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learning to live together...
My husband and I are recently married and It has been a very tough road for us living together for many reasons. My husband has always enjoyed going out and hanging with his friends and staying out late. I have no problem with him going out and hanging with friends but coming home late i do have a problem with. He goes out with his friends and comes home after 230/3am and recently came home after 430am. He is out once or twice a week and states he has cut back a lot!
I have explained to him time and time again how i don't appreciate it and find it to be disrespectful. I tell him that i dont mind him going out but come home before 2am.... and he still has a problem with that?!! I just feel like i cant deal with it all anymore. Any suggestions for a tired newly wed?
Re: learning to live together...
"If you wanna win then you shoulda put a hat on it. Don't be mad when you see a knit cap won it. If you wanna win then you shoulda put a hat on it."- Fenton
You can't give a grown man a curfew. It'll just piss him off.
That being said, I would go BSC if my husband was out at a bar a couple of nights a week. But saying that you "don't appreciate it" and "find it to be disrespectful" would be enough to put my husband on the defensive immediately. Once that happens, he'll dig in his heels and cling to his stubbornness like a life raft.
Have you tried approaching the subject (at a random, calm time, not before or after he wants to go out) and explaining it from a more neutral perspective? For example, instead of saying "I find X behavior unacceptable", you could say, "I know you probably don't mean for this to happen, but when you do X it hurts my feelings because Y." With my DH at least, it took me about 5 years to figure out that he's completely reasonable about anything I request, provided I approach it in the right way. It's made the last 6 years a lot easier
I'm assuming he doesn't work a 9-5 job? Or is this weekends?
I bet her FUPA's name is Shane, like the gunslinger/drifter of literature.--HappyTummy
I am trying not to give him a curfew but geez! What do you mean you will go BSC? and your DH? ( obviously new to all this...)
I have tried talking to him on separate occaisons. When he goes out, before, during dinner and other opportunities where we need to talk. I would say at any of the moments his guard is up and stubborness is out like a beast. I really want him to go out have a good time but not forget he has someone waiting for him at home....
I tell him all this... nothing works.
word.
has he possibly been trying some of that there cuh-caine?
he don't want none of that shiiit!
Why are you expecting him to change simply because you got married? Shouldn't he have wanted to spend time with you when you were dating? Engaged?
Right, but was he not doing the "going out until 3am thing" when you were dating/engaged? If he was, why does it matter now that you're married? Simply because you now live together?
I'm with you. I think that's total BS. But I also wouldn't have been dating someone that was still going out to bars with his boys till all hours, I wouldn't have gotten engaged to him, and I wouldn't be married to him. No, I didn't expect a person to change his personality but I sure as shiit would expect once we were serious that he wouldn't want to be out in bars till the wee hours of the morning. Didn't this come up BEFORE you got married? Or did you just pretend it didn't bother you until you were actually married and it was kind of too late?
Maybe I'm living in an alternate universe because at 35-36 when we met he didn't have any "boys", wasn't doing that in the first place, etc.
At any rate, I'd be pissed if I was you, but you've excepted this for so long I don't know how it's going to change.
Did you live together before you got married? Did he stay out this late when you were just dating/engaged? How old are you both?
I guess I am also confused why this would only start bothering you now that you are married. Would I be ok with H staying out like this? No way, but I also wouldn't have dated him for long or married him if I knew that he was like that. People don't magically change just because they get married.
It seems like he is not in a place to let go of his party lifestyle. You can't make him do that. And there is no guarantee that he will grow out of it later.
He in his mid 30s and i'm in my late 20s. We have lived together before the marriage and have had numerous discussions about it. It has always been an issue where he would stop and start again only now this start up is worst where i am just tired of it. He claims to use to have gone out almost every night until he met me now the once a week is rare for him. I dont ask that he stop going out i just ask that we come home at a decent hour. When i go out i dont do that to him, i respect him enough to come home at a decent hour. I dont expect magic, i expect respect. You go out, have fun, hang with friends then bring your A$$ home at a decent hour!
Start coming home at 4a and see how he likes it then.
Why doesn't he ever invite you to go out with him? Weekends are supposed to be a time where you can spend quality time together, yet he leaves every weekend night to go out with his friends? He sounds like an immature frat boy. If he can't DREAM of possibly letting go of some of the time he spends with his buddies at the bar....then that is immature. We all need to have separate lives outside of our SO's but it sounds like yours spends waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much time without you.
If he won't compromise, and won't stick to it......looks like your going to have to either make a decision. You can live with the way he is, or you can't.