Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Step-Mother's expectations (really long, crybaby vent)
My Dad passed away from cancer in October, about 40 days after he was diagnosed stage 4, so he went really quickly. The morning of the day he died, we put my 14 year old dog to sleep with really similar cancer - my Dad died late that night. I've been in a fog and feeling dull since then, it's a lot to deal with, I was very close to my Dad and am not so close to my mom at all. I talked to her every few months, and my Dad I talked to daily.
I wasn't close to my Step-Mother at all. They were married about 10 years ago, a few months before my husband and I married. I was obviously an adult when she came on the scene and she never filled a mother role in my life at all, nor a friendship role. We only lived in the same house for about 1-2 years, maybe less.
I am a huge loner, I am not chit-chatty at all. I could go months without talking to anyone and probably not even notice. I have always been this way, it didn't appear with my Dad's death, I have seriously been extremely introverted since I was child. She is a busy-body who repeats everything she is told, not maliciously, she just isn't very intelligent.
She made my Dad happy and she is a nice person, I just wasn't really interested in being her friend, I think she's benignly annoying. Having a conversation with her is like talking to a talking golden retriever.I remember in the beginning of their relationship she complained to my Dad that I didn't talk to her and I must hate her. I wasn't ever rude that I can really remember, but just short when I didn't feel like having a conversation. I didn't hate her, we just had nothing in common, I think she had unrealistic expectations, my Dad was her 3rd husband (!) and she was around previous step-kids when they were really young. She is also one of those people who take on all the likes/dislikes of her husband, no opinions of her own really.
Once I was out of the house I have never called her to talk, ever. I would talk to my Dad. So while my Dad was in hospice I was there every single day. I am starting to get the impression she thought I was there for her because she now expects a super close relationship. One that we never had. Like the relationship I had with my Dad should transfer to her.
She makes me crazy now. Calling all the time. I am tired, I am sad and depressed. Every time she calls I am reminded my Dad is gone and I am saddled with her. I don't mind helping her any time she needs it, I just don't want to be friends who talk on the phone and get lunch.
She isn't alone, she has tons of friends (more than me,) and a son. I don't get why I get to be the one she is leaning on, those people actually like her! I just tolerated her and now am having a harder and harder time doing that.
She's always asking "what's wrong!," "are you okay!?" and "is Bubsy mad at me?" - directed to my husband.
I learned early in this, that she repeats everything, so I tell her nothing now.She usually doesn't even get what she's repeating correct and has caused some issues between my brother and I - we've both learned to keep quiet and not tell her anything anymore and just talk to each other. She also asks about my weight constantly and if I am still running, she either thinks I am fat or I have given her nothing else to talk about with me.
Then I feel really guilty. Her husband died and then she also had to put her dog to sleep a few weeks ago (I went with her.) Then little by little I start getting annoyed again, my Dad died, my dog died, their dog was actually the family dog I picked out and raised (long before stepmom,) why can't I just be left alone to deal with all this in my own way without someone in my face all the time? Why is she expecting my entire personality and our relationship to change? I can't ask her that without major fallout. But I guess that's where it's heading.
I feel like a terrible person that I don't want to deal with her. I am probably a huge jerk. I can't think of any way to tell her to back off with out it going very badly, there really is no way without her being wounded. I keep hoping she'll move away. I don't want to be mean, but I am. I just feel so guilty.
I would be surprised if any one actually read this far this is so long and it's really just me whining and being an a selfish ***.
Re: Step-Mother's expectations (really long, crybaby vent)
It seems that she felt the 2 of you got closer, and she's probably also grabbing onto you as something to hold onto of your dad's. I can't fault her for this.
but - it's not your responsibility to "take care" of her, so to speak.
Do you answer all her calls? If so, I'd start there - back away a little w/ the phone calls. Don't answer all of them.
But if she does question you, it's up to you on how to handle it. You can be honest, which probably will lead to a fall out. Or you can dance around it. What I mean is just tell her that "as she knows", you've always been very introverted, you like to keep to yourself. You've wanted to be there for her, but now, you're at a point where you need time to yourself. You feel you haven't really had a chance to fully process your father's death, and you know it's because you've been to focused on other people. So... you're taking some time for yourself.
If, from this, she is hurt/wounded/offended - well, then that's on her. There will be no way for you to peacefully back away from her. But I woudl hope that she would respect this and respect you and give you space.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You are the closest thingto dad she's got, it is perfectly normal for her to try and cling to it.
Don't take her calls as often, dont see her as often etc..if she asks why tell her that its hard for you to see her now...
I can't figure out how to post with quoting apparently. Sorry about that...
I just wanted to tell you, you're not a jerk and you're not selfish. I totally understand why you feel the way you do. And I think PP are correct in that you're the closest thing to her late husband she has. But, like they said, you're not her therapist or her daughter. You can limit your contact and not feel like a jerk. And when she asks, what's wrong, are you mad, I think you can gently say, You know, I'm having a hard time and it's difficult to talk about. Then change the subject or make an excuse to get off the phone.
I'm sorry for your losses. Be well.
I don't think my Step-mom is a bad person, I do think she's being a little passive aggressive with her comments about my weight and my hair, and calling my husband to find out what's wrong with me.
That makes me want to talk to her even less.
She's also done some other things that I am not happy with, but they are her decisions to make and really don't affect me. I would never tell her what to do, she needs to do what she thinks is right and makes her happy.
Seeing her every other week would be way too much for me. Truthfully, I don't want or need anything from her. I don't look to her as a support person at all.
She's just a huge source of guilt to me now. I really appreciate everything she did for my Dad while he died and that she was a good wife and partner. Which makes it really hard for me to be honest and be all - I really don't want a relationship with you beyond what we already had - I was polite and nice when I saw her. With my Dad gone I would rarely see her and I would perfectly happy with that.
Thanks everyone for listening and giving me feedback.
OK, wow, you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, don't you.
First of all, you're not a terrible person and you're not being selfish. I had a somewhat similar problem, except the person bugging me was my mom, who I am very close to and talk to all the time. But, in the months (especially) following my father's death, I just couldn't be her rock when I needed a rock of my own.
My way of dealing with grief is avoidance. The old "bury your head in the sand and pretend nothing is wrong" kind of thing. It works for me. If I have my moments, I have them alone and then I feel better later. My mom, on the other hand, is a talker. She wanted to talk about my dad nonstop. We'd see a baby in a restaurant and it'd make me smile and she'd say, "your dad loved babies. He loved you guys so much, he was such a good father." Or we'd be in a store and she'd say, "your dad wouldn't go into stores with me, he'd stay outside and sleep in the driver's seat." It was more than I could handle. And then I'd have the additional guilt/stress of feeling like she was in over her head and that I needed to be there for her in whatever way she needed to deal with his death. It was awful, for a long time.
It's better now. She still talks about him a lot, but it's not so hard for me to hear about him or talk about him in return. So, I will say that your grief for your father will probably heal faster than hers. And maybe as you heal, you can be a little more present in her healing process. Until then, I would let her know that you are really struggling here, and that you just can't handle being reminded of your dad so much with her. Respectfully ask if she can reach out and lean on others who may not have been as affected by his death. I think she's reaching out to you though because you make her feel like things are normal, or it makes her feel closer to him.
Something that helped my mom a lot was a grief group. I'd suggest that to her. And I'd keep an open mind to become friends later. You may find her a comfort in a year or two.
I'm sorry for your loss. All I can say is that it gets better, but takes a while to get there.
You get to grieve in your own way - I'm really sorry for your loss. Understand that your step mom probably is looking for some normalcy in her life too and you are the closest thing she has to her old life. She's also probably not ready to move on yet.
I really do think if you talk with her, she's going to understand. She may not like it at first, but she'll understand. Maybe one day, you might feel like connecting with her as the person who was nearest and dearest to your dad toward the end - probably not today though.
Today, you figure out how to get along without your dad and not have people question how you choose to go about doing that. Today you get to think about you and not worry about hurting other peoples' feelings. You are allowed to make this about you and work through this however it works for you.
>>>hugs<<<
I would just tell her that talking with her makes you sad and miss your dad. You hope she understands, but it's too hard for you. Don't make it about her personality or anything.
I think it's ok if you don't have a relationship with her. She's not your friend. The fact that she was married to your dad doesn't automatically make her your "family." Heck, if something ever happened to DH, there are plenty of people in his family that I would not feel obligated IN THE LEAST to keep in contact with (there are others that I would love to stay connected to - - but if they didn't want a relationship with me, I would 100% understand!).
This is very true.
I do agree. I think that's maybe part of the reason why I don't want to deal with her anymore? He's gone, so she should go as well? I do have a tendency to completely be done with things - it's how I deal.
You both had different losses. She may be unconciously trying/hoping to mitigate her loss by gathering memories of her husband from you, information from his past she knows nothing about that would add to her understanding of him, now that she has no other resource for this. The same is true for you, with her, and if you can get past not particularly feeling close to her, you could learn some things about your dad that you don't know about, too.
It's the only chance you have to get more information about him now, really, how he was as a husband in a happy marriage etc. I know she's annoying, but he loved her, and why he did might be an interesting thing for you to learn about him. What you learn from her might give you deeper insight into yourself.
My first though while reading was also that she may be looking for parts of your dad in you to comfort her. And I also agree that you should probably, as tactfully as possible, tell her that you need some space to deal and that's just how you've always done it. I can identify with that.
I also think though that Sue-Sue had a good point about trying to stay open to a relationship in the future. I sometimes wish there was someone I could talk to about my mom to learn more about her, things I never would have thought to ask her while she was alive. While she has many living siblings and friends, it sometimes seems like there are few ppl who can talk about her without getting sad and no one wants to burden someone with that.
You could try letting her know that at this time you are coping with the loss of your loved ones in your own way and you need time for yourself. You will contact her when you are ready.