My latest therapy session...

Yesterday was my third session, and we set up my "treatment plan." Ha. I thought I was just going up there to muster up the nerve to leave my husband, but it's amazing what you can unearth when you start looking inside yourself.

Anyway, I am still here in the house with my H, and I am still emotionally checked out and planning to leave, but I still have not developed the balls to do so. I feel like I am totally stagnated, but my therapist tells me that I am making progress based on what I am telling her, so I guess I am doing some work toward eventually making the big step. There are times that I definitely think it would be easier just to stay in a loveless marriage with someone who cheated on me, but I know that is not being true to what I deserve out of life, so that is not my long term plan.

She asked me what I was going to do to make sure I didn't repeat current behaviors in my next relationship, and this kind of shut me down a bit, and I told her that was literally the absolute last thing I was thinking about. One of the things I love about her is that she dropped that line of conversation immediately and moved on to something else. There might be a point that I am thinking about my next relationship, but this is not the time at all. We also talked a bit about how I 100% don't feel that I know myself at all, which is really sad, I think. I just feel like I used to know who I was, and I have lost myself in my marriage (which is where her line of questioning about how I would change this in my next relationship came from), so part of our goal is for me to rediscover who I really am.

Fortuitously, I went for this session the day after Valentine's Day, which was nice timing because that was sort of a hard day. My H asked me in the morning if I wanted to go out to dinner, and of course I did not want to. When I got home from spending the day with a friend, he had gotten me a bouquet of flowers and a card. I didn't read the card until after I left the house to go to my Weight Watchers meeting, but he basically said that he was sorry he had ruined for me this year what Valentine's Day was supposed to stand for and said that he thought I was an amazing person and that one day I would be able to celebrate Valentine's Day for what it is supposed to be again. You will notice he didn't say that he hoped "we" would be able to celebrate, which was interesting. However, I have no way of knowing if he is being (A) sincere or (B) manipulative, so those were just words.

This was my last free session through my EAP, but I do have four additional sessions scheduled already. I had two scheduled already, and at the end of this session, she asked if I planned to continue, and I told her that I had two more sessions scheduled, and she asked if I thought I would be done after those two. I wanted to say, "Lady, you should get used to me because once we figure this stuff out, I have a whole other load of issues to tackle." Anyway, she recommended I schedule a few more, which I did. Apparently, she has a four-month waiting list for new clients, so I am feeling very fortunate that I chanced into her through the EAP! The nice thing is that my co-pay is only $15, which is more than do-able for me!

Anyhoo, that is just a bit about what is going on with me. Hope y'all are having a good week! 

ETA - Good God, that's a lot of words. Sorry! Thanks for reading if you made it this far!