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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
How to be supportive: Divorce and TTC
I have two friends, one has been TTC for 8mos and has had no luck. I know she is starting to get a little stressed but I don't want to ask about it or anything because I know how easy it is to hurt the feelings of someone who is TTC. I know it often takes a year to get pregnant even without any probs, but what is the best way to be supportive? What should not be said? Is it best to just ignore it unless she brings it up?
My other friend has recently separated from her husband and is planning on divorcing. For those of you who have divorced, how were you friends supportive? I feel like my friend thinks she is being judged for the fact that she is divorcing. What did you need from your friends and family during that time?
Re: How to be supportive: Divorce and TTC
What I needed: people who supported our decision, and people who invited me to spend time with them (coming over for dinner, going out, hanging out, etc) during the transition back to single life.
what I didn't need: people trying to give me advice about how to "fix" my marriage; people who said things like, "Oh that's too bad. You guys made such a great couple! It's too bad it didn't work out."
On the TTC thing, my advice would be to tell her that you're not asking about it not because you don't care but because you don't want her to feel like you're putting any pressure on her (even if a question is well-meant, a lot of TTC women hear "what's wrong with you? why aren't you pregnant already?"). Tell her that if she'd like to talk about it, you're more than willing to listen and sympathize, but you'll just follow her lead.
Basically like the advice Gilli gave. :-) If there are days when she wants to moan and complain about it, then sympathize, and if there are days when she wants to ignore it, then don't bring it up. And whatever you do, try not to give advice (especially the classic "just relax and it'll happen."). Even if you have 12 peer-reviewed studies on the positive effects on TTC of meditating upside-down for 5 hours a day, just let it be.
I feel like TTC is slowly taking over my entire life so I'm pretty incapable of avoiding it. Last year, when I was at the 8-month mark of trying, although it was something I thought about, there really isn't anything to say. It just takes a while for some people. I would wait for her to bring it up, if she does, just listen and be there for her.
We all know that it can take up to a year - everyone says that constantly and it gets really upsetting to hear after a while. The less advice people offer me, the better it is... just being there is all I can really ask of my friends. People do try to 'fix' things - offer anecdotes about 'my brothers, friends sister took two years to get pregnant and then had twins!' type thing and I find that really upsetting as well. People are very quick to offer religious comments too 'I'm sure this is all part of G-d's plan' comments which are really overwhelming for me personally.
Having trouble-TTC is one of the loneliest experiences of my life, it really is so personal and hard to know how to talk about it or who to talk about it with so I think you should wait and see if she brings it up. I'm coming at it from a different place now, but a year ago, I was definitely better off having distractions and enjoying life without thinking too much about it if that makes sense.
BFP Apr 2012, EDD Dec 19 2012 * twin h/b at 6wk, 9wk scan * Baby A lost at 12wks, Baby B was my rainbow born at 36wks
I've been there on both the TTC and the divorce so here are my two cents.
With respect to TTC, don't ask her anything. If she wants to talk, let her talk and tell you about it. Don't offer unsolicited advice and never tell her to relax or that "she will get a baby when the time is right". Those are just awful things to say. It's better to say nothing at all than to say things that you think will make her feel better because they might end up being very hurtful.
With respect to the divorce I agree with Gilli. Ask how she's doing and don't make comments about what a douche he is unless she mentions it first. No one wants to hear that you always thought her STBXH was a jerk so don't offer that up (don't know if you felt that way or not). Also, I agree with Gilli and don't say that you thought they made a great couple, such a shame, etc. Obviously she knows this already. What you can do is check up on her. I had a friend who texted me everday just to say "How are you?" and it made me feel good. Knowing that you have support, even if you don't want to talk about it, is a great help. Some days I called her back crying, some days I replied "fine" but everyday I knew she would check up on me and that I had her support.
If you're close by, offer to get her out of the house. Instead of taking her for drinks, go do activities together because that's a big part of what you lose when a marriage ends. It's important to regain a sense of self that's sometimes lost so doing new activities (pottery, painting class, flea market shopping, etc) will help her recovery. She needs to create new things to do and new memories with people who will be there for her in the coming months. If she wants to go out drinking, be there for her with a hair tie at the end of the night. Listen to her and take her lead.
You're a very good friend and these women are lucky to have you in their lives.
Whenever I'm not sure of the best way to be supportive of a friend, I just ask myself, "What are the most amazing things friends have ever done for me?" and then try to be the best friend I can possibly be (regardless of their circumstances).
My current list:
1. A friend cam over a shoveled my driveway for me before I even woke up to notice it had snowed.
2. Another friend knew I was working late one night, so she put some of her dinner leftovers in glad ware and left it on my door step so I wouldn't have to cook for myself when I got home.
3. A family that I was friends with would call me on random sunday afternoons to hang out, play board games with their kids, eat dinner, then watch Amazing Race (so I didn't have to spend a Sunday night by myself after being alone all weekend).
4. Random phone calls just to chat.
5. Kidnapped to Starbucks.
6. Taco Bell takeaway (this was obviously in the states).
I guess in my opinion it's about being a good FRIEND first regardless of what's going on their life that needs extra support. If you just focus on being an awesome friend, the rest kind of falls into place.
My friends both live in the states so the extent of my support is what to say or what not to say in their respective situations.
Thanks everyone for your very personal responses. It is really helpful to hear what helped or hurt you as you were/are going through some of the toughest times of your lives. I call regularly and try to let them talk as much as possible without giving advice or too much commentary on the situation. I must admit, when it comes to a$$-holey ex-husbands, it is really hard to keep my mouth shut!! But I'm workin it pretty well, I hope
Agreed.
I have been guilty of saying "I'm sorry to hear that" about divorce and I feel like a total tool now. I guess my thinking has always been that I do feel a little sad about what a couple has to go through emotionally to get to that point. So even when it's best for both I hate that they have to deal with the emotions and decisions that go with it. But, the older I get the more I have learned that 99% of the time just asking asking someone how they are and letting them talk is the best way to support them.
Maybe schedule a semi-regular Skype date with wine, and talk about silly stuff that you would talk about if you met for drinks in person.
Don't feel that way. It's a completely appropriate response. Saying, "Wow, I'm so sorry to hear that, you seemed like the perfect couple, I can't believe this is happening, who ever would have thought, can I set you up with so and so, you should swear off men for the next year, etc." is different.
Don't feel badly. As long as you're not being obnoxious, most people will understand that even if you've offended them slightly, you were just trying to be nice and didn't know what to say.