but I just want to say that I'm struggling with asking for a divorce as well.
My H and I have been separated for three months now. In my heart, I know it's over. I know we're not going to be able to make it work, and I know I need to be the one to pull the trigger since he's in total denial about the whole thing.
That said, the guilt and pain of actually doing it is too much. I don't have any advice for you, because I haven't figured it out yet, myself. All I can say is that my therapist has helped immensely in this process, and I can relate to you. Stay strong.
Well I was the one who asked for the divorce and filed but it was because of XH's actions (cheating/drug use) so I think my feelings were a little different.
The best advice I ever heard about deciding to get a divorce was that you will feel ambivalent. You won't be mad, you won't be upset, you won't feel confused, you will just be resigned. There's nothing that says you HAVE to make a decision this very second. Take your time and think it through. It's ok to be in limbo until you feel comfortable with what you want to do.
I can relate a lot to what you're feeling - it's very very similar to how I was feeling during the months prior to me telling my XH I wanted a divorce. I still loved and cared about him, but I was miserable and also didn't want to hurt him.
It took me a while to come to grips with the thought of a divorce. I read up a bunch, went back and forth, and talked things out with my best friend (probably would have been smarter to talk to a counselor about things in the beginning, but I wasn't ready for that at the time). I was over the relationship for a while before I was really ready to pull the plug.
What finally did it for me was something the marriage counselor we started seeing said. She wanted to see us each separately, and during my invidividual session she told me that he would be fine if I needed to end it. I had to hear that to move on with my life - it made me realize that he would be fine, I wouldn't break him. I was holding myself back for him and that wasn't doing anyone any good.
Someone posted the following article on TIP and I think it does a fairly good job of summing up my situation, and the situation you're dealing with too. I'm just hoping I linked it correctly.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/christine-arylo/when-love-isnt-enough-3-r_1_b_1253757.html?icid=maing-grid7%7Cmain5%7Cdl12%7Csec1_lnk3%26pLid%3D133596
Thank you for the link. Very helpful.
It's hard because I care about him and love him, but other things are lacking. I feel very disconnected from him. We manage to run a household just great on a logistic level, but the closeness and intimacy (emotional and bedroom wise) are just gone.
Yet, he has never done anything to outright hurt me. I almost wish he would do something devastating to me. Not to make light of anyone's situation, but it would almost seem easier if he had hit me or had abused drugs or something. A clear "out". But, he has not, nor will he ever. He really is a great person, we just don't have a good connection anymore.
We are in therapy together, and I am seeing someone on an individual basis. We are both trying, but I'm just not sure it's happening.
I would feel a lot better, too, if I knew he would be okay with out me. Or if I knew he would be okay with divorce. Since we don't talk about "deep" stuff too often, it's hard to know. I would feel more at peace with moving on if he were in agreement. Again, we don't talk much on that level, so its difficult to be sure.
i was nervous to tell him, i knew he'd take it badly and he did. but i was happy once i told him. i was happy and have been happy ever since.
i felt guilt at first because i was basically making him start over, i was the one in the relationship who came into it with everything and was keeping everything, but once i realized how much he used me, i got over that quickly. for the first 3 years i took care of all the bills, he never paid for anything but his toys, his parents paid off his motorcycle, his truck, etc so we could buy a house and he could contribute because he HAD to have a house, the apartment wasn't good enough for him, this coming from the guy who lived at his parents house until he was 33.
i felt no feelings of love for him for the past few years and tried desperately to spend and extra year in Iraq so i didn't have to come home to him.
for a while i felt a bit of loss about the memories of the good times, but that's faded too, now just annoyance and what a lazy worthless and helpless jerk he was. note i was divorced in June, i started the process memorial weekend.
I still love him but I am not IN LOVE with him the way I should be. We lost the connection a long time ago and I was just trying to hold onto something that isn't there. I feel guilty that he is hurting so much though confused as to how he didn't see the signs all this time.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you. My Blog
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you. My Blog
This is *exactly* how I feel and I've separated from stbxh now for 1.5 months.