Problems with my mom, I just need some sort of advice, support, something because I feel like I don't even know her right now..
I am 23, divorced and living with my boyfriend.
I got married far too young, I can see now I was very much still a child. I was 19 when I last lived with my mother. In this last year I feel I have woken up from a dull dreary sleep, I feel myself being alive again. My marriage had to do with a lot of pressure factors, a large one being a very strict religion. There were a lot of religious, sexual, and neglect issues I hid from my family. It came as a great shock when I announced I was leaving him, yet once it spread, my closest family members including my mom said they weren't surprised.
As I'm going thru this issue, I made the risky decision to start a relationship. I am aware that going from a failing relationship into a new relationship is generally a terrible idea. It had its bumps, but I find I am so happy now, and my partner is so well meshed with me, it really shows how not right my ex and I were.
The dust has settled now tho, and everything is pretty calm.
Except my mother. She has been increasingly hostile and rude. For the way she speaks to me, she still seems to believe I am the same person I was at 19. Ridiculous things like being shocked that my home is clean or that I do laundry. She is always trying to force me into going to school, when she knows my plan is to be a SAHM. I've never ever cared much for a career, though I do appreciate school, and am considering possibly a two year in bus management as I currently have a 'part time job' doing freelance illustrations and selling my craft work. My hands are always busy when I am home, I really enjoy it. This is honestly my dream, a quiet fulfilling life with a family I love and all my arts! Throw in some travel, and later a child and I'm pretty darn happy. I am an easy to please person, but this isn't good enough for her apparently.
The most oppressive is her trying to force me to move to the city she lives in, that she has wanted to live in since she was a child. I live 45 minutes outside this city but that quite literally isn't good enough for her. She constantly expresses disgust at 'small towns' , we can't have a conversation without her bring up things over and over, when will you start school, when will you move downtown, you should apply at the hospital to work with me. Anything I want to do goes in one ear and out the other. For three years she has just been blatantly ignoring me. Now she has turned to insulting me and my boyfriend. I even had a little sit down with her to let her know that this constant harassment is starting to hurt me, and I ended up comforting her as she completely freaked out sobbing and making wild claims that no one wants to be around her and she is going to stop asking for anything.
I think she got this fantasy in her head that when I left my husband I was going to come running home to her and be her little girl again and that was never going to happen. I and definitely entering that adult part of my life where I need to strike out and make my own decisions.
After quite literally telling me how I should just come to the city, I brushed her off as the only thing I can do now, she started insulting me and my boyfriend for not being obsessed with living downtown in the city, and that I had bad taste in men. She has made little effort to visit me or get to know him, but complains I never visit her enough. She doesn't seem to understand that I'm busy with my life right now and I don't NEED to be in her home like I used to when I was married. I want her love and friendship and support, but she is past the point of directing my life and heavily influencing every decision I make.
its gotten so bad my stepfather (who is on my side) and I are starting to consider menopause because it has started to get irrational and she is nearing 50. He promised to talk to her about this three nights ago, and I have yet to hear from either of them.
It makes me very nervous, but I lost my patience of dealing with her sneaky insults and harassment and making me feel inferior. I feel bad asking him to try and help, but she just doesn't seem to hear me when I say Im finally happy! Being patient and hoping she will calm down isn't working either.
Now I am possibly planning on moving to a different city, two hour south, I've mentioned it but all she does is say well why can you move to MY city?
I want to move away from her now because I'm just so tired of dealing with the stress she has put upon me since the divorce started. All I needed was her support, easy calm support and instead she is the one making me sick and stressed and she seem to hear me when I tell her this 
Bless my boyfriend, he is taking the high road and had decided to be there for me and support me and do his best not to be upset by her, as this is so tough on me as my mother and I are so close, this is very painful
Re: Anoki-you dropped something
LOL. Not surprised at all. But it tells me that she just wants to continue sticking her head in the sand and pretend that she has it ALLLL figured out at the ripe old age of 23.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
-I wish she would just step back from going straight to the defensive and realize that even though her mom might be pushy she probably has a point.
- The whole "in the small town, once you've been dating a year you have to get married because of strong religion" and then moving in with a guy after dating for how long after a divorce? Shows that you've learned your lesson how?
-If you had a kid that wanted to be a professional baseball player, would you want him to maybe have a backup plan? Being a SAHM takes money, your husband might not make enough solo to live and support a child on (especially if you want to take trips as well)...back up us good!
I know her mom might not be approaching her in the right way, but it seems that her mom has her best interest at heart. I can name several woman I know who are stuck in miserable marriages or divorced and barely making it, because they didn't think they needed any skills or education because they were going to be a SAHM. My MIL is one of them. Never had any intention of going to school. Well little did she know that her husband would become disabled and their income would be one third of what it used to be ( and that is being generous). Little did she know that her husband would cheat on her and leave her for another woman. Little did she know that she had no choice but to get a job and walmart would be the only place that would hire her. She is still there, working at walmart but hating it.
Also, I have to seriously question a man that gets involved so quickly with a woman in an abusive relationship. To me it screams of a man trolling for a damsel in distress so that he can be her knight in shining armor. The thing is about men like that is you will never ever be able to reach a place of happiness and contentment. You will have to be a distressed damsel for the rest of your life or else he will start looking for another woman in an abusive relationship.
Oh and I do not want to knock SAHMs. I am one myself. However, I had the foresight to know that an education is something that will always help me.
ETA: What happened to that one chick that was so upset about her HPV diagnosis that she and her boyfriend had to call in sick on her new job ?
The one scenario that no one ever considers is the one where the financial provider in the marriage dies at a young age or becomes injured and unable to work.
One of my ex-bfs was diagnosed with a brain tumor right around the date of his first anniversary and although he fought a hard battle against it for four years, the tumor killed him. He and his "I just want to be a stay at home wife" wife went ahead and had a child during this time, but he couldn't get any life insurance to provide for them after he died.
And at 26, on welfare and with a child and new live-in boyfriend, she'll be wondering why her mom still won't get off her back about getting a job and taking control of her life.
And while we're throwing her the bone that her moms approach is poor, the fact that she DD'd... kind of tells me that even if her mom had been 100% calm and rational in her approach, it wouldn't have mattered. She wants to believe that she's right and her mom is wrong, and we too are all wrong.
I get being 23 and wanting to really be an ADULT and feeling like you "know it all". But have a sliver of common sense to realize that people who've "been there/done that" actually might know what they're talking about.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10