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An update :)
Well since I've been back, I've been very sick. Severe bronchitis, and the medication they gave me was making me vomit daily. I lost 9 lbs, but they finally changed my meds and I'm feeling much much better.
I'm really trying to find my mind in all of this, and I'm getting a grasp on it. Yesterday was the first time in months where I wanted to go out and do something, so I called my friend and made her come with me to see my "Spiritual Advisor" lol. I'm not a wack job kook, but my SA we'll call him has helped me through a lot a lot a lot in my life. He's just a friend who does tarot readings but he is really accurate.
He told me a TON of stuff that is going on in my life, and some really happy positive things. I'm so glad, because I was just feeling lost a little and it brought some peace of mind.
In Onward and Upward moments, I called STBXH the other night and told him that I will never contact him again, and this is part of my healing. I asked him if he ever loved me, if he cheated, and if he would do anything differently in our relationship would he? He answered me as honestly as he could, not about cheating of course, but then I had my closure. I said "Thank you. I think we don't need each other any more and I will be blocking every way of contact from you." and it was very adult and mature and so out of character for me to do that since he has had SUCH a huge hold over me for 4 and a half years. I am SO proud of myself. I have yet to even really think about him since.
I applied for a second job today. Part time, just for extra income and to pay down some debt. It looks promising and it's something I can do without being exhausted. It's call center collections but it's 23 hours a week and it's choose your days, so I think the extra $800 a month would be worth it just until my bills are chunked down and I could start a savings account.
I have a question that I will post in a different thread.
Other than that, I am feeling good. A little sad still because life is so wacky and moving and changing, and I miss XBF but we will be fine.
Onward and upward 
Re: An update :)
It sounds like you have a really positive perspective. Good for you!
Good luck on the job search.