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Vent- feeling like my life is "on hold"
I?m so tired of living in the same house. I?ve been living in the same house for 12 years, and my neighborhood is steadily declining. Thank god I have my dog to protect me! I really want out of here, but I would have to rent my house out since my mortgage company won?t work with me at all. I would have to foreclose or do a short sale, which I don?t want to do since it would ruin my credit. I want to move in with L, but I?m waiting until we get engaged, since we both agreed that was what we wanted. Once we get engaged, my plan would be to find a renter, move out, and move in with L. What sucks (besides being a landlord) is that I won?t be able to bring a lot of my stuff with me to L?s since his place is already furnished with his stuff. I?d have to get a storage rental.
I?m burned out at my job. I?ve been here for over 6 years now, and been working full-time in my field since May of ?99 (so almost 13 years). I?ve never had more than 1.5 weeks off at a time, and that was for my honeymoon in July of ?08. They recently told me my job had been eliminated, and I found another job internally (lateral move), but I still haven?t been told when I start, and when my transition end date is. It?s very stressful and frustrating!
I feel like I need some time off to take care of things I have been neglecting, but I would much rather use my vacation time for a (much needed) actual vacation! L and I are talking about planning a vacation to the Bahamas for his DD?s spring break, but he?s dragging his feet asking his XW if he can trade some days with her. So I?m waiting in limbo right now.
I?m getting depressed seeing all the FB updates of friends/acquaintances getting engaged and announcing their pregnancies. My brother (who is younger) and sister-in-law were married in 2009, and I stood up in their bridal party. Since then, all the other girls in the bridal party are either pregnant now, have had a kid, or into their second pregnancy. I was the oldest out of all of them. My brother and his wife are due in a couple days with my first nephew. While I am super happy and excited for them, I always thought I would have the first grandchild.
I guess what I?m saying is I need some change (for the better) in my life. I want to start my new job, go on vacation, get engaged, move in with L, get married, and have a baby. I realize good things come to those who wait, but it?s hard to feel that way when every aspect of your life seems to be on hold at the present moment.
Re: Vent- feeling like my life is "on hold"
I hear you. But it all takes time. You recently solved the job issue, right? So check that one off the list.
As for getting engaged, remember that you have only been together 8 months or so and L has a child. That tends to slow down these things (and, while the waiting sucks, is a good thing). But I do understand how you are antsy about this. B and I do live together, talked about getting married, have looked at rings, but I know it probably isn't happening until this summer. I know it WILL happen. I know he has a plan. I know it involves waiting until after a few upcoming events. I know he is busting at the seams not telling me. But, I feel like I am in limbo about it. I am just trying to have as much fun as I can now. Focus on school. Focus on work. Focus on my ds. Decorate the house. You get the idea.
Hang in there.
I hear you on the house front. XH and I still own the house we shared (because neither can afford it on our own) and we're renting it out starting next month. While I'm glad to not live there anymore, I hate still having it tied to me and I'm not looking forward to being a landlord. And when I moved into BF's place, I had to rent a storage unit for some of my stuff too, which I wasn't thrilled with. But for now, it works, and at some point in the (not too soon) future when we move the stuff will come out of storage. You'll get there.
And I agree w/ AK about the above quoted sentiment. Honestly Haines, I worry a little that you're moving too fast. I realize that comes from an internet stranger, but it seems like you're dead set on getting married and having babies as soon as possible, and that can often cloud judgement. Maybe I'm off on that, and you can tell me to eat crow, but from some of your recent posts that's how it's coming across.
I understand how you feel. I've felt like that in various phases of the last 3 years I've been divorced. That's one of the reasons why I applied to grad school in January and if I get in, I'll be taking a year sabbatical from teaching and go full time for a year to school. I have many women who I work with who married after me and already have kids and their lives are really different. In fact, I'm one of the only single women at my workplace (I teach high school, and our faculty is pretty much all under 45) who also doesn't have kids. I find myself lacking a common dialogue with a lot of my friends (my work colleagues have become some of my closest friends) and it's hard because I get upset about sometimes.....
BUT, then I really question WHY I look at these lives and assume these people are "ahead" of me?? Why? Because society tells us we're supposed to fit into this tidy linear path of college, relationship, marriage, baby, happily ever after? I know you know that intellectually, that isn't a wise model to believe in because we're living proof that this timelines changes, but we can't help but fall into sometimes because it's the norm we grew up with. Somehow, I feel like these women who are married with babies that are in my life somehow have "made it!" and I've not.....but then I remind myself how irrational that is....
You're just feeling a bit restless and I get it, I wish I had good advice except....just have faith in the process. Be happy you found a great man who you love and will have a future with, I'm trying to get there! You really have so much to be grateful for.
Thanks AK! I know you understand what I'm going through.
As for the job situation, it has been solved in theory, but not on paper. I have received verbal confirmation that I have the new job, but I haven't received anything official (offer letter, etc.). Until that happens, it seems like it's not "real". I'm still doing my current job, but am totally demotivated since it feels like someone else is going to enjoy the fruits of my hard work.
I'm trying to focus on other things, but it's difficult.
Thanks for the concern, but I have made a conscious effort to keep my eyes wide open so I know exactly what I'm getting myself into with L, and watch for any red flags. Our relationship just keeps growing stronger and stronger, and we are great friends as well as lovers. I know we'll get to the point of marriage and kids, I just can't help feeling a little restless right now due to everything in my life being in a waiting pattern.
I also get the feeling you are moving too fast. You're antsy for an engagement after 8 months?!?!? And he has a kid?!?! Seems somewhat ridiculous to me.
Also, don't assume you are just going to move into his house and that you won't have an opportunity to redecorate with some of your own stuff. That would be a BAD idea. How will it be your home too if you do what you've described?
I'm going to jump on FAK's bandwagon. I had my annual exam this morning and basically got fertility-shamed by my gyno, so I get the ticking clock thing. I'm really happy being "in the moment" right now though. I'm not actively looking for the next step soon, and there's a comfort in knowing it will eventually come but I get to enjoy this stage of life again. I was constantly looking for what's next with XH and, thus, I missed out on a lot (including some red flags).
My job sucks right now too - I hate my work environment and my company just laid off 10% of its workforce. And yet, life is good. I have a great relationship, a nice house to decorate and live in, good friends, food in my belly, and wine in my fridge.
Que sera, sera.
I will be able to redecorate and move some of my furniture into his house, but not all of it. I have a whole house full of stuff. I would need to lighten my load by selling some things and putting some in storage.
We've talked about getting our "own" place after a while. The condo would not be a long term arrangement.
I can completely relate to just about everything you've said except I don't have a SO. The good thing is, with time it will all pass and things will get better. Right now, try and just enjoy the moment as much as you can and try not to worry about the things you have no control over - easier said than done I know. This feeling is partially the reasoning for my budget post earlier.
Maybe to help feel like something is moving forward, try making some really short term goals that you can mark off within a week or two. At least that could make it feel like you have made some sort of progress...
I get you in that I often get overwhelmed thinking at what I "should have had" by now and what I "don't have". This usually ends in some pity party, a long bath and a good cry. It's tough sometimes.
I really understand you on the job front. I gave up my legal career for XH and moved to a foreign country so he could futher his career while I did something that just stagnated mine. Now I'm working in a job that pays squat and utilizes little of my education.
I decided that long term goals just stress me out and depress me so I'm focusing on things 6 months down the line instead of years away. Heck, I thought I knew what I wanted a long time ago and I was pretty far off. Things will work out, one step at a time.
I just listened to Zach Brown Band's "No Hurry" and really like the quote: "Ain't in no hurry, be a fool now to worry, about all those things I can't change."
Try to enjoy the moment. You have a great BF, a job (and hopefully a new one soon) and you're living on your own independently. You're on your way!
All of this although I'm not exactly in your position (in that I'm not in a relationship and I already have P) so I'm sure it's easier said than done.
Make sure that you know exactly what you're getting into and exactly what you want and marriage/family isn't just something you're itching to do so you're willing to jump without knowing everything. I'm not saying you're doing this, but really, eight months isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. It's best to do it more slowly/cautiously than it is to just go head long and hope for the best.
I think things will fall into place and, when you look back, you'll laugh at yourself for being so anxious once it actually happens.
First I'm sorry that you feel that way, I know it can totally suck. Second, I'm going to get a little harsh, because I really think you need open your eyes here. I'm a firm believer that life is never "on hold." The days are moving forward, you are the one who is choosing not to enjoy the moments in the present.
It seems your only definition of life is a husband and babies. Frankly I think that's a sad way to think. You have A LOT to enjoy about your life right now. You have a fabulous BF and have built a strong relationship with his daughter, while your job is kind of up in the air, at least you have one and it sounds like it could be a cool new opportunity.
Honestly unless you can accept enjoying life for what it is at the moment, a baby and a husband isn't going to magically make it better. Sure it might be a fun and great distraction for a few years, but inevitably you will continue to feel this way throughout life. Once you've settled into married life and your child and that is the norm, then what? Is it another kid? A new job?
Thanks for your perspective. I know I have a lot of things to be thankful for, and I am enjoying the moments in my life. I have talked to my therapist at length about these issues, and it is normal to want marriage and children in the future. As PP said, you can't rush these things, you just have to go with the flow as much as you can. Most of the time I'm a pretty relaxed and happy person, but I have days like today too.
Stop dwelling on everything you don't have and start enjoying what you do. Time for you to start making some changes for yourself to have a more fulfilling life.
If your location is current, I don't live that far from you, talk to your bank again about your house. BF had problems with his house/mortgage while he was unemployed and the bank wouldn't do anything (approx. 8 months ago) and he just went back to see if he could get help while he gets back on his feet and they are working with him. It might be worth it to keep trying with your bank.
Start looking for a new job- it's nice that you already have a job, so there is no pressure. Keep applying for positions you want and see if anything works out for something new.
I agree with pp's who think you're moving too fast with L for marriage/kids. Enjoy getting to know each other better- you've only known him for 8-9 months... there is still a lot to learn about him and how your relationship will work. There is no reason for you to put extra pressure on him for marriage/kids if the time isn't right for you both.
at three months you were talking about wanting to get engaged, so I disagree that you've gone into this with "eyes wide open" -- it's been a whirlwind and you definitely seem like you're focused in on this really narrow goal.
I guess I just find it strange. And unhealthy. And more likely to lead to a divorce down the line where you are set even "further" back on your timeline and decide to settle for another guy.
Do yourself (and your SO's child) a favor and actually take things slow. There should be no reason to rush anything. Everyone will be better for it in the end.
I remember your post on MM and I am happy you decided to rent...that is a wise decision. You can always took into rental management too and see how much it would cost if it seems overwhelming...or have a family member actually do the dirty work.
As for everything else.....don't be in a rush. I can see wanting your life to move forward, but appreciate what you have at the moment. Focus on the positives...it is all about perspective.
It will all work out.
ETA...on the dating thing, I dated my ex for 8 months before we got engaged..then married 4 months later. It was a dumb mistake. You will live with him first, so that is great and adviseable, but don't type cast your life and your self worth on getting engaged, babies, etc. I would love to marry my SO....we talk about it. But we arealso still getting to know each other, even after living together a year in March. It seems crazy, but true. It is an amazing journey and I appreciate every moment of it...I remind myself of that if we pass a diamond shop or watch Say Yes to the Dress. The moment will be so much sweeter when we are truly ready....that cold be
Hang in there, Haines. Everyone has crappy days like this and, as you know, they'll pass.
I think perhaps you do need that vacation and hope that you get it soon. It would be nice to have a chance to unwind a little and take your mind off of things.
As for how "fast" things are going with L, only YOU know deep down what is right for the both of you.