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Moving in with him...and roommates...
About a year ago, my love and I moved across the country. We hadn't been dating even a year, but we wanted to be on our own. We knew finances would be a little tighter than we would have liked, but, we took the risk, moved to a more affordable area (across the country) and made it! We found a cute little apartment of our own. Already excited to be in a new state, this was also a new adventure for us. Neither one of us had ever lived with a significant other before, nevertheless each other. Fast forwarding a few month, everything between us is great! It feels like having a sleepover with my best friend every single day! Fast forward towards the end of the year. Things are still amazing between us, however, money isn't flowing the way we were planning. We knew the first year would be the hardest, but this was getting bad. I had been going job to job to get a significant amount on money to pay the bills, and my love had been applying for numerous promotions. Finally, I got a job that worked, and he got his promotion. However, we still couldn't afford where we were living any longer.
So, this brings me to my point:
We are now living with one of our friends and his two roommates. Granted, the house is a decent size, 4 bedroom and 2.5 bathrooms. It is saving us so much money! But, to be honest, I don't like this situation. We put together a budget so we can save, however, the budget includes us living there for a year to a year and half. How do I make sure we don't lose each other? How do I keep the romance alive? Our roommates are great, nice people, but they always want to hang out or having parties, and we are past that stage in our lives. Some days, we just want to snuggle up on the couch and watch a sappy movie, or make dinner just for the two of us. With our roommates always around, and us trying not to make them mad, it seems these 'common areas' are more common than anticipated. Unfortunately, our room is too small to have our on TV or table in it. I don't know what particular question I am asking for answers on, but I guess I just need help with this transition. We don't have a lot of money, so having weekend getaways is out of the question. We have tried talking to our roommates and they just make fun of us and say we are too lovey dovey (they are all single). Help! I am getting frustrated and I don't want to take it out on him.
Help!
Re: Moving in with him...and roommates...
how old are you both?
"money isn't flowing the way we were planning. We knew the first year would be the hardest, but this was getting bad." LOL things RARELY work out the way you plan. that's life. and the first year of MARRIAGE is the hardest, not cohabitating. you're not married. you're boyfriend and girlfriend.
have one or both of you considered a 2nd part-time job? if you really want to move out that badly that's your option. or win the lottery. or move elsewhere where you can afford the rent on your own. or jsut suck it up for a year. a year isn't a long time. what did you expect?you'd move in with a bunch of other people and have the house to yourself? and the common room is more common than you thought it would be? what did you expect? I think you both had some kind of fantasy in your heads about money and the roommates and i think now you're disappointed. if you want to move out and you can't afford it-find a way to make more money.
You don't call him "my love" in real life right?
I don't know what you would have said when you talked to your roommates. When you live with other people you can't kick them out of the common area, you have to be the one to leave if you want solo time together, or step into the privacy of your own room.
as for options:
- Both or one of you could get a 2nd part time job in order to try to move sooner.
- Go out for walks for some alone time, eat dinner outside when the weather is nice (take it to a park if the roommates are all over the backyard), visit friends (other couples).
- Check out some basement apartments that are for rent. These are generally popular near colleges and are generally much cheaper than a regular apartment. Mind you it won't be amazing but it could be a good transition/save some money place.
- How old are you?
I genuinely don't understand how you expected, in house w/ 5 adults, that the common areas wouldn't be pretty much always "common".
What does "hanging out" and being "past that stage" mean? You expect grown adults to hole up in their rooms in the evening hours or on the weekends?
I'd love to know how old you are and far from 'that stage' in life you really are.
Quite honestly, it sounds like you're trying to act older than you really are, and in turn are behaving how you think "grown ups" behave instead of just being true to yourselves.
And this isn't even speaking to the financial aspect of this and how woefully unprepared you sound. Which again begs the question of how old are you....
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Get a cheap TV or big computer monitor and watch sappy movies in your room.
How to stay connected? Easy. Laugh about this time in your lives. This is an awesome period for the two of you. You are struggling and scraping *together*. View this as a romantic adventure. Make a game of how far you can stretch a dollar. Have lots of sex -- it's cheap! Look for free nights at the museum, free buffets at local bars, gallery openings with cheese cubes!
This will be a period that you look back on fondly, but only if you embrace it positively. If you let the stress and disappointment get to you, it will taint your lives and your relationship
It is so romantic isn't it? You and your love, soul mate, true love...struggling because you had a fantasy of how you were going to have this happy amazing romantic apartment. Wow...the reality hits. The real world gets you every time.
My advice...grow up before you make believe you are grown ups.
I think the 2 of you need to move out, even if it's a garden apartment with one bedroom.
You said you took a risk by moving away together with tight finances. Obviously the risk didn't pay off like you were hoping it would. Life is tough.
The lesson ... either plan ahead better for next time, or learn to deal with the consequences better. Learn that dreams and wishes won't get you by in life, and that you can only control your own behavior and not your roommates' or anyone else's. Especially when it's not your house and you're receiving a huge favor by being allowed to live there.
For now, you can only work hard, save every penny and make the best of this situation. Learn from your mistakes do that you don't repeat them. Bear down and get through this stage of your life, so that you can enjoy the rest of it.
actually they don't sound so young to me...
anyways, I think you can acknowledge it's less than ideal, make the best of it, and make plans to get out of it asap....what doesn't break you only makes you stronger and working on this goal together will be enriching, always good to dream about something
I'm wondering what kinds of jobs the two of you have if combining your incomes doesn't afford you even a studio apartment somewhere. Especially since you say you moved somewhere with a low cost of living.
Yeah - the downside of living with roommates is that, well, you live with roommates........people who also live in the house and use the kitchen, bathroom, common space, TV, etc. What on earth did you expect when you signed on to live with roommates?
This is exactly what I was thinking. It seems odd that two employed adults cannot afford a one bedroom apartment in a low cost of living area.
OP, as for your original question. How do you keep a strong relationship? Well, you work hard to improve your situation. What kind of educations do you have? It doesn't sound like your current career fields are conducive to financial stability. Maybe one of you should consider going to school for something to advance a career. Take walks together, find other free activities, see if your roommates would be down with a "date night" where you and your BF get the living room alone on a Friday night (you all sound young, so it doesn't seem like going out would be a huge deal for them).
But really, my best advice would be to improve your financial situation. Relationships can be hard work, even when you don't have external obstacles like inability to pay the bills or afford housing for yourself. Adding those other stressors can kill a relationship.
If you are in your late teens or early 20's, then I think you're basically doing what you should be doing. You're living like a college student, scraping by, and having an adventure.
My husband and I are in our 40's. We have a nice home, 2 great kids, stable jobs, and money in the bank. Life is good. But we both look back fondly on the time in our lives when we were doing what you're doing now. Sure, you'll have money problems and roommate problems - that's part of the territory just like PTA meetings, roof repairs, and daycare provider issues are part of my territory.
The only thing I'd recommend is to lighten up a bit on the "we're so OVER all this single-people stuff." Don't forget that you need to keep growing as individuals WHILE you're growing as a couple. Lighten up and enjoy being a couple in the midst of other people your age, whether those people be couples or singles.
you haven't given a lot of info about where you live and or your financial situation but if you both have jobs you should be able to afford the rent for a place on your own.
Look around and see what options are out there. Even a much smaller apartment that you guys have all to your own would be better.
Maybe there is another shared home someplace where you can get a big bed room that you can set up with a tv and a place to sit and eat alone.