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Is husband cheating :-(
Hi ladies
So I have a strong feeling that my husband is cheating on me. We are away from each other a lot, because he is training in a different place than where we live. I see my husband about once every 2 or 3 weeks. I feel that when he calls me at night he doesn't seem too thrilled to talk, or he seem occupied. On the weekend if I call him during the day again I feel he doesn't want to talk. I kinda feel that I can only call him after dinner on the weekends. I kinda feel that when he does come every 2 or 3 weekends it is only for Friday night till Sunday afternoon, he is making plans for us to go out with other couples on that Saturday, or he is always on his mobile phone, texting, Facebook.. etc.
Am I over reacting or is there something their?
Re: Is husband cheating :-(
None of us know your husband or what kind of school he's going through. If it were me, I wouldn't think anything of it.
When my H is off at stressful schools, I don't hear from him much. During the week, I usually either get a text or a short phone call to say goodnight. On the weekends, he wants to unwind and chill out. He'll go fishing or just do something by himself. Alone time is how he recharges. I'm fine with that. He'll call when he can. If I need him for something I call or text.
If you think something is fishy or you are concerned, talk to him. Tell him you feel ignored. Find out why he seems so distant to you. An open line of communication is the only way relationships, especially those in the military, will work. If you can't talk to him about this, what's the point?
Like TX said we don't know your husband or his school responsibilities but calling after class and seeming tired or distracted doesn't surprise me. And if you expect him to call you every day as well then again I'm not surprised the conversation is lacking. When my husband was deployed we only talked on the phone once a week because we would end up sitting on the phone with nothing to say if we had phone conversations more than that. We did email one another daily with little things (small updates, jokes, etc).
As far as coming home Friday through Sunday...again I'm not surprised, I would expect his training to run Monday through Friday and he would want Sunday evening to prepare for the next week.
If you want to spend more time alone as a couple say something to him but be expected to have a plan so he's not scrambling to plan something for you. Also bring up the texting/Facebook issue. My husband also has this nasty habit and I have to remind him to put it away while we're out and I've implemented a no phone at the dinner table rule.
With all this said however it raises a red flag to me that you would assume your husband is cheating. Are there other trust issues in your relationship?
My fianc? and I are living in separate cities right now because I'm in training. We talk to each other once a day (though we might exchange texts during the day), and see each other roughly every other weekend for 2-3 days.
1. I may seem distant to him when we talk because I literally have NOTHING new I can tell him about my day. It was the same as yesterday. Nothing new happened. And he doesn't like it when I get too technically about work-talk, so I try to avoid it. I'm not cheating on him.
2. I don't like talking more than once a day, because we barely have enough stuff to talk about ONCE a day. I mean, I like talking to him once a day so we can catch up and I can ask him about HIS day, and I like telling him that I love him every day, but twice is kind of pushing it. I'm not cheating on him.
3. Sometimes I have to cut our phone calls short because I have a ton of studying that I have to do for my coursework. Yesterday after we talked he kept texting me ("sorry you had a bad day", "can't wait to see you this weekend", "I love you") -- things we had JUST said to each other on the phone. I actually had to text him back, "Need to study, turning my phone off now, I love you" because it was just too distracting. I'm not cheating on him.
4. Sometimes when I go home to visit I like to visit with other friends too. It's my time off from work, and I'm alone most of the time when I'm in training, so sometimes I like to fulfill other social obligations while I'm home. I'm not cheating on him.
I'm not trying to say that he's definitely not cheating on you, but you don't make a very strong case. I know what it's like to be away, in training, stressed, distracted, everything that your husband is right now. And I can COMPLETELY understand why he might be acting the way he is, because I do the same things sometimes, and I am not cheating on my fianc?.
I would recommend you just talk to him about what's going on -- find out if he's stressed or what. DON'T MENTION CHEATING (unless you want to start a fight). Then express your concerns to him, and listen to what he says.
Hope this helps.
My first question would be, "was he like this before he left for training?" How long have you guys been together, have there been other instances that made you question his loyalty, do you have good communication in "normal" situations?
It is entirely possible that he's busy/stressed/tired/doesn't have that much to talk about, as pp said. In and of itself, nothing you posted would make me think he was cheating, unless there are past circumstances we don't know about.
Everything Avion said. We can't know if he's cheating or not, but we DO know that there's a lot of other plausible explanations for this type of behavior.
My FI is in law school, and there are days he gets annoyed because I try to text him too much during the day and will tell me he can't talk, and when he comes home at night, sometimes he doesn't want to be touched or talked to and just wants to veg out and play video games. Often he comes home and goes immediately in the other room to call women, and he gets texts from women at all hours of the night.
You'd think I'd be jealous and suspicious, right? Not at all. He studies an awful lot, and works really hard on his student organizations, so this is just how he deals with all that stress sometimes. The women he calls are the executive board of the law review he heads, and they are students so many of them keep odd hours and are correcting papers in the middle of the night and know that he'll respond to texts in the morning. And because he's so good at what he does, they often come to him with their many dramas in their roles (they used to come to him with personal issues, too, but I asked him to avoid those as it blurs the line of professionalism... even more than 2am texts about law review!).
It took me awhile to understand why he did what he did and be totally comfortable with it. We discussed what I needed (for him to say "love you" when he's being dismissive helps a lot, for whatever reason, with any insecurities I have - so "can't talk right now. love you" is a text I get often!) and he told me why it was he couldn't talk and why he had to take calls from these women and what they were talking about.
Just talk to your guy about your concerns - I agree, don't mention cheating - and see what he has to say.
Hi Avion
I may be out of line, but after reading all of these comments, do you think your fianc? thinks that you are cheating on him. It sounds like you and Cathy have the same situation going on with being away from your partner a lot. How does your fianc? act about you being away a lot?
I think you are incorrectly reading into what Avion posted. She isn't saying her
FI thinks she is cheating on her. She is comparing the OP's interpretation of her H's behavoir with her own situation and giving the OP another way to look at it. She is saying this is how my behavoir is similar to your H's and why I behave that way. It's another perspective for the OP to look at.
And that was coffee out my nose. Thanks Hilly.
Also, OP. There, not their.
Everything she said.
It's a little thing called trust. Most good relationships have it. Being away doesn't equal cheating, and anyone who jumps to that conclusion immediately likely has a jealousy issue or is insecure in their relationship.
No, he doesn't. At least I'm pretty sure he doesn't. He understands that I'm really busy and stressed out right now, and that when my training is done and I move back home things will change (we won't have to rely on phone calls, texts, and 48 hour visits).
Like PP said, I was just trying to demonstrate that the actions OP described could have absolutely nothing to do with cheating.
I relate a lot to Avion with talking on the phone. I miss H while he's at training, but my God, sometimes there just isn't enough going on to be on the phone for more than half an hour. Also, I hate talking on the phone (H knows this).
I'm in agreement with the others; it sounds like there might be more going on to make you jump to the conclusion that he's cheating. You need to sit down and talk to each other because it sounds like there's some miscommunication regarding expectations here.
For me, having him come home Friday-Sunday whenever he's able is a sign that he's not cheating. It means he'd rather be home with you than anywhere else. As for making plans for Saturday night with other couples, maybe he's just social and misses other people as well as you? Especially if you're not being left at home when he goes out with them.
I think other people covered phone calls pretty well and their experiences mirror my own.
If H stopped talking my ear off, I'd be worried. But I'd be mostly worried that he had a personality transplant, not that he was cheating. When we're apart, we can spend 2 hours a day on the phone, and that's with me barely saying anything.
But, my situation is not yours, and I have no idea what it means in your relationship. I think it's normal for people to not talk on the phone a lot, and it's normal to want to see other friends, and it's normal to want alone time. That you're jumping to assume it's cheating if more concerning than his actions. What makes you suspicious of that rather than any other explanation?