Marriage Counseling

MBMcC421 · February 2012

Without going into too much detail about the really bad weekend I just had, I'm reaching out to you all for some support right now.

Regardless of the reasons, has anyone been through, or currently receiving, marriage counseling? Do you feel it helped with whatever situation you were trying to work through, or was it irrelevant and a waste of your time?

... or am I the only one here who's failing at her marriage? -_-;;

maryandkirk0909 · February 2012

We went through a really bad time 6 months into our marriage and strongly considered going to counseling at the time. Based on the factors involved in the blow up fight, we both agreed to make changes personally and in the relationship and see how it worked out. Luckily, we both stuck to all of our promises and the situation improved dramatically. Had the commitment to change not been solid on the parts of both parties involved, we definitely would have been in counseling.

steeser03 · February 2012

I have nothing to add except you're not a failure.

lilswimmer · February 2012

Obviously my situation is a hell of a lot different but it absolutely helped us out. At the time it felt like we were just two roomates stuck in an apartment yelling at each other for every little thing. No connection to one another at all.

We did the counseling for a while and life was a complete 180. We realized that we needed to communicate better, that we still both deeply love one another and just needed some help geting out our feelings and frustrations. We now sit down the other person if we are upset and actually talk now instead of just screaming or walking out the door. I can honestly say we have a much better marriage than we did when we first got married. That doesn't mean we don't still have our fights, but they are much more civil and we can come to agreements now.

Big hugs to you! Left Hug

ChristinaDawn · February 2012

I haven't ever been to counciling but I think Joel and I need to. You're not a failure at all especially because you're willing to admit that there is work to be done and that you're willing to do it! Joel and I could use it to help us with our arguing style. We're both explosive and I don't want Alex to see that.

melpfaff · February 2012

I don't have personal experience doing marriage counseling, but know people it has helped. I think both people have to be committed to be willing to change. I hope things get better for you and Chris.

tdmd09 · February 2012

We haven't, but I have brought up issues we've had in my own therapy which has given me some tools to use to talk to DH about them. Sometimes I know what I want to say, but not how to say it, and therapy has been helpful in that regard.

I hope you guys are able to work it out ((hugs))

billyandsara · February 2012

We have no personal experience but I know friends who have gone and it has helped them open up to each other.

Also you are not failing, you admitting that counseling may help is proof that you aren't failing, if you were you wouldn't seek help and would just ignore the problem. Marriage is hard and sometimes we need to step back and re-evaluate things and work on what is the problem.

aStorie2009 · February 2012

I agree with everyone else in that you are def not failing at your marriage. I personally haven't been through marriage counseling but I do have a friend who has and it's worked for them so far. Counseling has come up recently with us due to communication issues with trouble TTC (mostly on my part) but we have both agreed to try a little harder and sit down and talk when we have something bothering us and if things don't change in a couple of months then we will take that next step to help us

law67 · February 2012

You are not failing in your marriage. I've recently been thinking that we should see someone before we start TTC. There are just things in our marriage that right now only annoy me but I know they would become unbearable once we have children (sparsity of sex, lack of participation in keeping up the house, etc...)

I don't think there is any kind of failure in wanting to actively work to make your marriage better.

misspippa · February 2012

Hey MB. You are definitely not alone. We actually went to counseling last spring because things got pretty bad last winter. We ended up going for a few months and it made a huge difference for our relationship. We went together and also on our own which I think really helped. It wasn't something he really wanted to do at first, but he eventually realized it needed to happen becuase we were not making progress on our own. Afterwards we both ended up agreeing that it was a really positve thing and made a big difference.

We definitely still have challenges but we have a lot of tools to help communicate now and also understand more where each of us is coming from. I sometimes feel like a failure too because our marriage has not been easy and especially after becoming parents. But I do think that making an effort and caring enough to work on things definitely shows you are not a failure, you know? I can email you more about it if you want! xo

kelklump · February 2012

MB- sometimes I really think we are way too much alike...

I have been talking about this for a few months now with Mark. With him traveling and me feeling the pressure of taking care of the baby and the house, I think we need it. Mark doesn't always agree with the need but he is starting to agree. I really have been looking into our options. I think the stress of life gets to everyone and it doesn't help if you dont have a great way to communicate. I know I can be a better wife, I know he can be a better husband, we just need someone to mediate our discussions.

You are not a failure, we all are in the same boat.

kass09 · February 2012

We have seen a therapist together, and I definitely think it helps. H has seen the same therapist off and on for years (like 10+ years). Even before we got married, I started going with him sometimes. Sometimes he initiates it, sometimes I do. Sometimes we mutually agree that it is time to go see her together. I've seen my own therapists over the years (never really found someone I LOVED) and I've even gone to see this woman alone once or twice. I feel that a neutral person/third party in the room is really helpful when trying to discuss things that are sensitive, have potential to cause one another harm, or that you've discussed/argued over a million times. Sometimes we might have had the same conversation over and over again, but when we have it with her there, she can point out what the other is hearing/saying in such a way that we wouldn't be able to do it alone (if that makes sense). I say try it, I really don't think it can hurt. And like with any other therapy, you can go in and out of it as needed, but I guarantee you'll come away with tools/tricks that you can use for the next 30+ years. The hardest part is probably going to be finding someone you both like and can work with, but like seeking out individual therapy, you have to find someone you "click" with, so it may take some time. Don't get frustrated.

You are not a failure. I know there is a stigma that if you seek out counseling, especially marriage counseling, that you are somehow failing. I see it the opposite: that your marriage means so much to you that you are willing to WORK at it and make it the best it can possibly be.

I hope things get better soon!

YouandMe912 · February 2012

Aw you are absolutely not a failure. Recognizing you guys need help is just showing you're mature and not willing to fail. Sometimes people just need a neutral 3rd party to help the other person get across what they need to. There's no shame in wanting to be sure your marriage works.

lneuner09 · February 2012

kass09:

We have seen a therapist together, and I definitely think it helps. H has seen the same therapist off and on for years (like 10+ years). Even before we got married, I started going with him sometimes. Sometimes he initiates it, sometimes I do. Sometimes we mutually agree that it is time to go see her together. I've seen my own therapists over the years (never really found someone I LOVED) and I've even gone to see this woman alone once or twice. I feel that a neutral person/third party in the room is really helpful when trying to discuss things that are sensitive, have potential to cause one another harm, or that you've discussed/argued over a million times. Sometimes we might have had the same conversation over and over again, but when we have it with her there, she can point out what the other is hearing/saying in such a way that we wouldn't be able to do it alone (if that makes sense). I say try it, I really don't think it can hurt. And like with any other therapy, you can go in and out of it as needed, but I guarantee you'll come away with tools/tricks that you can use for the next 30+ years. The hardest part is probably going to be finding someone you both like and can work with, but like seeking out individual therapy, you have to find someone you "click" with, so it may take some time. Don't get frustrated.

You are not a failure. I know there is a stigma that if you seek out counseling, especially marriage counseling, that you are somehow failing. I see it the opposite: that your marriage means so much to you that you are willing to WORK at it and make it the best it can possibly be.

I hope things get better soon!

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE MB! And I totally agree with Kass. We haven't personally be through counseling, but I've done some couples counseling and Kass hit it on the head - there's usually stuff that each persnoal should see a therapist about individually in addition to sessions together. A neutral 3rd party can sometimes reflect things in a different way, help eithe ror both parties see things a little differently.

Definitely take some time and find someone who works for BOTH of you. I'm (clearly) a firm believer in therapy, but so much is contingent on finding the right therapist.

You have to let go of any shame surrounding asking for help. It means you're brave and willing to admit you need help. It doesn't mean you're a failure.

MBMcC421 · February 2012

I guess it's just hard to come to grips that things aren't perfect, and I'm not the wife I imagined myself to be. I'm already got the ball rolling to get myself back in to see a new therapist, and we're still trying to find someone for the two of us. We both want to make the effort to fix whatever it is that's broken, so I suppose that's a step in the right direction. But thank you, all, for your kind words.

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