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Possibly Flameful.
I briefly talked to H last night. He had been released from jail and had gone back home (200 miles away) and was at his parents' house. I really only wanted to talk to him to gauge whether he was in his right mind, as warped as that mind may be.
A*shole had the nerve to ask me to drop the charges because he didn't want it to mess with his deployment or prevent him from getting a full time job with the Guard, and then tell me that I've already cost him $2000 in bail money.
Obviously I'm not trying to be mean or spiteful, but he stalked me and then attacked me. He choked me with both hands, causing one of my ear piercings to bleed and making me bite the inside of my cheek pretty badly. He did what he did, and if he was so irrationally angry, I don't understand why he chose to follow me home instead of removing himself from the situation.
I don't want his life to be messed up either, but a huge part of me thinks that if I try to drop the charges, he will just never "get it." He is still wanting to blame everything on me and not wanting to take responsibility for the decisions he made that lead up to his attacking me. He honestly thought that he was just going to be able to put his hands on me and that there would be no repercussions, but "he wouldn't have done that under any other circumstances, so he hopes I can understand."
I know you ladies won't have any sympathy for douch*bag, and that's why I'm posting this.
Re: Possibly Flameful.
No. No no no no no no no NO! His mistakes are no longer your problem. Do you hear me? NOT your problem anymore. (keep repeating that to yourself, it's liberating, trust me)
This man needs to pay for what he did. I honestly believe that if you drop the charges that he may come after you and kill you. Do you realize how dangerous this man is?! He choked you after you went out with a friend. He could have killed you!
His deployment and career are no longer your problem. Your life and your safety are. Do NOT drop the charges against him. Stay strong or he will do it again, and next time it will be worse. Stop talking to him. If the police or DV counselors have not advised you of this, I'm telling you--STOP TALKING TO HIM NOW!
Are you in therapy? If not, you need to go ASAP. Please call the National Domestic Abuse hotline if you need more resources for yourself 1--800-799-7233.
I'm glad you posted. My words are out of love and concern so please stay strong and stick around here for support. Talk to your friends and roommates and family about how you feel. They will help you keep up the strength you need during the next phases of the process. ((hugs))
Not dropping the charges will be the biggest favor you can do for him, in the long run.
Don't think of it as "ruining his life". Think of it as saving his life. And other people's lives.
Thank you. I will be calling this number today.
My line of thinking is that it would go the opposite way. If his deployment and his military career go down the drain, I'm afraid that he would have nothing to lose and he would see it as my fault.
Just to give you something to think about, XH is active duty military. As much crap as he's done( ie. walking out on us, hooking up with a 17 yr old and having her live at our old apartment, not pay child support for 5 months and knock up his current gf while still married to me) he is still in the Army but all his money goes to myself and his first wife. They haven't done anything to him. He lost rank for 3 months then got it back. I wouldn't keep his career in your thoughts because more than likely they won't do anything.
Do not drop the charges!
You didn't cost him $2,000 in bail money - he did it to himself! He chose to stalk you. He chose to choke you! Now he has to deal with the negative consequences.
If this effects his job, oh well! He should have thought about that BEFORE he put his hands on you.
Please stop talking to him, he will continue to try and guilt you. You did the right thing by pressing charges.
Stay strong!
There are certain people who will blame anyone but themselves for the consequences of their actions. You can't let this control your life. My XH views everything as my fault, including his addictions ("If you had sent me to rehab it wouldn't have gotten so bad"). There's nothing you can do to stop him from blaming you, but you should not keep that from doing what you need to do.
We're here for you. Please update when you can. Do not let this man control your life just because he is at the brink of ruining his own. He is not your problem anymore. ((hugs))
I know things vary from state to state but I don't think you can drop the charges of domestic abuse. This is a way to protect the abused.You don't know how he will do if you drop the charges and the outcome could be way worse.
Here is what I found online about dropping charges.
One of the most frequent questions we get is "I'm the vicitm, can't I drop the charges?". The simple answer is: no, you can't. Crimes are considered to be committed against ALL members of society, not just the immediate victim. Once a criminal act is reported to authorities, they have a duty to act accordingly. Being the victim of a crime doesn't give the the victim the right to say that it was ok for the crime to be committed.
Thirty years of research shows that domestic violence is one of the most frequently repeated crimes, and that those crimes tend to increase in severity over time. Prosecutors would rather deal with cases early on, rather than have to prosecute a murder charge down the road. Prosecutors are also the ones dragged over the coals by the media and friends and family of victims when cases are dropped and the victim is later re-victimized or killed. In other words, if the state thinks they have enough to build a case, expect that they will do so. The stronger their case, the less likely they are to offer a plea bargain.
<a href="http://s941.photobucket.com/albums/ad259/laurens1122-bfp/?action=view
Also, look at this Violence Wheel--notice any patterns? This was very eye opening to me. These are the reasons to stop talking to him. He will only continue with his actions but in some different form (guilt, suicide threats, putting you down, blaming you, making you feel bad for bail money spent, threatening not to give you money in the divorce, etc)
http://www.domesticviolence.org/violence-wheel/
Thank you for this. I was aware that the state may still choose to prosecute even if I did try to drop the charges.
He has stated more than once that because I wanted to leave the marriage, I didn't deserve anything. The night the assault happened he even told me that my bank account is full of money I don't deserve. Somehow in his warped mind he thinks that because I was done taking his sh*t that everything is his. Apparently I just deserved to be booted out with not even two nickels to rub together. I swear it wasn't until I left that I really found out the kind of man I was married to.
If you drop the charges, and your ex dates/marries another woman, and things don't work out and he chokes her, abuses her, kills her, you should consider yourself responsible for that b/c you will have taught him that he is not responsible for his actions and there are no consequences to abusive behavior. Can you live with THAT?
You are right. I knew that he showed some abusive behavior throughout our relationship, but I never thought he would be violent with me.
I used to love him. Now all I can think about when I think of him are his hands around my neck. I will never understand what could make someone think that was ok.
No! No! Don't you back down!
He did this, not you, it's no way no how not at all your fault so it's not up to you to shield him from the consequences. This is the same bullsh!t that XH, and so many other abusers, tried to pull. Like this happened to them out of the blue. In fact, now that I think about it... while XH was choking me and his son watched, he said "You've ruined, my life, you b!tch. My son knows, I'll lose my job because of you." Wrong!!
This needs to be on record because he's going to do it again. And when he does it to the next girl, if you dont stick to your guns then it could go down as his first offense. And that's not fair cause it's not the first time.
Also, FWIW, I don't even think you can drop the charges. This isn't a civil suit, it's a criminal charge, right?
Aww, LookingUp... ((so many hugs)) I am so sorry this is what you're going through. This could have been written by me 8 months ago, almost word for word. It's so hard and it's so confusing. I honestly look back at that as the worst day/week/time in my life. It will get better, you can work through it - please stay strong, stay away from him! Abusers are manipulative. Don't talk to him. I promise it helps. And keep us updated... I really want to know how you're dealing!
He could have killed you. Honestly. He needs to realize what he did and you need to show him you are strong and will not tolerate this violent behavior.
I live in a quiet city (population around 50K). A college kid stabbed his ex-gf to death a couple months ago because she was dating someone else.
Thank you guys for helping me through this. I seriously don't know what I would do without this message board. In real life it's like I don't even know who I can talk to about it outside of my immediate family and super-close friends. I haven't even told my friend that walked me out to my car that night. The way it happened was just so crazy, and I feel crazy talking about it. I'm afraid that people will push me away because they think I'm crazy or they just won't want to get involved.
I know I need to get back into therapy. I just feel so overwhelmed and it's like I don't even know where to start. I loved my therapist before I moved; I wish I could tell her what I'm going through.
I'm just a lurker, and I don't post on this board because I'm not "starting over" but I just felt the need to pop in here. I remember your original post about this incident, and I really just want to tell you that you are doing the right thing by not dropping those charges. He physically attacked you, there need to be consequences for his actions.
I am so sorry you are going through this, I can't even imagine how scary that situation must have been for you. You WILL get through this, and you are going to be much better off without a violent man in your life.
MCC, I didn't get the chance to call today. I actually ended up taking a four and a half hour nap. I was doing so well before this happened, and now I just feel like I want to go to bed until this is over.
I definitely need to talk to somebody though. Tonight my parents called me and tried to tell me that I "need" to go down to the station and drop the charges. So now I'm dealing with cutting them out of my life as well.
I know I will be so happy and so much better off when all this is over. It's just hard to see through the fog.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
I'm sorry, but as a survivor and an advocate, this is NOT okay. His behavior is NOT her responsibility in any way, shape, or form. AT ALL.
OP - I'm going to continue my standard "ditto mint" on this post, but please do whatever will make you safest in this situation, and please do call the # that mint shared. If nothing else, they'll provide an ear for you to share your thoughts and fears with as you work through what you decide to do.
"You don't get to be all puke-face about your kid shooting your undead baby daddy when all you had to do was KEEP HIM IN THE FLUCKING HOUSE, LORI!" - doctorwho
What the...???? Your parents are telling you that??? I think your parents and my parents need to have a "gtfo of our lives" gtg (mine recently wanted me to go to the funeral of the relative who abused me as a child, because "he'd changed").
Please do try and find the time to make the call first thing tomorrow, and if you ever just want to vent, feel free to pm me.
You WILL get through this. It's hard, and it hurts, but you will survive it. ::HUGS::
"You don't get to be all puke-face about your kid shooting your undead baby daddy when all you had to do was KEEP HIM IN THE FLUCKING HOUSE, LORI!" - doctorwho
Yep. My dad actually told me that H doesn't deserve to have the rest of his life messed up because of a "two second mistake." Nice, right? Then my mom proceeded to text me and say hateful things about my roommate (who is also my best friend) and her mom who have been here for me throughout this whole divorce ordeal.
My parents are a huge part of all of the issues I have today. My body image issues have played a huge role in my life, and they stem from my parents.
A therapist once told me that I've never had anyone close to me in my life who loved me unconditionally. He said that if I ever did, I probably wouldn't even know what to do with that love. And I agreed. It's true. And I guess after I moved back here I was just hoping they had changed.
But after all this sh*t, I'm finding that I DO in fact have people who love me unconditionally, and care about me, and have my best interest at heart no matter what. People who would never put me down, or point out my flaws, or try to exert some sort of control or power over me, or be embarrassed by me for any reason.
I'll get through this. And I will be a better person and my life will be richer for it. I just need to grieve.