Sex & Romance
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Low sex drive
My husband and I have been together for 4.5 yrs and married for 6 months.
When we first got together it was great but now I'm at the point were I don't initiate or do anything and I feel bad bc I wanna make my husband happy am hes honestly he's talked to me about it and he's almost had enough. I need to save my marriage bc I love him with all of my heart I need to make this better.
Re: Low sex drive
What I find the most disturbing thing of all: He's almost had enough.
Cheez louise --- this has been going on for 6 months, not 6 years! What do you mean "save your marriage"???
He needs to be a bit more flexible and understanding than this --- this is, after all, a problem you are having as a COUPLE; what affects you should affect him and vice versa.
It also TAKES TWO to make a sex life. He's got to pitch in and do his part too, to make sure you're turned on and you're rarin' to go for sex.
It also takes communication! He should be sitting down with you and say to you "honey, I love you and you are really hot and sex with you is great! How can we have more sex? I would love to have a lot more of it with you; I can't get enough of you!" Above all he shouldn't be saying to you "I have had just about enough!"
This guy needs to learn how to be patient, how to be more flexible and he needs to be TACTFUL, IF he actually said "I have just about had enough."
And even so, if your sex life was fantastic and satisfactory to you both, sex, along with passion, waxes and wanes! Don't believe everything you read about newlyweds; not all newlyweds are busy humping away like they're porn stars. Every couple is different.
You are 21. He is about the same age.
I am guessing he is probably very sexually inexperienced.
He indeed needs to slow down and learn the fine art of foreplay. Does he get even that much?
If he doesn't, he'd better start getting with the program and fast. This is not a porn loop: this is real live sex with a partner and he can't be expected to have you get satisfied with a quick in and out that has no foreplay and doesn't last long.
I also suggest sex manuals for couples -- mainstream bookstores sell them; the both of you should make it a joint endeavor and head on down to the bookstore to pick some out.
Have you had a complete physical checkup very recently?
Oral BCs, meds and thyroid problems, along with hormonal imbalances, can cause a low sex drive. Have yourself checked to rule out problems with those.
Stress can also be a factor.
More questions:
How long have you and he been sexually active? Were you sexually active before your marriage? What was your sex life like before you got married?
You'll probably say "oh it was really hot" -- if things have levelled off at this point, chances are --- if you are not having an organic problem that's causing a low sex drive --- you have always had less of a sex drive than he has. You were not putting on a front; you were probably trying to please him and meet his expectations.
Does he accommodate you? as I asked, is there lots of foreplay? is he taking his time with you to find out what turns you on? If he is not, wow, he'd sure better start --- and you should let it be known right now.
What I suggest you do:
Meet him at least halfway on what he is asking --- the same would go for him if you were asking for more sex: he should meet you at least halfway with your sexual needs.
I think twice, or even 3 times a week, would be great.
If he doesn't think 2 or 3 times a week is acceptable or great and he is still demanding that you pretty much be a 24/7 sex machine, he really needs to be read the riot act. As I said he needs to be flexible and more understanding and he needs to work ON this issue WITH YOU.
Another suggestion:
Masturbate.
Do you know what turns you on? what touches make you orgasm and what touches make you lube up?
If you have not done it, i suggest you start immediately. Then show him what turns you on.
This is also your first and only boyfriend. Sure, you're going to catch flak from a great many Nesties when they find out what your ages are --- the horse is way out of the barn but I say that you and he shold have waited at least 4 years until you got married. Both of you get jobs, save your pennies and when you have a nice sized nest egg saved between the 2 of you, make plans to get married)
Reason: you and he will change a great deal emotionally between now and your mid 20s. Go into your marriage with joint maturity, rather than as 2 very callow kids barely out of your teens. (9 times out of ten when very very young couples are gnawing at the bit to get married, it's horniness, plain and simple)
take a look at this website, it gives a lot of information about just the problem you described. http://tinyurl.com/6g6alxw
good luck
joyce
27 posts? Why do i get the idea that this is a vendor?
DO NOT CLICK THAT LINK.
Wait, you have only been married for 6 months?
Are you sure this is a real person?
I am wondering what else is going on --- we do not have much of a backstory -- what does she mean "I'm trying to save my marriage"???
How he is acting and how he is handling this issue WITH his wife is what I am wondering about. Like I said, a marriage takes two and so does a sex life.
Thge OP hasn't been back. Pity.
You are right! The OP has not been back which leads me to believe that this was truly not a real complaint.
How were we supposed to figure out what is the deal without the backstory? You are absolutely right.
Or it was someone that wanted to vent and is going a little wild in the bedroom and that the "low sex drive" was really her creating drama because he refused her one time. (wow, I can create a fake person too with issues. Interesting.)
Or it was someone that wanted to vent and is going a little wild in the bedroom and that the "low sex drive" was really her creating drama because he refused her one time. (wow, I can create a fake person too with issues. Interesting.)
Indeed. But what got me was I want to save my marriage. Save what?? the wedding took place 6 months ago. What do you mean "Save" it?
I can't figure out who has the "low sex drive" -- I am guessing she is the one.
And here is another possibility:
This relationship could have already run its course.
Yep, even after a 6 month period of marriage.
Bear in mind their ages. And bear in mind how old they were when they began to date! Every teenage boy is horny as hell at that age; this is essentially a pair of feete driven by hormones.
Teens are fickle as hell at that age. And not very many young 20s are mature enough for marriage or ready for a lifelong commitment. There are breakups galore, and multiple ones, at that age; it goes with the territory.
If the OP is still out there:
Why did you and your H choose to marry when you did -- and for what reasons?
Is this perhaps a situation where you were dating awhile and you and he "figured" that marriage is what comes next, and everybody ( your parents, your siblings, your friends, neighbors, etc) expected it....so you went ahead and got married?
If so, that's not getting married for the right reason.
Of course, I may be off base; since the OP has not been back to give us a full backstory, I can only speculate or theorize what the deal is.
Could be that things were already rocky before the marriage and things were winding down between the 2 of them but they went ahead and got married anyway.
The time honored popular addage and expression that we use on TN is this: Don't marry your prom date.