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What your REA does for you
We have been house-hunting with our realtor for approximately one month. Both FI and I are trying to determine if she is really in this with us or if she's not as motivated as she could be in helping us find our first home. This REA came highly recommended to us by a friend.
We put an offer on a house that was almost perfect for us and we lost the offer only because we asked for more seller contributions. Before writing up the contract, I did not know that seller contributions existed, but our REA told us it was very typical to ask for 2-3% seller contributions even in a bidding war situation. It cost us the house. Now she tells us perhaps we should wait until we "don't need seller contributions" because in a competitive market, it will always cost us the house. 
Again, would have never asked for them had we not been advised to.
Since homes have been going under contract so quickly in our area (within 6-12 hours at times), we've had to make almost instantaneous decisions about putting an offer down with the $100 option fee to where we can withdraw it later. This just happened with us and we both feel like perhaps our REA is frustrated with us.
Basically, we're not sure what to do. What do you expect from your REA? What does a great REA-client relationship look like?
Re: What your REA does for you
I'd go with someone else. Your REA needs to realize that a house is probably the biggest purchase of your life, and if she isn't guiding you correctly, you need someone who will.
We were recommended someone from a very good friend, but this REA is not a good fit for us. Don't feel bad if you end up going with someone else.
However, do go based upon other recommendations or doing your own research. You probably knew that already.
Expectations: That she will earn her commision by being a proactive communicator with us and with anyone who expresses interest in buying our home. That she has a strong sales record, leading her office in sales for the past 12 months, which reveals her dedication and drive. And, that she will do whatever we ask of her as long as it is legal and ethical.
Look Like: With our's it's like a professional friendship. We get along, we like each other, we trust each other and we believe that she "has our backs."
In our area it IS totally common for sellers to pay what we call "closing costs" for buyers. And, I cannot say your agent misadvised you when you made your offer. But, if the seller got another offer that didn't require any closing costs, for whatever reason, it would be more financially prudent for them to take that offer over your's because it saves them money. So, you could save to cover your own closing costs. But, I do dislike how she flip-flopped on her postion with you. That would bother me.
As far as what the relationship looks like, I think it's a two way street. An REA should be your advocate and advise you when you need it. In a competitive market, they should be savvy enough to get you the best shot at closing the deal. Your responsibility is to have all of your ducks in a row: pre-approvals, a clear understanding of what you want and what you can afford, etc.
As a fellow buyer in a competitive area, I can understand your frustration and it doesn't sound like your agent is on their game. If you told her you said you didn't need seller assist and were then told to wait until you didn't need it, it sounds like you're not being listened to. It is best to leave seller assist out in a competitive situation. Even if you're bidding an amount that accommodates it (e.g. bidding $103,000 on a $100,000 house with 3% back for closing) to help cover your costs, a lot of listing agents worry about the house appraising at that higher level.
I can tell you that I stalk realtor.com all day and let my agent know if anything comes on the market that I want to see that evening. She gets it scheduled and comes prepared with paperwork. If we make an offer, she goes back to the office and puts it all in that night. She's very skilled at strategy and knows how to play things. We've been in two bidding wars that we lost and neither was her fault. One we lost because someone came and put 75% down on the house and the other we lost because the sellers were crazy and didn't actually want to sell their house. Each time I felt like her guidance helped us put in our best possible offer and that there was not one thing we could have done to change the outcome.
Agents are human and you're probably not the only client this agent is working for. If you're in contract with the broker I would call and ask for a new agent who might be a better fit. Most companies will happily honor this request to keep a customer.
Thanks for the feedback!
We definitely know the relationship with our REA is a 2-way street. We came prepared with a pre-approval letter, I read several books and blogs on first-time home buying so we would have at least some understanding of the process, a clear budget, location desires, we have surveys printed out for each house we view, etc.
I also stalk the MLS listings several times a day and e-mail houses we are interested in to our REA.
After using the option period and backing out on the house we had to quickly put an offer on, I feel like she is not focused on us at all anymore.. I absolutely know we are not her only client, nor are we exactly the biggest budget she's ever worked with (probably one of the smallest).
I just can't tell if its time to find someone else or if we give her more time.
I would find someone else. In a hot market you really need someone in your corner who is bringing their A-game. You're being totally reasonable and doing your part and she's not. We pulled out of our first contract too, and our agent was fine with it. She never makes me feel like I'm annoying her or that I'm a low priority. I can't imagine going through such a stressful process with someone who was less supportive.
I agree with the other posts and advice. The only thing I would add is why don't you ask for a brief meeting with her. Talk a bit about strategy for your next offer (before you are expected to write one) and also let her know that you are a little disappointed and confused about your working relationship. It may be able to work out. If not, move on. When you do move on, tell her clearly that you are going to work with someone else. Don't let her think she is still working with you.
Sorry for the frustrations & good luck!
Lighthouse State Beach, Santa Cruz.