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Weekend Update... sad face
I drove home for the weekend and what was supposed to be an awesome, care-free time with my girls ended up being sad and frustrating.
I had to meet with the XH to straighten out joint bank accounts that we never got around to separating and we spent a few hours together Saturday morning/afternoon. He and I are on great terms and we talk/text weekly. I asked if I could swing by the house to pick up some of my kitchen gear and we laughed and joked and I just felt as if I was looking at him in a different way. I'm not sure if it's because I finally cut it off with the married guy or because I'm lonely or because I was hanging out with other girls who we were best couple friends with, or what, but he was finding things around the house he thought I might want to take back with me and brought me a pair of champagne glasses from our honeymoon to Europe. I told him we should each keep one because it was a memory for us both and I pulled one out of it's display box and just started crying. I couldn't stop. I put the glass back and apologized and told him I needed to go. It was so hard and he felt bad that I was upset and I said goodbye and bolted.
The next day he texted and said he had some spare time if I wanted to meet him for lunch. I had just left my mom's house and took a back way to return home and it would have been out of my way to meet him so I told him that although I would love to meet for lunch that I had to get back. I had about a 5 hour drive home and I was scared to see him in case the feelings I had the day before were still there. I know most of the girls on this board left jerk-faced husbands, but does anyone else feel this way ever? I know there are lots of reasons we didn't work out, but now I'm questioning my judgment since I had someone else so soon after walking away from our marriage.
Also, the married ex decided to break his promise to me and he is going to be in my town for the conference I was so worried about and am obligated to attend for my work. I feel sick that he'll be here in 2 days after swearing he would cancel his meetings and not come for me. I'm angry and sad and scared we're going to see each other. I feel like my strength is slipping.
People are placed in and taken out of our lives for a multitude of reasons. My faith has me looking upward so I might stay on my path, forward to reach my future and to either side for the ones to walk near me on my journey.
Re: Weekend Update... sad face
I'm sorry you had a rough weekend. I'm not sure what exactly to say.
Why did things end with your ex?
As far as the married ex - just do your best to ignore him. Stay strong and hang in there!
I don't really know your backstory, but I'm guessing you're feeling pretty vulnerable right now and it's easy to long for the good times that were in your marriage, but there were reasons it didn't work, so try to remember that. It's wonderful that you two get along as well as you do, but is it healthy for you to have that much contact?
First it sounds like you need to cut ties with your ExH at least for a while. Texting daily/weekly seems overkill IMO.
Regarding the married ex, you can't expect him to change his life for you. And frankly I think you asking him not to attend this conference wasn't appropriate. What is he going to tell his boss or clients "oh my mistress is going to it upsets her to see me, so I can't go."
YOU are in complete control of this situation and are experiencing the consequences of your poor judgement. I do think it is completely appropriate for you to not speak to him and ask him that he does the same.
We started dating when I was 19 and he was 21 and just grew apart. I mothered him, a lot, and ended up resenting the fact that I handled everything in the household; I was the breadwinner and the planner and the fixer and am more motivated than he. He is a great guy and sweet and loving, but is content with where he is in life and while I admire that about him, I am still wanting more out of life and to grow further and raise a family and he changed his mind about having children, too. The physical intimacy was completely void also.
I agree we should probably not talk for awhile. He's just been there through so much with me.
While it might be selfish of me for telling the ex not to come for the conference, it's pretty much just a party for him and since the day I left to come here he has talked about how fun it would be to still hook up twice a year when he comes down for this. He reiterated how much he was looking forward to it even after he told me that he and his wife are pregnant. I don't trust him to stay away from me and I don't trust myself to see him and the old feelings to not rush back. I told him all of this and he agreed to cancel the trip and just told me last week that he decided he's coming.
I hope you see how you are still not taking responsibility for your actions here. You are in COMPLETE control of your actions. While the old feelings might rush back and you can't really control that, you can decide not to act on them. Seriously you need to stop playing the victim here.
Ditto!
Being in control of your emotions and of the situation is going to feel SO much better than rekindling the faux-mance with your married ex. You're so much stronger than you realize. You owe it to yourself. You can do it!
As others have said, it's completely unreasonable of you to ask the married guy not to attend the conference. Work is work, and I'm sure it's more than just a "party" to him. Even if it's not, I'm sure he'd miss out on interactions with colleagues and other networking opportunities.
Be strong and don't see him. Go to the meeting aspects of this conference. Go to the happy hours, but keep your wits about you. If he approaches you, be cordial but cold. Extricate yourself quickly. This is in your hometown, on your turf. Leave before it gets late. Respect yourself and act with dignity. You can do this.
From the sound of your post, you have difficulty with "old feelings" rushing back and getting swept up in them. It's what happened with your STBEX and it's what you anticipate happening with this other guy. Knowing that and anticipating it will help you to get through it unscathed.
Good luck.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
Am I the only one who thinks that it's ridiculous that you talk to your XH as often as you do and you don't have any kids with him? Also, why in the heck are you having ANY contact with a married man who you had an affair with??
We're in the same industry, have mutual colleagues and are required to attend the same functions. I spoke with him to tell him I would appreciate if he skip this one and my therapist agreed that it was the best way to avoid any type of contact with him. I didn't realize I would get so flamed by doing something that is clearly in my best interest at this time.
I changed my entire life, quit my job since he was my boss, moved 5 hours away from my life and home to get away from him and now he's coming to me. I don't think there's anything wrong with me telling him to stay away, but some clearly do not agree with me. He's manipulative and charming and I'm not yet strong enough to deny him when he inevitably approaches me and wants to "just have a glass of wine" or whatever other reason he comes up with for us to "catch up".
My XH and I were best friends before and while we were married, it just didn't work out for us as husband and wife. You can think it's ridiculous, but I have remained friendly with all but probably one guy that I've ever dated. XH was a huge part of my life and will always be a dear friend to me.
The problem is you are putting all of the responsibility on HIM. You have given him complete control of your life and emotions. I agree with your therapist that you should avoid all contact with him, but that is on you, not him. Avoid him at the conference, if he approaches you, say hello and move on. Don't go to the socializing aspect if you can get away with it. You were strong enough to move away, you are strong enough to do this.
Thanks pdx. It's just so fresh still and I know I've let him have control over pretty much every aspect of my life and I'm changing that. I just know to see him now would send me into a tailspin and I finally am feeling stronger to not reach out to him in an "I miss you" way and I have never felt this good in 2 1/2 years to not reach out to him. I don't want to be set back, because my heart still wants for him even though my brain tells me otherwise.
For the record, you're not being flamed so much as people trying to slap some sense into you. You can't control his actions so stop trying and just realize that you can and will control yours.
You are strong enough to stay away from him. I agree with the pp who said don't talk to him, say hello if you need to and walk away. It sounds like it might be a good idea for you not to drink during the conference. You've worked so hard to build a life for yourself away from him, don't let a few glasses of wine at a conference ruin all that you've worked on for yourself.
First of all, that wasn't exactly a flaming. Second of all, had you provided all of that information about the married guy in your OP, you'd likely have had a different reaction. Maybe it was in another post, but I didn't remember, and I'm sure I'm not the only one.
Second of all, I get being friends with an XH. Mine's one of my best friends. But it doesn't hurt either one of us to see one another or correspond. If it did, we'd take a step back and center, then try again when it didn't hurt so much. Maybe this is what you should be doing.
Your situation does suck, but you're giving it more power than it deserves. Take some back for yourself, please.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
Also, I would bet, that having done all the growing you have, seeing him in person is going to be much less appealing than you think. While this sucks, seeing him and knowing it's over and that you can survive it, might just be the closure you need to fully move on from him.