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Discuss online dating -stating "divorced"
In talking to a guy friend yesterday who's also 30 and divorced. We were talking about online dating and being divorced. He said that he put "never married" in his profile and also "divorced" and said he felt like putting "divorced" branded him like the Scarlett Letter. He thinks girls just write him off if they see "divorced" immedately. He doesn't mind talking about his past at all, but feels that it's better to talk about vs. just being "branded". He said when he had the "never married" state in his profile, he would bring up that he'd previously been married once he established that he wanted to talk/see, he'd bring it up early on. I almost wonder if that's false advertising?
Since I've been married myself, I don't really look at it as being "branded" a bad thing, but I'm curious the perception of girls...maybe it's different girls vs. guys? I told him personally, I don't write off divorced people at all, because it shows that at one point, they were ready to commit, wanted to settle down, etc (of course, this is a generalized statement), and I'd much rather want a relationship with someone that CAN commit vs. someone that hasn't had a serious relationship. Of course, I'd need to know the details behind the divorce, etc because that's what's important.
So ladies (and single lurkers, if you're out there), what are your thoughts. You see a profile of a relatively young guy "divorced". No kids. What are your thoughts?
Re: Discuss online dating -stating "divorced"
This. Plus some people really have a problem dating divorced people, so I would rather put it on my profile and have it "out there" so I dont have to worry about people 'not" being okay with it
This...I like having it out there so it's alreayd out int he open and if they have a problem with it, they can look elsewhere.
I really didn't like this about eHarmony (not being able to state that you've been married as one of your "about me" kind of choices (i.e. height, job, etc.) I hated not knowing when to put it out there (OK, not date #1, but when on date #2. Heck, I went on 3 dates with the guy and he STLL didn't know I was divorced, mostly because we didn't ever get into anything deep conversation wise, which perhaps is why we only made it to #3.
I know their theory is that it's "supposed to be a conversation you have" but really I think that's crap, eHarm..
this reminds me of the SITC episode when Carrie met Aiden...
Honesty is the best way to go. Sure, there will be people out there who judge those who are divorced and write them off instantly but there is nothing we can do about it as people are people. It just means that person is not right for him or her.
I think it is hard for "some" divorced people to not take it personally, especially when the divorce was not mutual and they had high expectations of wanting things to work out. The guy is either trying to expand his search options or he still needs to find his inner confidence and accept his status for who he is. I wouldn't quite write the guy off for not being blunt about his status but it is definitely something to observe more closely. (Just make sure he does not have the same responses to other matters besides divorce)
I remember a lot of people were shocked and upset with my divorce. That reaction from people made me "gun shy" about disclosing my status. It wasn't until I spoke with a counselor on my fears of disclosing my status that I gained my confidence and not worry about what others say.
Eh, I had reservations for putting divorced on my online dating profile as well. I DO think some people judge you for being divorced and may shy away from wanting to date you. Don't get me wrong, I still put divorced on my profile but I actually had some guys right off the bat want to know why. Needless to say I didn't date them, but it didn't stop them from judging me.
I was open to dating guys that listed being divorced but I think that I more open because I am divorced too, KWIM?
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I agree, so it biased me in the conversation a little. So where are our single-never been married-dating online lurkers? I want their thoughts. Do they judge?
I'm in the camp that thinks that it's not a bad thing that someone was divorced because it shows commitment. At a certain age, I start to wonder why people haven't been in long term relationships. On POF, they make you list how long your longest relationship was and I won't talk to someone if they're over 35 and only dated someone for a year or less. That's just weird to me.
I've had people judge me and ask right away why I'm divorced online and I ignore those people. I would not put "never married" because you're lying to someone off the bat. However, I do think men have a more difficult time than women. I've never encountered a man on a date who had a problem with the fact that I was divorced but I feel like women care more. Maybe because those who haven't been married think they might not get a big wedding, who knows, but there definitely seems to be a double standard.
I KNOW some guys judged me for being divorced. Obviously some did not as they messaged me anyway!
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
I am single and never married, and currently doing the online dating thing. I do have a kid, but I'm not divorced and I have no bias against divorced men. Even before I had DD, my theory was that when you approach or get to your 30s you're going to encounter quite a few people who are divorced (DD's dad was divorced). If you're not open to dating them, you're really limiting the pool of people to choose from.
Now if the guy is divorced and admits that he beat his ex-wife or cheated on her, or something equally bad, that would be a different story. No way would I touch that. The only other scenario about a divorced man that would scare me off would be if he was very recently divorced.
I'm in the "single never been married" camp. I personally never minded if a profile said divorced, but I wouldn't have appreciated them listing "never married" and then later telling me otherwise. I also wouldn't like someone lying about their age or having kids. Early deception is not cool with me. If I were divorced and someone judged me on that, it isn't the kind of person I would want to be with anyway. Any intelligent person realizes that sometimes (a LOT of times), marriages just don't work out and doesn't mean you are damaged.
My current BF is divorced and to be honest, at my age (36) I was starting to kind of give the side eye to men around my age or older who had never been married. Yes I realize of course that's me doing some "branding" of my own, but it's been my experience that there is usually a reason WHY (committment issues etc.). So when I met him and he was 35 and divorced I was relieved to be honest.
This is an interesting point...but I can totally see it being true. I've actually wondered this, as I'd like to get remarried and I'd prefer not to have a big wedding (I'd prefer a very small destination wedding). That's not usually much of an issue for guys, but if the guy I was going to marry wanted a bigger wedding because it was his first and he wanted all of his family and friends there, I'd really need to compromise. I can see some girls going "but I want a big wedding! And he won't want one!" but whyyyy would they want to get into that?
But, it's an interesting point regardless.
I would be worried that they hadn't dealt with any issues from their divorce, but of course, I would date someone who was divorced.
I do think you can get "branded" by some people, but seriously, screw them.
That being said, if he's one of those who tells me all about why his X was crazy/why it was all her fault within the first 6 hours of contact, I'd drop him like hot garbage. I learned a hell of a lot from my marriage but I don't share it with my dates.
Ugh, Do you find it horribly offensive when people bluntly ask that right away?
I bristle when someone just blurts out "So, what did you do to him to make him leave, ha..." (sooo goddamn funny)
Haha, I agree! I asked the rabbi giving us a religious divorce whether they can put XH on a "no marry" list. I was his second wife and third fiancee!
Someone seriously needs to create one of these! Ex's ex-wife and I (yes, we're actually friends now) were discussing how we wish we could warn any future women about Ex.
K actually had in his profile that he was never married, but it came out on date three that he had been married (sordid story about being "forced" into a wedding by the church 4 years ago, separated 2 months later, divorced 6 months later). I was shocked, but given his history, I understood...or at least I'm working on understanding.
In re: the general topic, I've noticed A LOT of profiles on Match among males 35+that indicate that they're looking for "never married." I know I give that the serious side-eye, for a lot of the reasons mentioned in this post. If you're 35+, and I'm in my early 30's, I'm going to seriously wonder why you're expecting me to never have been married, and I'm going to seriously wonder why you've never been in a serious, long-term relationship (or why, if you have, you'd look down on me for having been in one).
"You don't get to be all puke-face about your kid shooting your undead baby daddy when all you had to do was KEEP HIM IN THE FLUCKING HOUSE, LORI!" - doctorwho
I think a divorced guy can be a better find than a guy that's never been married! Obviously a divorced guy knows how to make a commitment...you just have to eventually try to find out what caused the divorce (not right away).
I give a huge side-eye to people who put down that they were never married when they are really divorced. If they'll lie about that, what else will they lie about? And I don't buy the whole scarlett letter thing. Divorce doesn't have the stigma it used to nowadays.
I'm in the "never divorced" camp; I'm not "single" (engaged) but did do the online dating thing when I was single.
I personally don't (didn't?) have an issue with men who are divorced. I think the guy should put "divorced" on his profile because the people who are going to have an issue with it are going to have an issue with it whether he tells them right off the bat (in his profile) or 3 dates down the road (when they might be more upset & feel betrayed/lied to). Also, would he really want to date someone who would prejudge like that? I'd consider it their issue & their loss, not his.
Just my $0.02. ;-)
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