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Advice needed (long)
Today, a dear friend of mine confided in me that her marriage is in ruins. She has been sleeping on the couch for a few weeks, now, and the other night, her husband took off, leaving their two daughters (4 years and 15 months old) alone in the apartment (which is adjacent to my friend's father's restaurant). My friend's brother had to go looking for her husband and finally found him and brought him home.
I have known things have not been perfect lately-- they have a LOT of stressors in their lives right now which clearly have been taking their toll-- but I never suspected he would opt for returning to his home country alone over his wife and children.
My friend has never made it a secret that she is not a woman content to stay at home to cook, clean, and care for the kids. She wants her career and a husband who is a partner in all things.
I don't think her husband will ever change. He has accused her of not being a good mother, a good wife, a good worker-- despite the fact that he can't work right now (no green card yet) and she comes home from a 16 hour work day (6 days a week!) and has to cook them dinner, clean the house, and give the girls their baths while he has been home with them for hours. And what she cooks is never good enough, fast enough, etc. (I've witnessed him say these things.) According to my friend, he has told her he doesn't find her attractive anymore because she acts like a man and is therefore no longer feminine.
Today, the husband made a comment that he was "investigating further a new life." I have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that this man is going to leave his family (maybe in the long run, a good idea?) instead of staying around to work things out. His daughters-- especially the 4 year old-- will be absolutely devastated if he leaves. And will no doubt blame her mother because of things her father has said to her.
How do I help my friend?!? I have no advice to give, no sense that if she works hard on her marriage that it will change the outcome, no frame of reference to help her support her girls if he ends up leaving or even if he stays but doesn't fall back in love with his wife.
My friend has already dropped 2 clothes sizes-- and she didn't have a lot to lose in the first place-- and has a compromised immune system from a medical condition. My heart is breaking for her and I don't know how to help her. All I could do today was listen, hug her, and tell her that her husband is flat out wrong to think she is not a good wife (did I mention it was his idea to come to the USA after she spent 3 years alone in a house with only a baby in the middle of nowhere with no car in his country?), good mother, good worker. And that I asked her to look at herself in the mirror at least once today and tell her that she is an amazing, beautiful, talented and strong woman.
What else can I do??
Me:37 MH:38
TTC since Oct 2011
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S/PAIFW
Re: Advice needed (long)
It sounds like you are doing exactly what she needs you to do right now by being there for her and being a good friend.
If her husband treats her this way now, is he likely to change? Perhaps it would be best for them to separate? It would be awful if he just up and left the country and his children, but I wonder what kind of dad he must be anyway (I hope that's not too judgmental of me).
I am so sorry that she is going through this -- it must suck. But, just keep being a good friend and you'll help her land on her feet.
I don't know what to say really, because my BFF is going through a similar divorce and half the time I have no idea what to say to her. I just listen when she needs an ear, support her in what she decides, send her fun things to take her mind off of things (She lives in Virginia, so it's not like I can pop by with a casserole.), the things a friend does when someone's in trouble, regardless of the source of the trouble.
One thing I've come to realize with my friend's whole thing (and Jackie actually has a really great blog post about it today) is that sometimes it's not meant to work out. Sometimes the difficulty of trying to make things work outweighs the difficulty of becoming a single mom, or having to move, or whatever, and you just have to admit it's time to let it go. Not that I'm saying that's what she should definitely do since I obviously don't know any more than what you gave us. Just, staying together for the kids, or because you love the idea of the person even though the person is a complete ***, isn't a good reason to spend your life unhappy. If there were some chance that the husband could change, then maybe give it a try. But it doesn't sound like the husband is willing to change, and it sounds like this has been going on so long that even if he were, the likelihood of him actually changing is slim.
Easier said that done, though, for sure.
Gosh, I wish I had some real advice, but I think just trying to check up on her and make sure she's doing as well as she can be in this situation is best for now. Until a real decision is made between them, you can just let her know you are there for her - she probably feels incredibly alone.
I don't know if it would be presumptuous to suggest she speak with a counselor of some kind? Or perhaps consult a lawyer to see if there's anything she can do to protect herself and her children, since he seems to be a bit unpredictable (if he just flees the country, will he empty their bank account, etc)?
I'm sorry your friend, what an unfortunate situation. I wonder if by being a friend, encouraging her, give her strength, keep her confidence up, and just be there if she needs a glass of wine, ear, or even to hang out with the kids.
:-(