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Very irrational thoughts - please talk some sense into me
Ok, I'd like to preface this by saying that I KNOW I'm being irrational and petty, but I just want to vent a little. Please be gentle with your comments.
DH and I are pregnant with our first child. He/she will be the first grandchild on both sides of the family and needless to say, everyone is very excited. I'm about 5 months along and have gotten a lot of questions from relatives on what they can get us, whether I've set up a registry etc. The only exception is my ILs. They have not once asked if we need anything for the baby - and it's not like the topic hasn't come up. We see them for brunch almost every weekend and we've been telling them about all the baby stuff that we are looking into and have purchased. Just once, I'd like them to say "oh is there anything we can get you?" DH and I are very financially stable and do not need anyone to buy us anything, but it does bother me that my ILs haven't expressed the faintest interest in getting their first grandchild something.
My rational mind tells me that it's still so early, they may decide to get us something later - but I'm also worried that this would be a re-play of our wedding again. To give more background - DH and I paid for our wedding and the ILs didn't get us a present and actually asked DH to pay them back for gas money spent driving the 5 hours to my home town for the wedding. Anyways, I was (secretly) quite upset over that, but did get over it and now we have a pretty good relationship, so I don't want this latest thing to be something I'd irrationally hold a grudge over again.
Oh and before anyone offers up the financial hardship possbility - my ILs are very well-off.
Of course I haven't said anything to DH and am never going to, but again, it just bothers me a little....ok....maybe a lot.
Re: Very irrational thoughts - please talk some sense into me
Are your ILs generally selfish? Something tells me yes, based on the wedding request. Yikes.
Wait it out- MIL will send something for your shower, and I am sure things will start arriving once baby is born. Then there will be baptism gift (if applicable), all the birthday gifts, xmas gifts, and my own MIL (who didn't get anything special for DS upon birth) sends all kinds of little packages with Red Sox gear, hats, clothes, books, etc throughout the past year.
Hang in there- you're emotional so everything feels way more dramatic than it really is! It will pass and if they really don't get your baby anything, try to think of their involvement in his/her life as a very precious gift. Try not to focus on the material value of what they can give to baby!
I get where you're coming from. But you have to work with who they are, not who you want them to be.
It's not easy - trust me. I have many frustrations about my IL's, as does my DH! I KNOW I shouldnt' let certain things upset me, but they still do sometimes. But other times... I actually do go into a situations being 100% realistic. Like I KNEW my MIL would bail on coming to my baby shower at the last minute. And she did. People around me were incredulous and couldn't believe she'd bail. But it didnt' bother me - I knew she would do it, I planned for it, and then she did it. Eh, whatever. I focused on the people who were there for me and simply didn't let her upset me.
You've got to find a way to start working w/ who they are, and actually to what I just said - focus on those who are there for you and happy for you. Take that in and enjoy it, and just dont' give your IL's so much power to upset you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Well based on their history, they probably won't get you anything for the baby. That is just he reality of the situation. They are cheapskates. What can you do ?
I understand being upset, but you should try to prepare youself for that fact that they won't get you much, if anything at all. It sucks and and is sad, but it is what it is.
i dont think they're irrational thoughts at all-IF you were talking about a normal couple. clearly though-as they asked your DH for gas $ to the wedding they're not a normal couple. expect nothing from them. that's just based on past experiences.
DH was surprised and hurt with the request for gas money, but DH is very easy going and has the most forgiving spirit and I think he put it out of his mind quickly. To put it in perspective, I don?t think my ILs were very happy about the wedding/marriage initially, but I had really thought that we have gone a long way in improving our relationship since then. What makes it more difficult is that they aren?t cheapskates. They give to charity quite generously and are VERY generous when it comes to DH?s older brother, and was quite generous with DH before we got married. That used to bother me a lot too as it seemed like ?I? was the one factor that changed that dynamic. But over the years, I have learned and accepted the fact that they aren?t big ?gift-givers? when it comes to DH and I and have tried VERY hard to not take it personally; to the point where I can honestly say that I was perfectly fine with it and would never expect them to give us anything. I guess I just expected something different on this particular instance because it?s the baby and the first grandchild.
Love and interest isn't shown in money. They don't seem like the type to be very generous with money and that won't change. Forget it. They can still love the child and be excited to meet him or her.
Let it go because it's unlikely that people who aren't giving with money are going to suddenly change. If you are financially stable and you can afford what you want then I would wonder why you wany or expect them to spend their money on your baby.
I am sorry about the way they acted near your wedding. That would have been hurtful.
Try to let it go and maybe their excitement will show in different ways. (and if not, it`s still such an amazing time, you deserve to be happy!)
Seriously...register and send the link to them!!! I would have too much passive agressive fun with this...don't expect anything but have fun with it!
Don't forget when you are out shopping to buy lots of grandma/grandpa stuff...for you parents!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10