Sex & Romance
LaLovely
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Sex might as well not be sex......
Ok so i am at my witts end with my sex life. Me and my husband have been married for almost 2 years, and basically since about 6 months after we got married we stopped having sex. I mean like maybe every 3 months we would. My problem is my husband isn't adventurous enough,He doesn't like any kind of aid to get me going. I've tried creams, gels, and oils, he says he doesn't like them and absolutely refuses to try toys or even watch porn. When we do have sex he is done within 5 minutes and i'm left there feeling like i've wasted my time. It wouldn't be that bad if he could get it back up but he can't. He has managed to last longer a few times when he was drunk , but he has told me he doesn't want to make a habit of drinking in order to perform. I am at a complete loss of what to do. He is only 32 years old so i wouldn't say it's an age problem. I really need help.
Re: Sex might as well not be sex......
A lot of women (maybe even most women) aren't able to have an orgasm without adding something extra to the mix. This is because they also need clitoral stimulation.
If he's completely against toys, you could try using your hand as stimulation (just rubbing on the outside). He might even think it's hot watching you do this while making love. Maybe he'd even like to give it a try (as in, him rubbing you). If this works, explain to him that making love feels a lot better, inside and out, when you're able to do things like that. Explain that it doesn't mean he's inadequate--it's just the way God made a lot of women and you can't help that (nor should you be ashamed).
Anyway, after testing out the hand advice above, try moving on to toys (like small vibrators) that you could use on the outside while making love. He might not feel comfortable talking about this stuff, but you definitely need to speak up about this, and insist that he be open to you using things like this. It's your body, and although your very sensitive to his feelings, you deserve to get as much sexual pleasure out of sex as you can. Stand firm on this!! Good luck!
Thanks! i've tried the cutting him off option.... he just whines and says i haven't had no sex and my response is when you do something to get me off then we will have sex then we go for months without...I'm actually attempted to buy a vibrator and he had an absolute fit..... in his words plastic what you need that for.... but i shall try again.
uh...you don't ATTEMPT to buy a vibrator. you buy one. you bring it into the bedroom. you tell him what you NEED to do with it.
it sounds like he is in a great deal of denial, or has some growing up to do when it comes to talking honestly about sexuality.
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I agree with the other poster. If you want a vibrator, don't just try to buy a vibrator--actually go through with purchasing one. He may be your husband, but that doesn't mean he can or cannot tell you what you can do with your body. If you want to use a vibrator on yourself, go for it!
If I were you, I'd tell him straight up that just as he needs to get pleasure from sex, you also have the need to get something more out of it. Sex should be a quid pro quo (like a give and take situation. Both partners should be striving to give the other partner something in return). Remind him that you're happy to satisfy him however he would like (of course, only in ways that you're comfortable with), but you also expect him to have the same feelings for you.
If I were you, I'd have a dialogue with him that basically would go something like this: "First of all, let me begin by telling you that I love you and I know that you love me. If I didn't know that you loved me then I wouldn't sit down and have this very personal and meaningful conversation with you. Second of all, let me ask you to put yourself in my situation. How would you feel if you were a woman and your partner wasn't concerned with how you felt in the bedroom? Would this hurt you? Well, this is how I feel about our situation, and it greatly hurts me. What would make me feel better and respect you so much more is if we tried together to explore ways for me to also feel pleasured during sex."
The point of the statements above is to get your hubby to put himself in your shoes. People often don't think about how their actions are affecting other people.
Definitely have a serious conversation with him. Make him think about things from your perspective, and don't compromise on your needs. Good luck!
This. I recommend the Hitachi wand. If you like simultaneous external and internal stimulation, then you might want a rabbit style toy. If he's going 3 months without sex, it's probably because he pounds off in the shower or something. It isn't fair for him to expect you to not be able to get yourself off just because you need more than your hand to do it. This time of year is a great time to make this kind of purchase since there are often valentine's day sales at sex shops.
I never understand this advice, and it sets up a double standard. If he's not comfortable using a vibe, toys, or other lotions and potions, it's unreasonable and it's something he just needs to "get over". For example, If he enjoys oral but she's not comfortable with it, then he ends up living a life denied of oral plesure. (All while having to venture outside of HIS comfort zone..)
The difference is that it's outside his comfort zone to do anything but use her for 5 minutes as a blowup doll, giving her no pleasure whatsoever, which makes him a complete assh*le.
Honestly? I'd be rethinking a guy who thinks your orgasm is optional.
What was your sex life like before you were married?
I will bet the answer is either:
"It was great! We were so hot for each other"
or
"Well, he was always like this...."
BOTH of the above boil down to "he was always like this." My take on it -- after reading about how couples were so hot for each other before and after marriage, seems like the guy can't even manage a regular sex life at all -- is that while you were dating, you were only seeing a representative of him, not the real him.
It's not a game or a ploy.
He was merely trying to please YOU and give you what you wanted back then.
At an rate, you need to speak to him. He's got to meet you halfway on this -- and any guy who doesn't care if you orgasm is a stinker, in my book. Great guy.
He has always been like this.....but i was told that a penis is a muscle and for people who don't use it often it sometimes takes them longer. Before me he only had sex maybe 5 times at the most. So i thought that after 2 years it would get better.
Well really, if he's going 3+ months without having an orgasm, I can't imagine that it would take him very long to get off. But most women don't actually orgasm from p+v intercourse anyway. What that means is not that most women don't orgasm, but that heterosexual couples who care about the woman's pleasure do something besides just straight intercourse. The issue here is that when you guys do have sex, it's entirely centered around him in that it ends as soon as he gets his. If my H tried to pull that nonsense, I wouldn't be sleeping with him either. But then, my H isn't a jerkface, so...
And BTW, a penis is not a muscle and there is no muscle inside it.
This doesn't address the problem at hand directly (ha), but I wouldn't take his word that he doesn't masturbate. Most guys who say they don't to their partners are lying for one reason or another. He sounds incredibly uncomfortable with sex and more importantly doesn't seem to naturally want to give you pleasure. Good luck.
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