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How often do you see your parents?
Ugh my parents totally gave us a guilt trip yesterday, and I'm a little annoyed. DH's parents are in Delaware, and we see them basically for holidays. My parents are 40 mins (and a $9 bridge toll) away in Staten Island. Not a big deal, but I honestly just don't want to see them every weekend.
Growing up, my WHOLE family went to grandma's for Sunday dinner. It was wonderful, I'm so lucky that I grew up so close to my aunts, uncles and cousins. However, since everyone got busy, grew up, started families, etc, it just doesn't happen anymore.
So my mom and dad both made a comment that they don't see us much, and we never come over. I'm sorry, we both work full time, and need our weekends to get stuff done and relax. We probably see them about once a month, maybe less. This month happens to be every weekend bc they were helping us with some stuff around the house. In the summer, I don't want to be ANYWHERE on the weekend except for the beach. There are too few days already to enjoy the summer weather, I certainly don't want to spend it at my parents house with no pool and no beach. I know I probably sound selfish, but we really just value our free time, especially since everything will be so different once we have a baby.
So thanks for reading my vent, what do you think??
Re: How often do you see your parents?
I try my best to see my mother once a month and take her out. I don't like spending time with my mother in law at all. We only see her at family events or if I know it has been more then 3 months I tell my husband to go visit his mother. I could care less if he does or doesn't... My dad past away when I was 26 and I wish I could of visited him more at least 3-6 times a month, but I did visited him at least twice a month for about 4 hours. For my husband's dad we visit him once a year (he lives in Albany) and every time he is in Miami (which is about 4 times in a year) we go out to dinner with him.
I hate guilt trips! When we lived in NH we would see my FIL about once a week (for family dinner on Sunday!) My mom about once a month (she lived about 20 minutes away), and my MIL about once every other month or so (she lived an hr away) My dad lives in TX (I'm here right now!!) and I only see him about once a year if that....the hard part for us is both our parents are divorced so we essentially have 4 sets of parents.
Now that we live in MD its a lot less often..I think the longest we have gone without going back to NH was 6 months last fall..but with work, and now grad school we don't have the time or the money. Thankfully its temporary (grad school) and we are probably going to end up back in New England at some point after I graduate.
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I don't think you are being selfish at all! Your parents just need to understand that you guys have a life and it's not always possible to spend every weekend with them.
To answer your question, I see my parents about once a week...I usually go over on the weekends and take the dog along with me b/c they adore him. However, my parents only live about 15 mins away. We see DH's parents maybe once every month or so...not as often as mine.
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yeah - i live literally 5 miles from my parents, half a mile from my in-laws, and a quarter of a mile from my grand in laws... and we don't see them nearly enough! LOL i see my mom prob like once a week or every other week either at the gym or she comes by to hang out or play w/ Shelby. LOL needless to say she is dying for May to arrive as well!
you aren't being selfish - and remember - you can always extend the invite to them to join you at the beach or for lunch or something and meet half way! (lol i was goin gto say to your house, but then sometimes, parent's don't get the "ok, i'm going to finish up this visit and you should leave now'" cues...)
good luck!
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I don't think you are being selfish either! It's hard when you only have so much free time, and your parents live a good distance away.
We see DH's mom and step dad maybe once a month or twice a month depending on what's happening. Since I am in grad school, work full time, and have a 15 hour a week internship...it's hard to make time for other people. My FIL and Step MIL live in CT and we're in PA. We see them maybe 5-6 times a year. Once is usually when we go up there...the rest of the time they come down to visit with family.
We see my mom not nearly as often as I would like. She only lives about 20 minutes away...but our schedules never mesh due to her working on the weekends at times. I'll say every other month maybe. My dad and I don't really talk anymore...so I can't even tell you the last time I saw him...which is sad.
In the summer, I usually my parents every other weekend, sometimes every weekend. In the winter, it's about twice a month. If I could see them more in the winter, I would. Not to sound morbid or anything, but I'm trying to spend as much time with them as possible because life is short and the unexpected can happen.
I think you have to do what feels right for you.
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My fam lives 20min away his mom lives 45min away (with no traffic but there is NEVER no traffic)
So I see my mom more often when we are working on shows since we both do costumes for the high school theatre group. However I don't count that because we are usually across the room or in different rooms working on sewing machines and not really spending quality time together.
We see his mom about once a month be it a b-day or holiday or random dinner out.
We see my mom about the same for similar things but I do pop over there to pick thing up or we'll see her at mutual events in our area.
My mom is great about not guilt-ing. She invited us over Sunday but we had dinner plans already and she was like ok next week then no problem. DH's mom on the other hand is much more apt to use it and it works on him.
We probably see them at least once every couple of months. The all live about 65 miles away, but during the summer I hate driving down there. The interstate to their town leads right to Virginia Beach so all the tourists are heading that way and it takes forever to get there.
My parents have tried guilt tripping us, too, but the fact of the matter is that interstate runs both ways and my parents have yet to visit us in our rental house. That we moved into last May. And H's mom has only been to see us once. After we told her multiple times to come visit.
I think parents need to realize that we have lives now with our husbands and some with kids and kids on the way and that if they want to see us that badly they can visit as well. It's a 2 way street and I refuse to be guilt tripped and I've told my parents that. I felt bad, but I had to say it.
Mel - I know how you feel - I think about this also. I personally couldn't imagine going a whole month without seeing my Mom - we are super close, and we get together regularly every two weeks for our mani/pedi's and lunch and/or shopping or whatever. If we lived a good distance away, then I would definitely make it a point to see her at least once a month in person, plus our almost daily phone calls!
I see my Dad about once a month or so, when we swing past her house while we're out so that we can say hi in person. But I talk to my Dad on the phone at least once or twice a week.
H goes to visit his Dad (his Mom passed) religiously every other week. Often, he'll just watch a movie with him (in the Winter) or sit out under the big shade tree and shoot the breeze during the Summer.
I mean, yeah, we're super busy (who isn't these days?) - but it hits me often that my folks are getting older, and life is just too uncertain. I still make time to do the things I like to do - it just so happens that one of things I like best is hanging out with my Momma :-)
Mel - I know how you feel - I think about this also. I personally couldn't imagine going a whole month without seeing my Mom - we are super close, and we get together regularly every two weeks for our mani/pedi's and lunch and/or shopping or whatever. If we lived a good distance away, then I would definitely make it a point to see her at least once a month in person, plus our almost daily phone calls!
I see my Dad about once a month or so, when we swing past her house while we're out so that we can say hi in person. But I talk to my Dad on the phone at least once or twice a week.
H goes to visit his Dad (his Mom passed) religiously every other week. Often, he'll just watch a movie with him (in the Winter) or sit out under the big shade tree and shoot the breeze during the Summer.
I mean, yeah, we're super busy (who isn't these days?) - but it hits me often that my folks are getting older, and life is just too uncertain. I still make time to do the things I like to do - it just so happens that one of things I like best is hanging out with my Momma :-)
Great post!
Yeah it can be very tough.
I live 5 - 10 minutes away from my parents and since we moved out in November and into our new house, I don't think we have seen them as often as they would like. Ususally we see eachother once a week, whether its dinner at their house or going out to the bar afterwork one night.
We went there for dinner last night with my brother (who lives at home) and his girlfriend. Dad is now trying to instate the Sunday night dinner, and thinks its a great idea. I think its alright because it will force me out of my house (force is the wrong word, I am happy to go!). Plus I love my mom's cooking.
I can totally see where you would be coming from though, the trip to Staten Island is a little much. What if you plan a dinner half way in between (not in Staten Island), or would you want them to beach with you in the summer?
Sorry you are being guilted though, parent guilt is the worst!
I wish I could see my folks more often, but they live four and a half hours away, so that's quite different from your case. I suppose if we lived locally, I'd likely see my mom weekly (if not more so) and my dad monthly (they're divorced), if frequency of phone conversations is any indication. As it is, we last saw our parents at Christmas (everyone except my MIL who lives more than a dozen hours away by car), and before that, at Thanksgiving, and before that, a couple of times in the spring and summer (but then, it was all because of Milo).
We feel a little guilty sometimes in regards to FIL because he lives on the way to my parents, but we usually don't have time to stop off and see them (we're always running behind schedule it seems). But there are times when we go see FIL and don't have time to go further to see my folks, so it does even out. And we wish we could see MIL more but she's so far away. I wish I could see my dad more often too but he's very laid back about it (too laid back sometimes).
I get both your side of it, and your folks'. I guess my take on it would be this: if you like spending time with your folks, make an effort to see them on a regular basis, a compromise maybe between what you would prefer to do and what they would. ETA: My perspective is like Mel's and Stacy's -- my parents are my best friends, along with DH, and I can't imagine life without them. It kills me that I live so far away from them now (and it's not that far). They are getting older and I want to be there for them, and I want them to know their grandson (and for Milo to know them). But then, I've always been a "momma's" and "daddy's girl"
Plus, once you have a baby they won't want to see *you* anymore, you'll just be chauffeur to your baby, lol! So spend quality time with them while you have the chance!
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I always lived close to them (5 min away in the apt and 10 min away at our house) so it's regular to go over for dinner every Sunday, plus sometimes we'd go over once or twice during the week depending on what was going on (birthdays, etc.). Other times we'd go to dinner with them on Saturdays as well. My mom doesn't bug me to come over a lot or anything; she just knows we'll always be there on Sunday. Mike's parents have been gone for 20 years so all we have left are mine & next Thursday will be a year that my dad has been gone.
Ok now I feel a little guilty. I am really close with my parents, and I want to spend time with them. I think it's the "every Sunday" expectation that has got to me. Maybe I can try to strike up a compromise, like every first Sunday is a day we spend together. The rest is just whatever comes up.
I guess I just feel like once we have a baby, I am going to want them around all the time so our baby has grandparents that they are close to (like I had) so I want to just enjoy whatever time I have with DH alone and not having any responsibilities or plans.
Interesting to hear from all of you on this...
(oh and I don't mind in the least about having them over, I love when they spend the day here. they are not beach-goers, so although that's a good idea, I can't see them wanting to spend the day with us.)
Our parents live an hour away from us. We see them on average about once a month I guess.
My parents are retired and are always on the go. My dad is very involved in their community and my mom is involved in the church's quilting group. When we go out, we usually have to call first to make sure they are going to be home. During the summer, it's a rare weekend that they are both home all day. In the 4+ years that we have lived here, my parents have come over once and that was Christmas Eve. My dad has stopped by once or twice while he was passing through but that's it.
DH parents are more "home-bodies" though, so there is a good chance they are home. We have had them over for dinner once and they have stopped by once or twice after taking DH's aunt to the airport (which is 10 min from us).
When we do go out, we make sure to visit both sets of parents. Sometimes I wish they would come this way instead of us always making the drive, but that probably won't happen (at least until we have kids anyway).
My parents live 2,500 miles away (i.e., a full day plane ride). But I make an effort to see them at least 3 times a year. I am very close to my parents and I make a point to call them at least 3 times a week.
We often do video chats on the weekend using Google+ with my parents (in Michigan), brother (in Arizona), grandpa (in Texas), and Uncle (in Panama) to keep in touch. Although I prefer seeing my family in person, phone calls and video chats are great when you want to catch up but can't meet. Maybe your family could do a bit more of this?
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