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unhappy in marriage
I set up a new account so I didn't have to worry about anyone from other boards knowing my 'dirt'....
DH and I have known each other 14 years, been together about 13 of those years (married 7 years). We have 2 kids together under the age of 5. I've realized that I have been unhappy most of my marriage, not really realizing how unhappy I have been until the last year or two. At this point I'm basically staying because of our children. I have realized that while I still love my husband for so many reasons, including being the father of my amazing kids, I'm not in love with him and there are things that I'm not happy about in our marriage. I don't want to be intimate with him, I have no desire to kiss him/have sex/cuddle. For the longest time I thought that I could just stay married and make it work, but DH has said a few times in the past year that he doesn't understand why I won't initiate anything, that I seem to pull away from him, etc. So, clearly I haven't been hiding it as well as I thought. I'd say sex is about once every 6-8 weeks, maybe at minimum of 4 weeks and it's him initiating. ...maybe this is just a rut that marriages go through? But looking back, I really haven't wanted to be intimate with him for several years.
We don't fight in front of the kids and don't really fight often, I just keep my unhappiness to myself. We talked about a month ago because we ended up having a disagreement, and I said I wasn't happy (just said as a general statement) and he said that me and the kids were his world and that we can't get a divorce and that he loves our family of four and what would that do the to kids...etc (I never said I wanted a divorce...I thought it to myself but then after he said that, I just bottled up because he was really taking it hard that I said I wasn't happy. I didn't take anything back that I said, he just went to bed by himself after crying for awhile and I stayed up and watched tv).
He's been gone on a trip with some friends for a few days and he'll send me texts and say that he misses me and the kids and he wishes he could be home with us. And I feel terrible because I don't miss him and think it's actually nice to be home without him and feeling like I have to pretend around him. I'm guessing that at 5 days of being apart from your spouse, one would normally be missing him/her? It sounds like such a dumb question to even say out loud, I know...I kind of joked about it at work today and a few co-workers said that it would be a vacation for them if their DH was gone for several days...but I didn't want to ask if they seriously wouldn't miss them or if they were just kind of kidding.
I made an appointment to go see a marriage counselor, just for individual counseling at this point. DH and I saw a counselor several years ago but I ended up becoming upset about it. We went through a few months. DH told me that he basically was telling the counselor things that he felt she wanted to hear. And if they had us do couples 'homework' it was more so a discussion after the session about how he didn't think we needed to do it or that it was dumb and that we discussed it on the way to the next session, but not anything we really worked on/discussed aside from that.
With him being gone it's just given me time to think about all of this. When I look at it all, I know that it's not only me not being happy, but that he deserves to be with someone who can show him all the love and intimacy a marriage should have. But right now, based on the few conversations we've had in the last year, he says that there isn't anyone else that could make him happy....which breaks my heart. But really, I know I'm not giving him the love and intimacy he deserves. And my kids are my first priority in life and I'd stay together if that would be best for the kids, which is what I have been doing. But now I just have been wondering if really the kids would be better to grow up in homes where they see both parents happy. And if I stay with DH for the next 18 years just to stay with Dh until the kids are out of school, then does that hurt them worse that they then wonder if everything was just a lie (which, I guess on my part, it pretty much would be if I genuinely wasn't happy).
I don't look forward to having date nights with DH, I don't look forward to any vacations just with him, I don't look forward to growing old with him...but yet it breaks my heart to know that I'm breaking up my family and that he feels so happy in our marriage
So, obviously there is more to all of this than I've posted here, but there is my first official post of putting out on TIP. And I know it sounds stupid and no, I'm not trolling this, but is it normal to not miss my husband at all after being gone for 5 days? It is normal to say I would be perfectly fine not kissing him for the rest of my life? Is this just a rut that seems normal to others? Maybe I'm just over analyzing things, but I really don't think that is the case. 
Re: unhappy in marriage
Years ago before i was divorced my xh went to Italy to visit family. When he came back after 10 dyas he asked if i had missed him. I looked at him and said no.
That was the begining of the end.
To this day 11 years later he will still bring that up. He said he knew it was over at that point.
My 2nd H is leaving thur for switzerland for 9 days and I already miss him.
It doesnt sound like a phase for you, it sounds like you are just coming to terms with the end, and that is painful.
Keep going to counseling alone and find out what you really want to do. I'm sure you dont eant to live this way for the rest of your life,
It was hard on my kids(i had 3 little ones) and i put them in counseling immediately! They are almost out of the house now and they are great! My X and i have an amazing relationship and we all have helped each other along the way,.
Enjoying a few days without your husband around is normal. I mean, I'm thrilled when DH has something to do at night and I have the house to myself for a while. But, dreading him coming back or not missing him at all after a week or so is an indication that there are other things wrong.
The fact that this has gone on for as long as it has means it's not a phase. It's ok to fall out of love with someone. Or for your love for someone to change. It's ok to still love someone and realize that you don't want to be married to them anymore.
Your kids will be better off with two happy parents, and you'll be a much better example to them. They're going to know that it's not a happy marriage. Your husband isn't going to stay happy in it forever either if you're pulling back and not communicating.
Honestly, you need to sit him down and tell him you want to get out now before you both start to resent each other more than you already do. You can still work together to raise the kids. You're right though, he does deserve someone who will be happy with him, just as much as you deserve to be with someone who makes you happy. You both sound like good people, I doubt it will be that hard for you to find the right relationships with others.
This sounds like a phase I had last year, but this was also when I thought DH was having an affair (turned out that he wasnt) but anyway, I was pulling away, not wanting sex, kisses, etc, etc. He complained all the time that I dont initiate anything. My DH is a pilot that takes him out of town for weeks at a time. I didnt miss him one bit. I can COMPLETELY relate.
For me personally, things have changed. Once I knew that he didnt cheat on me things started to get better. We went on a long weekend trip together and that is when it all really turned around.
But that is just my story. I know how it is when you feel like you love your DH but arent IN LOVE with him. Definately go to counseling for yourself!! And if you still dont want to stay then it is time to call it quits. Your kids will definately be angry with you if they find out that you stayed with DH for all those years and pretended to be a happy family. Coming from divorced parents, it is much better to see them happy apart! Trust me.
ALSO, my DH still travels for weeks at a time and it is nice when he goes (he just left today actually) because I dont have to watch "his" shows and I can watch as much romance and junk as I want!! BUT, after a while I do miss him and am happy when he comes home.
Thanks for your posts, I appreciate your thoughts and I would say this is a good idea to try...and I thought this last year, that maybe we just needed time to ourselves, so we took a trip to Mexico, but as time got closer, I realized how much I didn't want to go just the two of us. So I asked a friend if she and her DH would want to come with and they decided to go (I didn't tell her why I was inviting them). And thank goodness I did invite them, on the trip, I looked forward to group activities and not our down time of just hanging out in the room or poolside. That was an eye opener for me, that I was on vacay and not wanting to have any "alone" time with DH. Now when he brings up taking trips, I just find reasons why it wouldn't work or jump right to talking about who we could invite to come along with us.
julie324-Yes, I am hopeful the counselor will be helpful in sorting things out as well.
magsugar13-thanks for your post. You're right, I don't want to live this way. If I decide to divorce, I would wish for nothing better than for DH and I to get along well. Granted, that can be very wishful thinking (if DH would rather not get along well), but I would love to still be friends with him (obviously staying friends is super wishful thinking...but just meaning, I still think he's a great guy in general/good dad/etc...just not "my" great guy that I'm over the moon for, so to speak. But I'd like to still have a good relationship with him especially for the kids) How did your ex react? Did you get along ok from the start of the divorce or was it something that came over time?
feinicstine-thanks for your post, and that's what I have just been recently realizing and telling myself, that in the long run, having the kids see happy relationship that are in two homes can be fine and better than seeing one relationship where they don't see that love between their parents.
I see the counselor on Monday, so I'll update. obviously one appt won't be all that is needed, but we'll see what happens. Thanks again for your replies.
Thanks for sharing this
it's good that you are going to counseling. I hope things work out for your family. My exhusband was emotionally abusive and divorce was still hell. Divorce is ugly and so difficult on the children....especially if their lives were fine from their perspective before the divorce. It is even terribly difficult for children that weren't happy before the divorce. I know you will consider your decision carefully.
I wonder what happened to change your feelings? and if it wasn't really any specific terrible events, why can't you're feelings change back? Isn't that what we vow to do when we get married? To keep moving....keep trying....keep working on the marriage in good times and bad. Not just when we feel like it.
Good luck!