Trouble in Paradise
rt4life
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Relationship Red Flags
So since this is the TIP board I thought of an idea that could help people going through issues. Post your relationship red flags.
Something that could be an issue if you ignore it now because you think you could look past it, but is actually pretty important.
My big one, is the way he treats the women in his life...especially his mother.
A man should never bad mouth his mother unless she did some true harm to him. Also if I hear a man call a woman a biiitch...no matter how bad she is..it pretty much turns me off in every single way. I hate that!
If you knew better, you'd do better.
Re: Relationship Red Flags
Here's a bunch:
He treats service-oriented people like trash. If he talks to waiters, waitresses, and others in the service industry like crap, lay rubber.
Can't save money
Has no regard for his kids
Too close to the ex -- she calls too often and he seems to be a little too chummy with her
He can't stand up for himself
Drug use
Alcohol problem
He seems to be a serial dater
Evasive why he broke up with his wife or last gf
Couch potato(both mentally and physically) -- he won't pick up a book or make an effort to get exercise
Very cheap
Leaves you sitting on a shelf most of the time
Treats you as little more than a masturbatory aid when you and he have sex
Communication problems -- he shuts down, ignores you, freezes you out, is divisive or very argumentive, etc
Anger management problems
Road rage! (this is a good one) - if he can't control himself behind the wheel, forget it
Heavily in debt
There are culturally based problems -- culture is very difficult to breech and what is normal for that culture often as not is not normal in ours
He can't stand up for you or take your side
Doesn't support your dreams
Won't stand behind you in what you want to pursue
Does not put you first, with no questions asked
Has a "friend" that he seems to be too too close with -- he texts her endlessly, calls her all the time, etc. (this "friend" is no friend; be forewarned and forearmed)
Spends far too much time with his buddies
Thats a really good list...
I'm just having an issue with my husband and I dont know if I'm overreacting or not. I was trying to get a feel for what others would say...
I'm deployed now...my husband is a Soldier too and has been deployed...before we even knew each other. But lately its just been getting really hard for me. Like we text and email and talk on the phone but recently he's been starting to hang out a lot more, with new friends. Some of them I know and if he says he's going out and I ask him who he's going with he gets an attitude.
He will tell me who he's going with but he gets mad at me for asking. He says I dont trust him and that I always ask him stuff like "who what when where why" type questions. I admit that I do. But its not that I'm accusing him of anything, its just that sometimes I want to know what he's up to you know?
Its really hard being away from him, and sometimes I just want to know what he's doing while I'm away. According to him asking a lot of questions is...idk overboard. I dont think I'm being unreasonable...he never asks me if I do things out here. I always TELL him. Its not like there is much to do but they have talent shows, comedy shows, waffle brunches and a superbowl party recently to name a few.
I dont know maybe what I'm asking is should i just lay off asking him questions and wait for him to tell me or should I be worried that he gets mad at me for asking things?
Who are you going out with is a perfectly reasonable question, especially considering that you are apart right now and you just want to know how he is spending his days because you care.
Unless you are asking in an accusatory manner, there is no reason that he should get defensive unless he feels that he is doing something wrong.
Agreed. That sounds like making conversation to me. If he gets weird or defensive about it, I would say it's a possible red flag.
Anything on this chart:
http://www.ncdsv.org/images/PowerControlwheelNOSHADING.pdf
And anything that doesn't seem that it fits this chart closely needs to be addressd ASAP:
http://www.ncdsv.org/images/EqualitywheelNOSHADING.pdf
In my opinion, it's perfectly normal for you to ask who he's going out with/where he's going. My husband is in the military and we are apart a good chunk of the year. He asks me who I'm going out with, I ask him. It's an expected question in a marriage. If your H is getting defensive, it signals to me that he has a reason not to want to tell you.
Thanks everyone for the input. He doest hide what he does..but he just gets an attitude if I ask him all the time. He does say I ask him questions as if hes already done something wrong...when thats not my intention. I just am trying to get him talking. It just bothers me that he gets irritated when I'm just trying to make conversation you know?