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Please settle this etiquette debate for me and H
Hey, I have an etiquette question, and it's really a 2-parter that H and I debate from time to time... The first part is "what's appropriate?" and the second part is "do regional differences matter?" So here goes:
This debate started when I hosted a cocktail party/girl's night at my home with about 10-12 friends. I planned the menu (apps and desserts) of things that could be served at room temperature (so I wouldn't be running back and forth to the kitchen) and it was all finger foods. I put out plates and napkins, but didn't want to deal with utensils.
A few people brought wine, etc, but one girl shows up with a full-on, pasta dish. It needs to go in the oven, and I spent about 10 minutes in the kitchen washing forks and searching for stray plastic ones so I would have enough for everyone. I was annoyed because it meant I was stuck in the kitchen, away from my party, babysitting the food she brought. Also, the invitation indicated food would be provided.
So, the question is: Is it appropriate to bring a dish to someone else's party when the invitation does not say "pot luck"?
H and I debated this because I threw a bridal shower in his home town (again, invites said food and drink would be provided) and was bombarded with 2 unexpected desserts..making a total of 4 desserts at the party. It was a bit silly and I felt like it undermined all the work myself and others had put into the menu. He says its a regional thing that people there think every party has to be a pot luck...
...So, question #2: Are there some place/groups of people where common etiquette does not have to be followed?
Please share your thoughts.
[Poll]
Re: Please settle this etiquette debate for me and H
I would just let the cocktail party incident go. I think they probably had good intentions trying to help, were confused about the idea of the party (cocktails and appetizers only), and didn't realize it would be extra work.
However, the bridal shower bit is very odd. I've never heard of anyone bringing food other than the host. That would annoy me, especially after specifying that food and drinks will be provided.
Everyone I know always brings something to every party, shower, gathering or even just a visit. (asked or not)
If a dish isn't requested than it might be something like a dessert than you can lay out or keep for yourself later. (I would serve it that night)
I don't think anyone is trying to undermine you or your menu but only trying to be helpful.
If I had a party or shower and people showed up with more food I would serve it.
I just grew up knowing when we go to a family member's house we always show up with something.
EDIT Showers are a time when everyone brings something. (app or dessert or salad) The host never asks but there will always be people asking what they can bring. I don't understand getting angry at people wanting to help.
If I am invited anywhere I always ask what I can bring. If they say nothing I bring something for them for after the party. If they say yes I just bring whatever they request.
See, where I'm from showers are NEVER pot luck. You are asking people attending to bring a gift, so it's not appropriate to ask them to bring food/drinks as well. Generally, if I'm invited somewhere, and the invitation doesn't specify what's provided or what to bring, I ask the host. If told I don't need to bring anything, it's always nice to bring a gift for the host (a box of candy, flowers, a bottle of wine) but nothing you expect them to serve. That's just how I was raised and how it always worked in my social circles.
I really did think these were hard and fast etiquette rules...but now I'm learning that it varies.
It depends on the group of people. I don't like showing up to parties empty handed, so I always bring something.
I am not understanding why you'd be in the kitchen ALL NIGHT "babysitting" her pasta. Was it going to misbehave?
Put out forks and plates and be done with it. I find it a little bizarre that you're this upset over someone bringing something out of kindness.
Updated September 2012.
She was trying to be nice. I would of just put out plates an forks. In my area people bring dessert or liquor to a house party. I have never gone to a shower at someone's house they are always at a restaurant where I am from.
I didn't answer your poll b/c for me it has more to do with the type of party than particular group or region. I would not bring anything to a shower or bday party I was invited to, but I would likely bring something to a girls night/holiday party/sporting event party, etc.
I'm pretty laid back about this type of thing but I guess if it's something I get an invitation to I'm less likely to bring something.
In the case of a shower, no, I wouldn't generally bring something. But, at least with my group of friends, it is always welcome and appreciated to bring something! I don't really understand why you'd be annoyed that she brought something. Sure, you didn't ask for it, but in a lot of circles, it is considered somewhat rude to show up empty handed. Look at it this way, she spend a lot of time on preparing this dish with the thought in mind that she was relieving you, in a small way, of the burden of cooking for a party.
It really might be culture based, because my first generation Polish family always through parties where the host provided all the food. But in my group of friends (many different backgrounds), it is almost always accepted that guests will contribute a dish or a bottle of wine to take the burden off the host. I have only thrown one party in the past few years where I provided all the food, and it put me out approximately $300. Thus, I really appreciate the understanding between my current group of friends where the host of the party provides a portion of the food and drinks, but can count on almost all of the guests pitching in, in some way. This allows us to have get togethers far more often than we otherwise would.
Perhaps in a more formal setting, I would expect the host to provide all the refreshments, but it would have to be pretty formal.
I understand where the original poster is coming from. To a formal event like a shower I wouldn't show up with a dish, I would assume that the hosts had planned everything out, unless they asked or the invitation said something about bringing something.
To a less formal event I would call before to ask the host if I could bring something. If they said no, I wouldn't bring anything. If I knew I was bringing a dish that needed to be warmed or needed any sort of prep I would also let the host know ahead of time. What if that pasta dish had shown up to an already full oven...it would have sat there cold, uneaten, and a little awkward.
::picks up Staylor's eyes::
Who are these people?
Anywho, when I RSVP to something casual, I ask if I should bring something. If it's something more formal, like a shower, I would not bring something. And, if this matters, I used to be an event planner.
2012 Reading Challenge
It's not appropriate for you to bring something if you're not asked to do so, IF you get all butthurt if the hostess does not use it but instead puts it away for herself for later.
Bring stuff all you want, but consider it a hostess gift for her to use or not use as she chooses. Not every social gathering is a potluck.
I personally think bringing some oozing, dripping dish that requires hostess attention when she has not asked you to bring anything is really not very kind or thoughtful.