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What would you think?
I am mostly a lurker and a commenter on posts as of late, but this is my first post here. Everyone here seems to give excellent advice and insight so thanks in advance for any input.
I apologize if this gets long and will try to summarize as much as I can. BF and I have been together about 9 months. His history includes a brief marriage that ended about 7 years ago, followed almost immediately by a 3 yr LTR that ultimately ended because she wanted to get married and he didn't feel ready to take that chance again. It led to arguing and deterioration of the relationship, so he broke up with her and she moved out. This was approximately 3 years ago. Within a few months he began to regret ending the relationship and tried to get her to give him another chance. They went back and forth a bit but she ended up meeting someone else. He was brokenhearted but knew that her boyfriend was a good guy and he wanted her to be happy. She is now recently married to him. BF had been pretty much single since then until we met (some 3-4 month relationships over the years but nothing very serious)
Now, he has a decent friendship with his ex-wife who is remarried with children and still had a friendly if not super-close relationship with ex-gf (let's call her C). When we first started dating, he mentioned that not long before we met, C had been texting him one night when her then FI was away and she had been drinking. It turned into a 2 hour phone call where they kind of rehashed the breakup, and she kept asking him to "come tuck her in" (or something like that). According to him he did not "tuck her in", but he questioned if she was really ready to get married. At the time, him just being a new guy I was dating I didn't think much about it.
A couple of months ago, he mentioned that she had started bartending a couple of nights a week at a pub that his 2 good friends own, that we go to on a regular basis. If he went there on his own and she was working he would mention it to me and tell me that she is looking forward to meeting me, etc. However, I've never been there on a night she's working as of yet.
The other night on Valentine's Day he mentioned that she texted and asked what we were doing, and they talked about their plans. I just thought that was sort of unusual. Then today we were on the phone and he mentioned that she called today to tell him she's pregnant. Ok. I just said wow, that's great for her. Even as I'm typing this out, I feel kind of stupid that I just think it's a little weird. I think if it wasn't for that drunken phone convo a while back I wouldn't even think about it. Just seems like they've been in touch more since she started working at the bar. I have no serious worries about this. I trust him and know he is very serious about our relationship. But what would you think about it based on the background?
You gotta get spanked by a lot of frogs...
Re: What would you think?
Me thinks you need to figure out the question before anyone can help you with the answer
I'm more of a spanker than a bitchslapper. Consider yourself spanked!
Listen closely to your gut. If you have a bad feeling that he's crossed the line, you're probably right.
I agree with this....if you feel something is off, something is probably off. Why does he feel the need to have an ongoing relationship with her? I get being cordial if you cross paths, but exchanging calls/texts/whatever seems a little odd. What's he getting out of that relationship, you know?
I'm probably overly paranoid though since my XH was "just friends" with the OW and it was "no big deal".
It's funny you mention your situation. I've been reading the posts on here a lot lately, and seeing how badly some of posters were deceived has made me a bit more leery of things than I usually am. I probably just need to put on my big girl panties and talk with him about it in a non-accusatory, non-whiny/needy manner.
I'd listen to your gut as well.
Just want to say as well that if you are uncomfortable with the relationship he has with his ex-gf and ex-wife than that is plenty reason to end this relationship and find a man who does not interact with his past loves.
Thanks...what's funny is I've never had a problem with his friendship with the ex-wife, at all. They are just more like old friends, and she wasn't asking him to come tuck her in less than a year ago
That is the crux of what is bothering me for sure, that she seemed to have unresolved feelings prior to getting married. We all know that marriage isn't a cure for anything. I myself am on a friendly basis with my ex-FI, there is NOTHING beyond friendship there and BF trusts that completely. Which is why I want to be able to do the same for him. Maybe I will feel better once she is huge and pregnant 
I think that they have been TOO close THE WHOLE TIME. I'm not getting into weather or not it is ok to have relationships with an Ex or not, but I personally would not want the headache of all this. Why do you want to put yourself through wondering, since it seems like she will always be a factor? I would have moved on already since it doesn't seem like either of them have.
Yes you do. I get the feeling that he "wears the pants" in your relationship and you are afraid to question him about it for fear he may take it the wrong way, get mad at you, etc.
Honestly it sounds very fishy to me. There is absolutely no reason for her to be calling/texting him like this. He might be innocent here because he is being naive about her intentions, but I am 99% sure she wants your man. Hopefully he is clean in all this and she backs off.
No, I feel like an equal and I'm definitely not afraid to communicate with him or confront him if necessary, but no girlfriend wants to look insecure either. Until now, I never thought much of it, because I have friendly interactions with exes as well. It's hard to get to your mid-thirties with a long dating history and cast out every person you've ever been involved with. I guess in my gut I've been leaning toward what you said about her wanting him, but of course I'm always careful not to blame the woman too much. He should know what the line is, even if his intentions are innocent. He is always the person that never wants to be mean to anyone, be it an ex, a coworker or an annoying relative. But thank you, I do appreciate a man's perspective.
This isn't about being "mean" to her. It's about drawing a line. And I can see why this doesn't sit right w/ you. As you said, she's asking him to come "tuck her in" less than a year ago, right before she got married. And now she works at a bar that his 2 friends own?
If nothing else, I think SHE likes feeling "wanted" and as your BF tried to get her back awhile ago, she may think she can still play on that. Depends on how your BF responds/ how far he goes.
So... yeah, talk to him.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
One of the things I STRONGLY believe in when it comes to opposite sex friends - the friend HAS to be a friend to the relationship/marriage. Doesn't mean you and she have to be buddies. This means that she needs to show respect for you, for the fact that he's in a relationship, and she needs to not do questionable things that could hurt the relationship.
If she can't do this- then she isn't a friend to the relationship and therefore, he shouldn't be friends with her. Because it actually shows a total lack of respect for both of you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree completely. I'm sure I'll meet her eventually at the bar, it will be good to have her put a face to my name and vice versa. I'm sure once her babies (yes, twins) arrive she's not going to have any time to think about my BF or anyone else for that matter!
It sounds like in your heart, you don't think he has ever gotten over this woman completely, and that you're kind of a second choice. Whether that's true or not, it's not fun to feel that way. The good news is that there are plenty of men in the world, so it won't be hard to find one who makes you feel like you're #1.
"I put to rest my romantic feelings for her" isn't the same as saying "I don't have romantic feelings for her any more", is it?
That was me paraphrasing, not a direct quote from him. No, I've never worried about being his second choice to her or anyone. If he had wanted to marry her he certainly had his chance. He's said before that he knows now that wanting her back after the breakup was more about feeling lonely after the breakup than them really being right for each other.
Do you completely believe that, though? If you've always felt uneasy about his relationship with her, but not with his ex-wife, then there's something about their dynamic that's off. And since you've never even met her, it's not from her end. Whether it's something little about the look on his face or his phrasing when he talks about her, or what, you know something's off. In your heart, you know it. And to be honest, I'm not the least bit reassured that his response to you feeling uneasy wasn't to rethink the "friendship".
I don't want to be alarmist, or harp on you, but I've been burned by this sort of thing before, too. Not as badly as other people on here, of course, but more of a death by a thousand cuts way, always living with that uneasiness and secretly resenting it. It seems like a small thing at first, but... it builds.
is this not blatantly obvious?
This is the start of an inappropriate relationship or an affair waiting to happen.
Yeah, he's being honest and upfront with you. I think it's fair to assume, for now, it's genuine.
But if he doesn't cut this woman out of his life and cut off all contact AND establish some real boundaries...see above.
And really...9 months in...a BF...are these the type of issues you really want to be putting up with? Only you can answer that.