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I think I hurt DH's feelings..
So as most of you know now (I've posted enough about it lol) DH leaves for basic in July. This will be the first time since college that we've been apart. So I've been trying to prepare myself not only for being alone, but parenting alone. I've read a lot about how a wife's 'job' is to be strong while they're apart so that their husbands aren't deployed (or away in general) and worrying about their wife at home crying or being depressed, etc. Anyways, I've been making a list of things I can do with LO when DH is gone, and things I can by myself to keep me busy and entertained. And I've been telling DH about my ideas because I want him to think I can handle it and be strong. But I think he started to take it as I was excited for him to leave so I can do these things... :-( I talked to him yesterday about how that wasn't the case and I was just trying to prepare myself and he admitted to feeling that way a bit, like I wanted him to go so I could do all those things without him. I was so sad I hurt his feelings. I didn't even think about that, I just wanted him to know I was going to be able to handle it and stay busy. So now I need to find a balance between showing him I'll be strong while he's gone but also him knowing it'll be hard for me and I'll miss him. I guess I thought that was obvious, but I must be a very good actress of being strong and carrying on..
Has anyone else had to find this balance? Any suggestions? I'm going to tone down telling him my ideas of keeping busy..
Re: I think I hurt DH's feelings..
We don't have kids so take this as you will.
When one of us is TDY or deployed, we take pictures of everything. The glory of smart phones is being able to take pictures on the spot and e-mail them, text them, or print them. Also, don't just make plans for what to do with DS, make plans for yourself, drop DS off with grandparents and have a girls night. Or just go grocery shopping by yourself. Whatever. Also make plans for you and YH for when he graduates. What is something you two would like to do? What is something you'd like to do as a family when he gets done? Make him feel included.
I think this is the part I've been missing, the make him feel included. It's hard because when he's back from AIT we'll be moving, but we don't know where yet or exactly when. So it's hard to make too many specific plans, but I need to start thinking of generic plans or even moving plans to include him in. Thanks!!
My H doesn't have a deployment looming (that we know of) but he still worries about all the things I'm going to experience with our daughter if/when he does deploy again. I try to remind him to just enjoy right now and all the things she's currently doing and learning.
Can you do some of the things on your list while your H is still home? You can always do them again in a few months while he's gone. I'm sure your LO isn't going to care that you're going to the zoo again.
This is also a very good point. I'm trying to plan a family weekend getaway for before he leaves, but I should try and focus on making more memories for him then just one weekend. As soon the weather warms up it'll be easier to do some more stuff too!
Making memories with him doesn't have to be out and about or even cost money. Put the baby down for the night, rent a good movie, order pizza, throw a bunch of fluffy blankets and pillows on the floor and camp out in the living room.
Between now and when he leaves, take a ton of pictures. While he's gone, send him those pics. Also include pics of the things y'all are doing while he's gone. We take a ton of road trips when my H deploys. We always bring his favorite ball cap. We have four kids. Each kid gets to wear the hat for a period of time during those trips so it is in all the pics we take. We call it "The Adventures of the Traveling Daddy Hat." We even take pics of the hat on road signs, with his favorite beer, on a giant wooden moose and such. All of those things help him to see we are ok and the silly pics make him laugh.
Try to limit your talk of when he is gone. He's going to be missing out on a lot of your lives. Hearing about your plans before hand is only going to make it harder to leave. Talk about things you want to do when he gets back. Talk about planning some of his favorite meals or how you can't wait to find out where y'all are going so you can start researching housing and such. Help him to look forward to that time instead of dreading the time apart. It was so hard for me to leave my kids when I went to Basic. I kept my mind on getting back and the things we would do then.
It's funny you have a traveling hat, we're going to make an Army bear before he leaves at build a bear, and call it Daddy Bear, and everywhere we go I've promised to take Daddy bear with us.
I admit though I've been talking a lot about when he leaves what we'll do and I'm thinking now that was really insensitive. I was thinking of it as a way for him to know we'll be ok and strong, but in hindsight I think it has just been mean... Hindsight's 20/20... I'll definitely be changing the way we approach this. Thanks for the advise! It makes me sad to think I've been inadvertently hurting his feelings.. but at least I'm aware now of where I've gone wrong and can start approaching it differently!
Dont get so focused on the tree that you dont see the forest in front of you, KWIM? If you get too caught up in the details on your "job" of staying strong and preparing for that, then you'll miss all the things happening now, or what's happening later.
I am not sure how to say this exactly, but that whole notion of the wife (or spouse at home)'s "job" being to stay strong so the service member doesnt have to worry about them at home is a little off putting to me. Certainly, we dont need to be stressing out our partners who are deployed and giving them things to worry about that they can do absolutely nothing to help. BUT then there is also the fact that you will be sad and miss them, and be frustrated when they are not there to help with x, y, or z. Not saying you need to tell YH about every sad thought you have or anything, but there is a balance.
I could see where YH is coming from I think, and other posters have said some good things about all that. We talk a lot on here about how [although we will miss our spouse, etc] we want them to leave so that we can just get things *started* instead of planning everything ad nauseum. Its pretty common, I mean, the sooner they leave, the sooner they come back right?
In my experience the more I focus on the negative, the more negative it ends up being. So if I'm like, "OMG this is going to suck so bad, and I have to do alllll this to get over it, or distract myself, blah blah whatever" then it is going to suck, even while I am keeping myself busy- and I have to force myself to have "fun" which never ends up fun. Its like I'm thinking- well I have to do this, even though I'd rather stab my eye out because I have to distract myself so life doesnt suck as bad. Last time DH went to a 7 week training, and I stayed back to work (I could have gone) I had the attitude that it was not going to be that bad and we would get through it, and I would be over before I knew it, it was so much easier on myself and I ddint have to "force" myself to stay busy, have fun, or distract myself, it just happened. (Please for the love of baby Jebus no one take this out of context and say that I am comparing a 7 week training to deployment, because I am not. I am just giving a real-life, personal example. ok?)
I changed my name