Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Vent + Advice...
Yesterday my H came home at about 8:30pm. I was under the assumption he was working late... which he does A LOT. He said he had a "surprise" for me.
Turns out he took the day off and decided to spend the morning with a friend looking around at the area dealerships for a new truck. (This same friend picked up a brand new truck 2 days ago.) Since our credit is mediocre at best, it turns out he spent the second half of the day on the phone with his mother while she went to the dealership that she just got a new car from. She worked it out as his co-signer to get him a 2001 Tacoma for $250/month for 48 months. So I get all this crap dumped on me at once while I was winding down for the night after I put the kid to bed. (Not to mention, he brought the friend with him so I had to hold my tongue, which I think he did on purpose.)
My problem is mostly that we can't afford another damn car payment. I'm into the last year of paying off my VW finally and I was SO READY not to have to stress about it. Granted, he had an older car and it wasn't ideal for his line of work as a painter but it got from A to B and as far as I was concerned we were good to go and could address it when I got my car paid off.
My other and potentially bigger problem is that he NEVER SAID A WORD TO ME. I tried calling him a couple times throughout the day and all he did was text me to say that he was busy. I assumed he was working. I knew nothing of any of this car business until he got home. Am I right to be angry? He thinks that he didn't need to say anything because he didn't think it would work out so it wouldn't be a big deal. I'm of the opinion that if he's going to keep such a huge decision from me until the papers are signed, then we have a BIG problem. He never breathed a word about doing any of it. Frankly, I'm pissed and feel like a huge trust line has been crossed. I'm to the point where I'm afraid we made a mistake in November...
Life is a gift. Be Happy.
Re: Vent + Advice...
Life is a gift. Be Happy.
I would be IRATE. Making a purchase that large is 100% a joint decision that needs to be discussed beforehand. Not to mention I'd absolutely hate for my MIL to be involved in our finances in that way.
As for your concern about "making a mistake," this is very much a "single" way of going about things and I think you have every right to feel like he crossed a line. I won't go as far as saying that you made a mistake but this is definitely a red flag and I do think you need to have a LONG discussion about what being married means and how you are going to go forward in the future when it comes to financial decisions. I think the key is making it clear how you feel about this, and how it is not okay, and then his reaction to said discussion. If he doesn't take your concerns seriously, then I would be worried about what precedent this is setting for your marriage.
ETA: for clarity
I'm having a hard time finding words to describe how incredibly livid I would be. So many questions...
Is this the first time something like this has happened? Or do you usually make big (especially financial) decisions together? Do you have a budget that you are both involved in? Does he involve his mother (or a friend? wtf?) in your business often? Does he understand the severity of the situation and what he just did?
I'm so so sorry. I still can't think of how to put into sentences how angry, betrayed, and disappointed I would be. Personally this would be a very, very serious situation that I would have to think about.
Yes, this is the first time something like this has happened... normally we make all big decisons together, ESPECIALLY financial ones. We were together for almost 5 years before we actually got married. The budgeting has been a continual work in progress because he doesn't have a set payscale like I do because he's a painter so he gets paid per job. He goes to his mom for advice but not to do things like this behind my back. Her and I get along very well. I do not think he understands the severity of the situation or my current level of negative feelings. I don't know if our supposed mutual friend egged the whole situation on or if he really just is that stupid. He's mad at me because I'm mad and thinks that I'm just trying to "control" everything and blah blah fricken blah.
Life is a gift. Be Happy.
I'm so sorry. That is absolutely 100% unacceptable! That is a huge financial decision that obligates your family to $12,000 dollars over the next 4 years. No way is that ever a one person decision. Holy Cow. I hope you can find a way to get through to him so he understands this.
My Ovulation Chart
Okay, first of all, you have every right to be beyond angry. It is not OK by any means. I can see him wanting to do some research into whether he would be approved etc before broaching the topic (I'd still rather be involved before this, but I wouldn't necessarily be seeing red), but not even a phonecall before signing papers?! Um, no. no. no.
You said that the budgeting is still a work in progress. Did you have combined finances before you married? Honestly, the fact that he has fluctuating/unsteady income makes it even LESS justifiable that he would take this step without contacting you, as you would conceivably be responsible for some of these payments without his income to support that.
At very least, for me this would warrant a loooooooooooooooooong talk to figure out whether this was a case of him not thinking about what he was doing, which needs to be rectified PRONTO if you expect to have a life together.. or if he didn't tell you and went ahead with it because he thought you might disapprove... in which case I think I'd probably make him sell it.
Life is a gift. Be Happy.
I'm only throwing this out there because you asked for advice, but I would NOT do this. IMO this needs to be between you and your husband. Going with his mother to purchase a vehicle (and having her cosign a loan!) is a huge betrayal of your trust in HIM. Bringing his mother further into a situation where you're upset that he made a significant purchase with her instead of you would just fuel the fire IMO. Trying to explain to him why this hurts you after you call his mother would be a contradiction to me.
When looking at the situation and pinpointing why you're upset, I would put the friend and MIL aside. This is about the two of you, your finances, your trust, your marriage. Your husband is a grown man and wasn't forced at gunpoint to do anything. Excusing him by placing any blame on MIL or the friend is giving him too much credit IMO.
The dreaded THIS. SO this. The conversation needs to remain between the two of you. If she didn't know, she'll find out at some point and he'll have to deal with the consequences. If she did know, calling her will just cause more drama. And as for the friend, it may very well be the case that this person is trying to cause a rift between you and your DH, and bringing said person up in the conversation and putting blame on them will only make that situation worse. Trust me, I am well aware how friends and family can cause drama, but that still doesn't excuse his decision. Your H needs to be held accountable for his actions. Plain and simple.
Also, you say you were clear, but it sounds to me like there hasn't really been a conversation up to this point. Understandably you didn't want to talk about it in front of the friend and/or your child, but this conversation needs to happen tonight. It needs to go beyond just "I'm mad so I'm going to give you the cold shoulder." You need to sit down and have a long talk about why you're upset, how betrayed you are feeling, etc. If I'm mistaken and this has already happened then nevermind, but that's not the impression I get from your response.
Aren't you glad you decided to join us? Now you get all kinds of fun opinions. Seriously though, keep your head up and don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.
Life is a gift. Be Happy.
If I can offer one more piece of advice, I'd suggest coming up with a plan of action before going into this discussion with him. Take some time to figure out exactly why you're upset. Personally, I would write down for a list of reasons why I'm upset. Then from there, I would come up with solutions for those problems and what you and he can do in the future so it doesn't happen again.
I've found it's not ideal for me to go to into one of these "meetings" with H when I'm upset and a blubbery mess just crying "Fix this!" lol. I'm so guilty of this, but I try to remember that it's just not productive for me to be passive and just hope he comes up with the solution that will work in the future. We accomplish more and are more successful if we have at least a casual agenda with problems to address as well as the start to possible solutions.
Best of luck to you in working through this!
ETA: I just read and realized how anal and controlling I sound. I would say I'm not IRL... but I am.
LOL @ LB's wilted flower.
I've learned that, as cheesy as it may seem, using things I've seen on TV shrink shows (we're talking like Private Practice, LOL) actually can go a long way. My DH is like yours in that he tends to react to my anger and get mad at me because I am mad at him. And then he is closed off to further discussion. So I have learned from experience that it is SURPRISINGLY helpful to say "When you ___, I felt ___". It was amazing to me that the difference between "You never even thought about how that would affect me. I am SO angry right now." (-->shut down) and "When you did suchandsuch, I felt upset because you didn't think about how it would affect me" (--> conversation). It sounds the same when I'm saying it, but for DH, hearing it evokes a completely different response.
IDK if that helps you in the least, but it sounded like YH might have some of the same defensive reactions that DH had a while ago, so I figured I'd toss it out there. It was a struggle for me to maintain calm when I had justifiable reason to be angry, but being loud/angry in my tone didn't actually accomplish anything for us since he's NOT a confrontational person (well, not with me anyway. lol).
I really like LB's idea of having ideas of how to fix issues. I will be adding that one to my playbook. lol
I agree with PP on all points. This was a HUUUUUUGGGGGEEE issue with XH and I. As a matter of fact, just three months before I left him I found out about a 34' boat he bought (in cash) 6 months before that I never knew about. He always hid cash from me and that was the last straw for me (some of you may remember that fiasco).
All I can hope for in your case is that the marriage is still new and maybe getting used to the "we" mentality versus the "I" mentality. I would just be on high alert for similar behavior in the future.
In the meantime, you need to have a big sit down with him and lay it all on the line. Because this is, in no way, ok. And if he doesnt believe you tell him we will come kick his a$$.