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I guess its really over, no wedding after all
After nine years of dating and a year of being engaged, its now over. I'm going to have to get used to not having him in my life anymore. Everything is going to be so different. I guess I'm just dealing with moving on with my life and the uncertainty of what lies ahead. This is just weird how one day you realize that its better for both of you to end things than to actually get married after trying to make it work for so long and being comfortable having that other person around.
Last night I barely got any sleep because it just it me that its over and I'm losing someone I love. But deep down inside, I do think its for the best. The past months, I kept having a gut feeling that getting married wasn't the right thing to do. I kept having all these doubts that I just tried to deal with. Is it normal to have all this doubts? Even though I love this guy very much, this relationship is so hurtful to me. Maybe because we both have different ways of seeing things.
I just don't think he considers my feelings. He tells me things that are supposed to be "constructive criticism" but hurt. He doesn't see anything wrong with it because we are supposed to be open with each other. But it makes me feel like I'm not appreciated when its mostly criticism I get. How can I spend my life like this? Its always been like this, I just thought maybe things would change if we worked at it. Even though he believes its ok to criticize each other, I couldn't bring myself to hurt him. I loved him for who he is. But now its time to move on.
In a way I am excited for the great opportunities in my life, being happy, and not live in doubt anymore. I know this is not the kind of relationship I wanted, even though I think he is a really good person. At the same time just can't believe its over just like that. Do you have any advice if you have gone through the same thing? Have you ever kept having doubts?
Re: I guess its really over, no wedding after all
I'm sorry. What happened?
*pulls up a chair and gets the tea brewing*
:Hot Cocoa for me please:
Even when a relationship is not a good one, it still hurts to lose it; especially if it's been as long as yours. I think that's part of the reason so many women stay in the bad ones. Kudos to you for having the strength, to get out. You're right a relationship is not supposed to be "hurtful". Openness in a relationship is a good thing, but you should also take the time to build each other up, and not just tear down. And if he can take the time to critique something you do, then he should take the time to let you know he appreciate something else.
If my math is right you've been with this guy since you were about 15 or 16. People grow and change, which is why most people don't marry their high school loves. If he's been mostly criticizing for this long it's natural you'll doubt yourself. I know some people feel the advice to see a therapist and get counseling is becoming a little trite on this board, but you're losing something that's been a part of you for nearly half your life, I think it might not be a bad idea.
It is very important though, that you DO NOT get into another relationship anytime in the near future. You need to get to know yourself as an adult. You need to examine what you really want, for yourself. You need to be a complete healthy and happy individual, before you can be part of a healthy and happy couple.
Good Luck and Hugs
My BFF broke off an engagement. She had been with him for about 4 years, living together for about 3 of those years. She also knew in her gut that he wasn't going to make her happy. I could see from my perspective that they were trying to force a partnership. They were both such different people, and I could see that the resentment was starting to set in. They are both good people, just not good for each other. I really commend her for taking a step back and realizing it before she went through with the wedding. It took a lot of strength of character.
I know it's painful now, but I promise that it gets better.
Find yourself and what truly makes you happy.
I dated someone from 18 to 22 and called it off a few weeks before he planned to propose. I've never regretted it for a second. Spend time on YOU. Be selfish, do whatever you want, whenever you want.
Don't jump back into a relationship either. Take it slow.
"Thirding" this sentiment. Focusing on the new opportunities ahead and the blank slate I was getting helped a lot when I got sad about my divorce or about having to start over.
I am mainly a lurker on this board but this post was just too close to home not to post.
First of all, good for you for taking care of yourself and recognizing that this relationship was not the best one for you. I was in a relationship for 8 years and engaged for 2 years to my ex bf and for quite a while I had this nagging feeling in the back of my head that would constantly say "this is wrong, you aren't really happy" but the idea of being alone was scary to me.
As many people have said, you change so much from when you are in late high school/early college until young adulthood and sometimes it is inevitable that you grow apart from those you are closest to.
Never once have I regretted ending my relationship with this person and while it took me a while to get back out in the dating world, it was worth it for me to find myself and like myself and learn who I was just as me, not as a couple. Go do things you love and have always wanted to do, reconnect with friends you may have lost touch with, but most of all be proud of yourself for doing something that will make you happier in the long run. I am not saying there won't be rough days but eventually the positive days will outweigh those rough days. Good luck!
Sounds like you made the right choice. Constructive criticism is for the workplace and the classroom, not your relationship. The fact he couldn't see that makes your case for you.
I used to have ongoing doubts. I would wonder if I had cold feet, since we were planning to go to the court house soon. But then he told me he was leaving me for my co-worker, who looked like the spawn of a horse and Jabba the Hutt. It hurt a lot. My pride was smashed when he told me it was horse face, spare tire neck Susan. Until I realize that guts trumped love, and my body had told me long before this man cheated on me that he was a dirt bag cheater.
I agree with Kus. Look at the positive side of it. I actually wrote a thank you letter to my ex (then burned it) about how the fact that all the bad he did in our relationship lead me to experience an independence and freedom I never let myself have before that break up.
You now have a chance to have a life that your ex, because of his problems, would have never given to you. The road is open, and the opportunities are endless, now you can make a life you always wanted.
Explore, it isn't uncertainty, it's exciting new territory full of great people you have yet to met that will give you wonderful things you have yet to experience.
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