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So my mom has been staying with us....
When my mother wanted to end her terrible relationship, FI and I immediately offered for her to stay with us as long as she needed. We get along really well (including her and FI), so it was a no-brainer, just as it would be for any of his family.
One year later...
My head may explode at any moment. She seems to have forgotten that she is the guest rather than homeowner. One example would be cleaning. FI and I always clean up after ourselves, particularly when it comes to the kitchen. We have pets and it's really important to us to keep human food away from them, as we obviously don't want them to get sick (or decide they like our food better). At first, my mom stayed on top of her mess, but now every day when I come home the sink is full of dirty dishes and there is leftover food everywhere, the pets are on the counter or have pulled food onto the floor (it's not her job to police my pets, but this only happens when she leaves out food and dishes). I always end up cleaning her mess because if I mention it, she gets pissed. I have had to rush one of my pets to the vet because she left out something poisonous and he got into it (he is fine now).
Not only do I get to come home to a filthy kitchen, but the living room is a wreck, too. She loves to do crafts, which is wonderful, but she won't clean up after herself. If anything gets moved, she freaks out. I'm sorry, but I have a full-time job, I'm a full-time student, and I'm planning a wedding that is almost entirely DIY (yes, I do clean up my crafting supplies when I'm finished 
), and when I have a spare minute I want to sit down on my sofa (which is now covered in glitter, paint, and glue, thanks mom) and relax with my man without having to move 15 crafts first.
Speaking of relaxing, I can't anymore. My mother has terrible taste in men, and I don't mean 'he's 60 and bleaches his beard' kind of terrible, I mean criminal record for assault, theft, and drugs terrible. She has a new boyfriend and I seriously don't want him in my house. I looked up his record, he has serious strikes against him, and they're recent. I'm concerned for her above anyone else, but I can't make her listen, so FI and I have to protect ourselves. Even if he didn't have a bad record, he's still effing weird. The other day FI and I woke up at 5 am to this guy walking THROUGH OUR BEDROOM to take a shower in OUR bathroom. When I brought this to her attention, I did not expect her to flip out on ME, but after she did, I asked her to please not have him come over again.
But what happened tonight was what finally pushed me over the edge enough to post this on the interwebs. A few of our friends are going to be coming over tonight, and it'll be the first time we've all been able to get together as a group in a good while, since we don't all live as close to each other anymore. We've had these plans for a few weeks, and every time my mom and I discussed it, she said she would make plans to be elsewhere. I did not, by any means, ask her to make other plans, but she realized that since they've all known her since we were kids, they probably won't really cut loose with her there. As of yesterday, she and Creepy McCreepCreep were planning to go out and then stay at his place. You can imagine my surprise when I walk into my house to see his creepy face. I asked my mom if she still had plans to go out, and he turns to me, calls me and ungrateful brat, and starts yelling, "You've got a lot of nerve talking to your mother like that, after she has let you and your boyfriend stay with her for a whole f***ing year!"
What?????????
I don't even know what to do at this point, but getting that off my chest was a little help!
Re: So my mom has been staying with us....
Here is another no brainer...
its time to tell mom to pack her bags and leave NOW!
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
WTH tonight is what you pushed you over the edge enough to post this on the interwebs? Why is posting this what needs to be done to solve the problem? You need to tell your Mom she has overstayed her welcome and she has a week to find another place and move. You made a mistake taking her in for an indefinite amount of time and she has taken advantage of you and the situation. Time to let Mom grow up and move out.
Your whole post at her choices makes me wonder why on earth you and your Fi put up with this for so long. The minute the BF walked in to the bedroom she should have been told it was time to get her own place. You need to make better decisions and you are not learning that having dear old mom around.
1. Why the hell has she been there for a year
And
B. Why havent you kicked her a$$ to the curb yet?
Lesson learned - don't let someone move in for "as long as they need". She's comfortable and clearly has no intention of leaving. You're going to have to give her a push.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thanks for the advice, everyone! It's definitely time for her to find her own place, and we're having a talk about that with her tonight. We let her stay this long because she wasn't able to find a job, but that changed a few weeks ago. She's been saving just about every penny, since we don't ask her to pitch in for anything, so I think a month from today would be a suitable deadline. I'll update on how that goes!
Never said posting solved the problem, it just allowed me to write out my frustrations and calm down before talking to her. I actually expected a bunch of comments saying I was being a bad daughter for being annoyed with her crap.
I agree that it's time for her to go.
Also, you need to realize that you get to set the rules in your own home. You don't want your mom to bring over boyfriends? Well, then tell her she can't have them over. It's YOUR home, and it's one thing to take on your mom in a time of need, but if you are living in the home of your daughter (or parents, or siblings), you don't get to bring guests over to stay as well!
I think "mom, you need go go...." is a start, but you can make the rest of the month as pleasant as you need by telling her "and your boyfriend cannot come over here. I don't like his criminal record, and until you have your own place, the sleepovers need to be at his house."
also when you move her stuff who cares if she freaks?! at that point you need to remind her that she's a guest in YOUR house and it's YOUR rules she has to follow. if she doesn't there's the door.
kinda seems like you're letting her walk all over you by freaking out when you move stuff. why do you let her have power over you like that?
I'm glad that you are asking her to move out, because it is well past time. I wonder what she will tell her boyfriend?
If you truly are going to let her stay for a month longer, now that she has a job, she should be chipping in. Have you been paying for groceries, toiletries, etc. for her for this whole time? Did she have any money at all coming in? I would also point out that you will continually need to reinforce that when March 10th (or whatever 30 days would be) rolls around, that she will have to be out or her stuff will be put on the curb. She might think that since you have let her walk all over you for a year that you wil change your mind. It wouldn't hurt to write a note stating that she has to be out by X Date or you will put her stuff on the curb and stick it to her bedroom door. I hope you stay firm on this.
I think two weeks' notice is perfectly fine. She's an adult, we're going to assume she has some savings, and moving into an apartment doesn't take that long. And of course Mr Skeevy can't come by anymore (I personally don't think he needs to know that it's your house, not hers, but YMMV. I'd avoid talking to him at all if it were me).
Also, once she's gone, that DAY, change all the locks.
This! A month is too long and it wouldn't surprise me if you wind up having to evict her. The suggestion to stop the BF from coming over is great. Your Fi must be a Saint.
You may want to check the laws where you live. If she's been there over a year you may be required to give her at least 30 days' notice, even if she's never paid a dime in rent.
Goodness!!! The second she allowed pet to be deathly ill would be the second she was out on the street. Guess I'm a betch.
I agree with 2-weeks notice. That is beyond enough.
I agree with this. If she weren't out after carelessly harming my pet, she would have been put on notice. It is way beyond time to get this woman out of your home!
This. And I still don't understand why you let her move in with you in the first place. She is clearly not learning from her past mistakes and going to continue making the same decisions. Stop being codependent. Kick her out and don't ever offer to "help" her in this way again. Trying to facilitate her leaving one crappy boyfriend did nothing for her.
You have given your mom a lot of power in YOUR home.
If you make her abide by your rules, she "throws a fit." Apparently, that's enough to make you (and FI) back off. HAVING rules means nothing if you don't ENFORCE those rules. Start TODAY by taking back your home. I would tell her that the party is over at your home. She has to move out by XX date,
In addition, put all of her crafting supplies in a box if she doesn't clean up, and if she throws a fit, tell her "if you don't like it - there's the door. You choose - clean up or move out now." Ditto her messy kitchen. She's home all day - she can clean up after herself at the very least. And the boyfriend isn't allowed over. It's your home, you don't want criminals hanging out eyeing your belongings.
Maybe if you had been more of a hard-a$$ with your (very reasonable!) rules, she would be out by now. Ditto the pp - - you helping her out has done nothing to prevent her from being in bad relationships. She's now dating a con. Don't bother coming to her rescue next time - she clearly does not value the help you are providing.
Change the locks the day she moves out, b/c chances are her boyfriend already has keys. Do you want to be alone when he comes to rob your house?
Fuckthatnoise. Too soft. Don't give her excuses. Tell her she needs to be out by March 1st, and the man-child who needs to get his facts straight isn't allowed in YOUR house anymore. Her new beau can help her move.
No you're a bad fiancee for making your fiance put up with this shiit. You need therapy to figure out why you're so cool with being a doormat for your mother.