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Couple's therapist taking his side?
I've posted a bit about my situation, but to sum it up, I'm ready to leave but my H is bipolar, and one of our biggest issues is our inability to talk about everything, including what's wrong in the marriage. We've started going to counseling together, mainly because I need someone to help me find the best way to end this for him, due to the situation. We each had an individual session, and when I went back for a second individual session, I felt like she had been completely swayed by his charm and life story. First she told me I should really be working to fix things, and then was telling me that he was only acting the way he is because I've been distancing myself, and that he hasn't done anything wrong but just happens to be someone who triggers my past trauma to surface. She even made a flippant comment to me about how some people are just better off alone (i.e. me because I told her I like having alone time).
I agree that I'm responsible for part of the situation, I certainly don't believe I'm faultless. But I have always had a problem of trying to tough out hard situation, even when I'm miserable and unhealthy, because I was just raised to suck it up and see it through. And I'm trying to learn from past mistakes of doing that, and see that it is unhealthy to continue that trend now. So having the third party impartial person making me feel guilty for quitting is just making it that much worse.
So I could just use a few words of encouragement and support. I know its the healthy decision for me in the long run, and I know I'll be fine and happy. But I guess I feel like no one believes how bad the situation actually is for me.
Re: Couple's therapist taking his side?
Well, I suppose he is probably charming. He charmed you, didn't he? And that 'charm' did not last forever with you, and it won't with her.
But that's beside the point. You're in counselling, with your dh, for some reason; but it sounds like you want her to say to you that it's all his fault, and none of yours; or mostly his, at any rate. You're not going to get that, because couples counselling isn't about assessing blame, it's about figuring out a way to move forward in the future. It's not her job to give you a way out and complete exoneration, and if you feel you need that from her before you can leave, you'll be waiting a long time. Her view is, you saw something in this man once, you can see it again, maybe, and furthermore, just being in her office is proof to her that you want to try.
But you don't sound like you really do want to move forward with him in the future; and I can understand this. Bipolar people make great weekend boyfriends, but they can really suck as a husband or a father. She's not your individual therapist, she's a therapist for your marriage, as an entity. I'd strongly advise, if you want support for a decision you've made to leave and help coping with the aftermath while you're getting through it, that you see an individual counselor, for just you.
Sorry you're going through this.
I went through the same thing with our couples therapist. It was bad enough that my personal therapist (who was a colleague of the couples therapist) mentioned to me that even SHE felt that it was inappropriate (the couples therapist was apparently calling my personal therapist about us - can we say ethics violation?), and that I needed to either speak up, or find a different therapist.
If you otherwise like this therapist, I would highly recommend making another solo appointment with her to raise your concerns and if it doesn't seem like she's willing to listen to them, I'd say it's time to find a different (and unbiased) couples therapist.
"You don't get to be all puke-face about your kid shooting your undead baby daddy when all you had to do was KEEP HIM IN THE FLUCKING HOUSE, LORI!" - doctorwho
It actually isn't a violation of the ethics code for them to hold individual sessions as long as ALL parties agree to it. Most therapists still won't do it, though, because of the risk of developing bias.
But ditto the comments here and above that you should be seeing someone individually if you feel it would be beneficial. I know my personal therapist was a fantastic help to me when I was going through the initial stages before and during our separation and divorce.
"You don't get to be all puke-face about your kid shooting your undead baby daddy when all you had to do was KEEP HIM IN THE FLUCKING HOUSE, LORI!" - doctorwho
It's not your therapists job to TELL you anything. It's her job for you to decide for yourself, and ask questions to help you get to the right answer for you.
You aren't obligated to see her for more individual sessions just because you are seeing her for marriage counseling. In fact, she has a conflict in that b/c your individual needs/wants might not be in line with what is best for your marriage (or your husband, if he is seeing her individually as well).
You can change individual counselors, and you can even find another marriage counselor if you don't feel right with her.
I need alone time too - that just means that I am an introvert. That doesn't mean that I'm "meant to be alone!" There are a whole range of books out now that are saying that introverts shouldn't be made to "fit in" to a world (or at least US) geared towards extroverts.
Just to clarify a couple things, I am seeing my own therapist as well, and it has helped me tremendously. And no, I don't want the couple's therapist to tell me it's all his fault. I know that my actions are partly to blame for what has happened. But the fact of the matter is that this relationship is unhealthy for me, the situation caused me to have a breakdown, it is making me physically ill, and yes it is causing some of my past problems to surface, such as an anxiety disorder, so regardless of who is at fault, I was hoping the therapist would understand that I need to leave the marriage for my own health and happiness and wellbeing. I'm not trying to blame him, but I'm not able to give him what he needs and he's not able to give me what I need.
And as for the reasons for being in couple's therapy, its because I need help to leave the marriage. I want to know that other people are aware of his potential to become suicidal and that people are there to help him with this and also to help him acknowledge the issues between us (due to a brain injury he forgets what's wrong, forgets that he was even unhappy), and I need a place to be able to tell him this where I will feel safe from his anger.
So I was just looking for support here, because I have gotten entangled in this, and I am doing the best I can to work through it but I don't have the support base that I wish I did.
I know this is heavy, I just don't really have many outlets for all of this stuff weighing on me.