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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
how would you take this?
How would you take this, in an email from my MIL to my SIL, which MIL accidentally forwarded to DH:
"Have you heard from [BIL, who recently had a baby with his fiancee] recently. I do worry about them. We had a lovely day in Oxford with them yesterday [FSIL] is so laid back and carefree the complete opposite to [Welshgirl], and Isabelle just feeds and sleeps."
Mum to W (4) and M (nearly 2)
Re: how would you take this?
Um, not very well?
Really though, I think it would hurt my feelings, even though I place very little value on my MIL's opinions. No one likes to know that people are talking critically about them behind their back, you know? Sorry this has happened. x
I dont understand why she wrote she is worried about them but then goes on to say she had a lovely day with them.
I think it really sucks that they would talk about you behind your back. I also have had some bad experiences in the past with my MIL. It sucks because I would love to have a great relationship with them (It is getting better) especially since I am here alone. I just think that I dont always have the greatest opinion about my in-laws so I guess it is natural that there are times when they dont like me.
I think it would depend on my relationship with my mil. If she was really nice to my face and I never knew she had or could have an issue with me, then I'd be pi$$ed off and hurt.
If I didn't like my mil and we had a rocky relationship, I couldn't care less.
Argh. It's hard because I can't tell if it's outright criticism or just a comparison of parenting styles.
For the record, FSIL is 20, and BIL is 28 but essentially 20 in attitude. They live ina tiny flat, neither of them clean, and are both so laid back they're nearly horizontal. AND they have both of their parents doing the washing, cleaning and food prep for them, so it helps you relax, you know?
I on the other hand am apparently uptight and the evil DIL.
I think it hurts because I thought we had a good relationship, and she thinks I'm a good mum. But apparently she thinks I need to relax? Sigh. I hate that it's made me defensive.
I wouldn't take that too well, but perhaps FSIL's laid back attitude will catch up with her soon enough. I would try not to be too hurt by the comments. Your situations are so different.
My MIL compared me to her daughter/ my SIL and said some people don't make good SAHMs. She thinks her daughter needs to work outside the home because all she does is yell at her children all day. That's my MILs opinion. The truth of the matter is SIL is dealing with a very headstrong little boy who doesn't have any other outlets or friends. I don't think its a fair comparsion at all. I have one little boy who is 15 months. Its much different than my SIL who has two kids (6 yo and 3 yo). Its all in her perspective. I bet when MIL comes in August to help with the arrival of the new baby, she'll think all I do is yell at my kid all day long too.
Eh, I don't think I'd worry about it too much. I think it was just a comparison between the two of you. From your description, compared to your SIL, you probably do seem a little uptight, though I don't know that I would necessarily take that as a criticism. I mean, as a parent you SHOULD be a little uptight, right?
If you're really worried about it, then your husband should talk to his mother and let her know she sent the email to him by mistake, then ask her what she meant by her comment. Expect some backpedaling, but maybe it could at least open up a dialog to help you all understand each other better.
I would be upset and ditto Avion, I would have DH say something. That is not right, everyone is different.
I would try not to let it upset me, but I know that is easier said than done!
Thanks ladies. I know I shouldn't be upset, really, and honestly, confronting her wont' help. (It's not that she said something behind my back, as such, more that she seems to dislike me or disapproves of my parenting.)
Totally stupid, really.
I'm trying to take it as just a comparison, and that both FSIL and I have pluses and minuses to our parenting.
Ouch. Lots of ouch. It would hurt me.
That being said, you really should try if you can to not take it as personally as it feels. People have different styles. Babies have different tempraments. That she prefers one parenting style/strategy/whatever over antoher is normal, that she said it is hurtful, that you found out is the worst.
Lucky for her you are such a peaceful person. My MIL probably would have gotten a rather profane reply from me.
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I'd be hurt. Even if she has an opinion and a preference on how a baby should be, it wasn't kind to compare you two. That sentence should have stopped at "we had a lovely day with them".
BFP Apr 2012, EDD Dec 19 2012 * twin h/b at 6wk, 9wk scan * Baby A lost at 12wks, Baby B was my rainbow born at 36wks
When I first read it, I thought she was criticizing you. But, then when you explained how you and FSIL are different and then I reread it, I don't think that anymore. I agree with PittPurple. It's seems like more of a criticism of FSIL.
I'm sorry she said that. I would hurt my feelings a bit.
That said, she sounds like my mother (who I love very much, but who can drive me nuts) in that she's all backhanded-- I worry (implying FSIL and BIL have drama) but then tries to sunny it up with a 'but I had a swell visit'.
I guess I don't see it as her trying to be critical of you, so much as soften her negative comment (I worry) about FSIL/BIL.
Regardless, it's got an annoying edge. I really hate people who constantly compare, even if they don't mean anything (one of my mother's most irritating traits).
I'm on team PittPurple - she called your FSIL laidback and CAREFREE in her parenting style. Sounds to me like she thinks FSIL is not on the ball when it comes to taking care of her kid.