Sex & Romance
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Sex issues (obvi)..is it too late to save our intimacy?
Okay, heres our issue: DH and I are young. 24 and 25. Work. No kids. Busy schedules but minimal stress. Been married about a year. Now the familiar part: DH is not initiating sex as often as I'd like. In between two leases, we spent two months living with our parents. As soon as our new place was available, our sex life picked right back up (it was awesome actually!) Then, the same situation happened about 4 months later and we stayed with my parents for 5 weeks. Now were in our new place, and all of a sudden DH can't last long enough to have sex. He can't even thrust. That would probably be a stamina issue, but he only wants to have sex about once a week, so his endurance obviously isn't increasing. Obviously, this has created dissatisfaction on my part. I know it was a mistake, but this has led to accusatory remarks on my part. Everythig I initiate, he thinks it's "cheesy" and that "it should happen naturally". Now it's kind of a tense issue between us, which I'm worried could be detrimental to our intimacy in the future. Basically, I feel frusterated, guilty, and a little unwanted at the same time. If were having this issue now, I'm really worried about when we have kids getting in the way someday. Where do we go from here?
Re: Sex issues (obvi)..is it too late to save our intimacy?
Hey there,
I don't think its too late for you guys to work on your intimacy.
From my experience, the accusatory remarks won't do you any good. It will put him on the defensive and he REALLY won't want to get intimate with you. Obligation = not sexy
Don't make him feel pressured. The best thing you can do is not let it bother you. Sex life goes in cycles and changes. Focusing too much on it will just make the situation worse and will make you stressed out and resentful, which guys can usually pick up on as it seeps into your relationship.
Take care of yourself. Make yourself look pretty every day. Trust me he will notice if you put in some extra effort to look sexy. Get busy! Go out with friends, and not to sound cheesy but in fact do, "let it come naturally." Just be happy and independent. The guy will come to you. If you don't let it bother you, he will feel more relaxed and thus more likely to initiate.
Then there's always the option of leaving a naughty video open on his laptop for him to find
Cheers,
- L
Wow... there was awhile in my relationship where I would've been thrilled to be getting it on at LEAST once a week. Like PP said, sexual activity usually goes in waves, depending on how stressed you both are, how you're both feeling, etc.
I'm curious about how you initiate though... it's possible that what you think is awesome and obviously sexy just puts the pressure on him to immediately find you sexy - whether he has a headache, is exhausted or just plain not feeling in the mood. A slower approach might be better, especially if you stop putting the emphasis on sex and put more of an emphasis on the intimacy that you say is your top priority.
Why not have a romantic bubble bath? Or give him a sensual massage? Or even just snuggle up and start making out with him? And let him know, from the moment you suggest it, that you don't want the encounter to end in sex. That it's JUST about being together and touching each other and enjoying each other's company/bodies, but that you don't want to have sex at the end of it. That'll help build intimacy which will probably held build more natural moments where satisfying sex can and will happen.
But if you're ambushing him at the door with a whipped cream bikini after he's come home from a hard day's work, I can see where he might feel too pressured to perform and wish that things could just happen more spontaneously becauase you're BOTH in the mood rather than because you're horny and want it NOW.
<a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="D
DH and I went through a period where we were lucky if we did it once a month. My hormones (BCP) were to blame. Try making out and just touching. It's natural and feels good (which could lead to other things). BTW... we've been married less than 2 years and in our mid-late 20's.
Also... if he's tired... maybe after work rather than right before bed? Or get drunk. That's always fun.
Hey girl so i am feeling exactly the same. My boyfriend wont put the effort in our sex life. Its very frustrating. Ever since i moved in with him Im lucky if we have sex once a week. The sad part is that he knows about my concern and me wanting more but doesnt seem to want to initiate or come to bed when i ask him to. Hes always stuck in front of the t.v! Im not sure what to do..
But I think what you need to do is really talk with your man. It could be that hes tired or stressed out. But who isnt?? If it goes on for more than 3 months i believe its something that needs attention and communication. Does your guy know how important and how much you feel about the situation??
let me know, Im gonna try to figure out my situation as well..
Good luck to us!
Chanel
Thanks Ladies!
Chanel, I have brought it up with him many times, but it appears the best thing to do is to just stick it out and let it come naturally. We've been intimate much more lately, and I think the reason is because I stopped worrying about it so much, and he stopped feeling so much pressure.
I find that there are peaks and valleys to an intimate relationship. I've definitely been there too!
I also heard from my husband that he was less than thrilled when I initiated anything, because he thought it was cheesy. I started doing a lot of things that made me feel better about myself and I noticed he was naturally more attracted to me when I felt better about myself. Then I could get to the point where I felt confident enough to just say "take off your pants" and he was ready to go!
Don't give up hope, you guys are so young and this happens to EVERYONE at some point. You'll get through it!
I think you just have to find a balance between letting him know you'd like it more often and pressuring him.
With my FI, he's incredibly busy (5am-8pm Monday-Saturday, in bed by 10pm) so it's hard to find time, and when we do it often feels like we have to 'use it or lose it' which creates pressure for him to perform on demand.
Personally, the thing that works best is to just not think about it too much. When I feel like I'd like sex a bit more often, I use a vibrator in the shower. It takes care of the immediate need, and to be honest, the idea for him that I take care of myself is enough for him to want to 'do it himself'. Haha, silly I know, but it's true! So it serves a dual purpose. This isn't true for all guys - some feel insecure knowing their girl doesn't 'need them', but it's all about what works for you.
For us, if I try overly hard to be 'sexy', he'll call it cheesy too. But if we do it playfully or teasing, like a pillow fight or just being goofy usually turns into something more intimate quickly!
Good luck!
This just sounds like a common cause of Love Language. Basically put, I won't shell out the sex unless my husband does things to arose me. And I get arosed by going on dates, laughing, enjoying life. I don't get aroused by sitting at home on the couch or coming home after work and just wanting to do the deed.
You are young. His sex drive will pick up in a few years and right when it does, yours will go down. It happens, and that's life.
My brother in law doesn't like having sex with his wife either, he just doesn't want it. He's not cheating on her or anything of that sort. It's just people speak different love languages.
Maybe start doing the stuff that you guys use to do before you got married, maybe that will help him.
Speaking of Love Languages - try this quiz. You can both figure out your love languages and get weekly emails to give you ideas for the other person:
http://www.lovelanguagechallenge.com/
My DH and I have almost the exact same issue. I want sex a lot more than he does. We're both in our mid 20s. There are times when he can't finish-which frustrates him, and there are times I'm ready to go and he's tired-which frustrates me.
We've talked about this before with each other and have come to a solution. We are now not allowed to turn down the other's advances. But, if we do, it has to be for a legitimate reason. Those reasons: literally falling asleep, people knocking at the door. I have to be able to read his mood and body language and he has to read mine. Because there were times I wasn't in the mood and he was literally pawing at me. Finally I told him no when he did that and he began to get the idea.
When I tried to initiate in our first year together, I generally got turned down, which made me feel crappy. So I did it to him and he got a bit of a taste of how it felt. But by then he was ready to talk and so was I. Now we're more open about what we're feeling and when we want to be intimate.
I wish you luck! As someone who's been there, I know how you feel. My DH still doesn't want to have a lot of sex, but when we do...it's mind-blowing. Can't have it all, but you gotta take what you can get and talk it out with each other.
Megan