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Feeling torn about new marriage
I've spent some time reading through this board, trying to figure this out without posting something. The more I read, the more I just feel like crying. (I'm so so sorry about how long this is - I just kept typing and couldn't stop, it just kept flowing out).
My husband and I got married a few months ago. We've been together for about 7 years, started dating in high school. For the last few years of our relationship, all I wanted was to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him. I was happy, I was comfortable, but I was anxious to get our lives started. Our relationship was mainly long distant (due to college), so we spent a lot of time apart. We talked on the phone multiple times a day - he was my best friend and I felt so close to him, even though we weren't together very often.
A year ago, we got engaged and bought a house together. We moved in, and things were crazy - making our house a home, preparing for a wedding, etc.
Then we got married, and things were good for a little. But over the past few months, I've felt...ugh, I don't even have a word for how I feel. Unhappy, trapped, sad? I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. I don't feel attracted to my husband at all, I don't want him to touch me or be close to me. I'm happy when he's out of town, or when I get to work late, or when he goes to bed early and I can be alone. I don't feel like talking to him, or arguing with him, or doing anything for him. I know he feels that something is up. He's been extra nice - he put the dishes away for me yesterday (something I normally do), he compliments me all of the time. I appreciate it, but it makes me feel nothing.
I've spent the past few days thinking about our relationship together, and it just makes me sad. About two years ago, we got into a huge fight about how he was angry all of the time, and I almost left him until he finally realized what he was doing and apologized. Now I'm sitting here thinking...if only I had left him then. One of the biggest reasons that I didn't was because of his family - I love them so much. Lately though, I've been losing that feeling towards them too, and only seeing their faults. And seeing how much my husband is like them. He makes me feel like I'm not intelligent, like my opinion doesn't really matter, like my job means nothing.
I used to want to grow old with him, to have kids with him. Now I keep thinking...well, he'll be a great dad, so what if I don't love him like that? And that makes me so, so sad. We used to talk about me being a stay-at-home-mom when we have kids - I think about that now and I panic. Being home all day with the kids, having to clean and cook and be a housewife for my husband - when I feel this way about him? It makes me miserable to think about spending a good part of the rest of my life like that.
I have this horrible heavy feeling in my heart whenever I think about all of this (which is all of the time lately). He's really an amazing guy. (Of course, every time I think about something great about him, I think about something negative). He deserves someone who loves him and cares about him, unconditionally. Looking back over our relationship, I find myself remembering all of the times he annoyed me and I just ignored it and told myself that I loved him. I find myself remembering all of the times I thought, he's totally not who I thought I would end up with. I find myself realizing that I've never really enjoyed an intimate, sexual relationship with him. We started dating so young, neither of us having had a real relationship before. We've only had sex with each other. I used to love that; now I feel like it's a mistake. Only one person for the rest of my life, and I don't even want to sleep with him?
I don't know what to do. I think after reading some posts on here, I'm going to talk to a counselor/therapist. I feel like I want out, but how can that be okay? I have everything I've wanted for the past few years; he's given me everything. We have a great home, we're married, great friends, great family - why am I not happy? I thought about talking to my mom about this - we're really close - but she's dealing with health issues and I feel like this would just stress her out. Plus she just spent so much money on this wedding, betting that we would be together forever, how can I change my mind now? I thought it was what I wanted, I thought that I was happy. How can I just say that I want out? What happens then? Sell the house, split our stuff, move in with my parents? While I feel unhappy and disconnected and want to get away from my husband and this life, it is so hard to imagine a life different from this, a life where I don't see him every day. Even while I'm so annoyed with him, he's still a part of my every day. I'm so torn. I feel like a failure. I feel like no one would speak to me. I don't want to disappoint my family or his family. How do I explain that I changed my mind? When it was all it seemed like I wanted? Was I just fooling myself, convincing myself that this was all perfect? What if I was in love with this idea of getting married, having the cute house and all, and my husband was just a vehicle to get there?
What if there's no one else out there? What if we get divorced, and I realize too late that it's a mistake? I feel like I've invested so much time in this relationship, how can I just give it up now? But what if I stay with him and feel this way forever? How can I have children feeling this way? I feel like there's something more for me out there but what if this is it? This is the rest of my life?
I don't freaking know what to do. I don't know what I want. I can't talk to anyone. All of my friends think we have this perfect relationship. What do I do?
Re: Feeling torn about new marriage
You know what to do. Talking to a counselor is a good first step. The truth is that being unhappy is a good reason to change things. It's enough. The fact that you are so disconnected isn't exactly fair to him either, you know. You deserve to feel happy and confident in your relationship and he deserves someone that wants to be with him.
eta- I somehow missed that you've only been married for a couple months and I have a few questions.
How long have you been married?
Where do you live? His town? Your town? New place altogether?
Does you have a life apart from him? Do you have a job? Friends? Hobbies?
Have you talked to him about any of this?
The truth is that you are allowed to change your mind. Unhappiness is more than enough. You could probably even get your marriage annulled if you wanted to. However, it is worth looking into the possibility that there are other things that are making you discontented with life right now.
I have seen this issue with many friends of mine. It seems to be common to date in high school, do the long distance thing during college, and then move in with each other after they graduate. It's not until that point that they realize this is not what they want for the rest of their lives for whatever reason. It is really hard to break up with someone you've been with for so long. It can get messy when you know each others' families so well and have a lot of mutual friends. In most of their cases, they mostly stayed together because they didn't have a "reason" to break up. Sometimes it can feel harder to break up with someone you are incompatible with than say a cheating douchebag, but that doesn't make it any less of a valid reason. Anyway out of those that broke up or divorced, I don't know a single one that regretted their decision.
I've noticed a lot of people on here say you know when you are done. This post screams done to me. It will be much easier now to do what you need to do than be happy for the rest of your life or divorcing with children involved. I think talking to a therapist will be good for you to figure out your thoughts. IMO it's usually not a good idea to get family involved with marital issues. An unbiased person like a therapist seems like a much better option.
We've been married about four months. We live in our town, we both grew up here, went to high school here. I have a job that I love. Most of my friends live in other cities/states - the friends that are here are both of our friends (other couples), but mainly his (the guys). Throughout our relationship, we haven't really made separate friendships besides those that we still have from high school.
I don't know how to talk to him about this. We used to be so open about everything and I'm not sure when that changed. I feel selfish because when I think about talking to him about it, all I can think about is all of the things I want him to change about himself - but that's not fair, to make him change who he is. He's not a bad person, he's just not what who I want him to be.
I think I'll definitely be looking into a therapist asap.
I am meh on these dated in high school then did long distance due to college "relationships."
Is it really a relationship? You were long distance; how much of an up close and personal exposure did you have to him?
When you date in high school, it is completely different than dating as an adult. And you will change a lot between the ages of 18 and your mid 20s. (it's entirely possible you've outgrown each other and unfortunately you found this out in the wrong time and the wrong place; after you got married.)
If you've only been married for four months is it possible that you're just settling in and getting used to your new normal? A lot happened for you, you bought a house, got engaged, planned a wedding and then got married. Now you're just another married couple living your day to day lives. Could it be that without something exciting happening in your lives you're feeling discontented and directing those feelings towards your marriage?
On the other hand, it is really possible that you two have grown in to different people who are basically incompatible.
Anyway, just my two cents. I'd definitely talk to a therapist to get to the bottom of this.
You're 20-something and in a high school relationship. Of course you've outgrown each other. The whole high school sweetheart thing is overromanticized. It's rare for it to work out, it really is.
Definitely seek out a counselor to help you organize your thoughts and get started on the next steps. Starting over isn't that scary once you're in the middle of it.
I would see a therapist or counselor for a while, before making any big decisions. I would go by myself first probably to sort out my own feelings. Then I would probably try marriage counseling, to see if that helped. If you'd been unhappy for years I would tell you get out now, but as others have said you've been through a lot of huge changes lately, and it may just feel weird to not be focusing on or working towards accomplishing anything specific right now. Make the decision that you feel will make you the happiest, and it will be the right one.
You're both still young, so if it turns out that your differences are irreconcilable, it's better to cut ties sooner rather than later, by which time you will have developed bitter feelings towards one another by depriving each other of "what might have been."
JMO - but you sound depressed. I think the counselor is a good idea. It will help you figure out what you want. I would also think about seeing a doctor. When everything in life you used to want changes (and it sounds like *everything*) and there isn't a *real* reason, it is usually depression.
I don't know if you have ever been depressed before, but there is a feeling that comes with depression that feels different than a normal "sad" you might feel on a daily or weekly basis (when something sad happens). It is a sense of "hopelessness" where it feels like nothing is getting better. Like everything is bad and it is only going to get worse. There is no light in life, you don't get excited or happy or look forward to things in your future you used to get happy about. Also there is no hope that anything will change or get better.
But that is a "trick". You can get better. It will feel better. There is hope.
I feel it in your post. I don't know you personally or your situation, but that is the feeling I have.
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
You've had a ton of major transitions lately. It seems like it should be exciting, and it sounds like a lot of it has been, but it is also hugely stressful and that stress catches up with the best of us. You might be depressed, or just suffering from too many changes all at once. Give yourself a year to try to get used to the new normal and re-evaluate after that. Hopefully it goes without saying that you shouldn't get pregnant... even once your marriage gets back on track, you really don't need another major life change so soon.
The last 4-5 years of this relationship have been all about the anticipation. Of getting to see each other regularly, of living together, of getting married, etc. With all that time to imagine how wonderful it was going to be, rather than enjoying the simple pleasures of one another's company, it would be hard for real life not to be a disappointment.
And that's with assuming that you even are still capable of enjoying one another's company, which is a big assumption. Most high school relationships were never meant to last, but you guys had the additional strain of an LDR during some pretty formative years. Doing that for 4 years certainly shows determination, but at the same time, when you are LD, you don't have to deal with each other the way normal couples do. You didn't have to like each other the way normal couples do. You didn't have to communicate about the same stuff you have to communicate about now. For LD, you have to like talking on the phone, or texting, or whatever, but how much time does a normal married couple spend talking on the phone to one another? To be married, you have to like being in the same room, the same bed, etc. It's different, and maybe you just don't belong together that way anymore. That's okay.
Time will tell. Counseling may help. Don't get pregnant. Don't worry about the last 7 years: most people haven't even started looking for a spouse at your age, so you aren't going to be behind on life or anything. Only stay if he's the right one for you.
Oh, and talk to your doctor about trying a different birth control. It sounds like your issues go deeper than a lack of interest in sex, but even a hormonal birth control that used to agree with you can start killing your sex drive after extended use, and it's an easy thing to try. Lack of sex drive can be really hard on a marriage, I think especially a new one.
*cough*cough*points down*cough*cough*
I agree with this - going to a therapist is a great first step. You deserve to be happy, and you can change your mind. It could be that you are just realizing there's more to life, and being married to your HS sweetheart isn't the right thing for you. Or, it could be all that change at once, and you are finally settling into it all (though I suspect it's more than that).
I too am "meh" on HS relationships, long distance then marraige personally. That being said two of my best friends went the same route and they are happily married 11 years later.
Go to therapy, get to the bottom of the issue, and remember that you deserve to be happy - no matter what actions it takes to get there.
You sound depressed and coming down off the marriage/move/its-all-new-high. You might be depressed because its just all caught up to you.
Then again, you may have outgrown your relationship. However, it sounds like you were cool with everything until very recently. So I think you might want to see a therapist to see if it is something treatable.
Unfortunately for you, you owe it to your husband to speak up about how you are feeling. Just let him know that maybe some counseling for you as an individual & the two of you as a couple may help clarify things for you.
However, its only been 4 months. My money is on the settling into your new normal and since its not "ZOMG this is so exciting" you are second guessing yourself.
Good luck.
I think I personally romanticized the whole relationship - HS sweethearts, long-distance - and I did not want to fail at any of it. I wanted to be the ones who made it. I think one of the things that's really getting to me right now is my husbands parents - they started dating in high school/right out of high school, still live in the same town, have this gorgeous family - but I look at their marriage and I don't want to be them. They don't talk, they're mean to each other, they just don't have a good marriage. Not to say that all relationships that start in high school are bad, but I used to want to be like them. Now I'm scared that if we stay together, we WILL be like them - miserable and bitter.
I appreciate all of the advice you've all given. I will definitely be seeing a therapist - I have a lot to get off my chest, and I need to talk it out with someone face to face. I think if I talk it out with someone else, it might make it easier when I talk to my husband. I'll be making an appointment with my doctor too, to talk about a different BC. I've been on the same one for a long time now, so maybe that's contributing to this too. I don?t think I?m depressed ? I?ve dealt with it before and this doesn?t feel like it. I think I?m depressed when I think about my marriage, but not depressed in general. Which is probably also confusing me ? I?m pretty happy with the rest of my life. I love my job, I love spending time with my family and friends. It?s like?if you took my husband out of the equation, everything would be fine.
It does feel weird to not be focusing on something like the house or the wedding, so I can see how that could affect me. When I think of how to describe all of this though?.it?s like the past few years I was in this cloud of wanting to get married, get married, get married. And now here I am, married, and it?s like the cloud is dissipating and I look at my husband and think, ?Holy crap. I married him.? And it?s not a good feeling. I would say that I want to feel the way I used to about him, but I don?t know if I know what that is. Our whole relationship has really been a big rollercoaster in terms of the long distance; what if that was what was so appealing about our relationship? Maybe I/we thrived on the change, on the drama of life being in flux. I know I owe it to myself, to him, to us, to see if we can survive in a normal relationship.
Sillygoose ? what you said really hit home on a lot of points. We didn?t have to communicate about the same stuff and we communicated in a different way ? we talked on the phone all of the time, and I thought that it made us closer because we could communicate so well. But I worry that it just made us really good friends instead.
I had a few friends that dated their SO all during high school and then broke up in college, and used to think that it was because they grew apart during those formative teenage years. But I guess I never thought about how formative 18-22 is as well ? I just thought that we were mature enough to grow up and grow together through college. Most of the time now, I look at him and wonder why he didn?t grow up and I did ? he still seems like the same kid I started dating in high school, while I feel like a totally different woman. I think I feel like I?ve changed. He?s still the same, but I?ve changed, and the person I am doesn?t love him the same way anymore.
Listen, I get it. I married my college sweetheart and spent a lot of time romanticizing that as well. It made a good story. The reality is that our relationship had a shelf life. Once we entered that real world, it was nice to have someone to hold on to during all the changes - we were both scared of being apart and so we clung together. Resentment set in over time, and both our frustrations were borne out of the fact that he really didn't love me. He continued to live the "happy couple" farce for a period of time, but he eventually cracked. It didn't help that he wasn't a good person to begin with, so the crap really hit the fan at the end.
I wish he had ended it far earlier than he did. Hell, I wish I had ended it far earlier than I did. I can't believe I spent 10 years like that.
Like I said, go to counseling and get your head together. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. I also lived a lot of my life trying to emulate other people's "perfect" lives instead of just being the best version of me. There's no happiness to be found there.
At first reading your post you struck me as a "next best thing" type of person. Like you were so focused on getting the life you dreamed of and what we're told we're supposed to want, all the milestones of living together, buying a house, getting married, having kids, that now there is no next thing you're stalling and can't just BE as a couple. Until I got to the part where you said, "He makes me feel like I'm not intelligent, like my opinion doesn't really matter, like my job means nothing." What exactly is he doing that makes you feel that way? That statements makes me think you were so focused on hitting the milestones that you ignored huge red flags and tried to fit a square peg in a round hole.
You have to love yourself enough to trust that you can be happier and fulfilled without him, that your real friends and family who love you will support you, that you can find someone better and will never be able to if you stay together. I have a feeling that if he's really dragged you down this much, friends and family will not be surprised when you split. I have friends who have split where the reaction was "finally" not "omg how could you?' In the end anyone who cares about you wants you to be happy.
If you're being honest with yourself, this relationship had probably been stifling who you really are, your independence and your happiness for a long time. You owe it to yourself to take a chance to find yourself. Not everyone who divorces does it because one person was a jerk, substance abusers, cheater, etc. Some people really truly do divorce because they're not a good fit and staying together would be holding both parties back from the life they deserve.
It's insane how many things people have said that have totally hit home - this was another and I can't thank you enough for it! In a complete drunken rant this weekend (probably a mistake), I told my best friend how I was feeling about all of this. I mentioned how I wish I had known how I felt before we bought the house, got married, etc etc - and she goes, "Uh, you did." She wasn't surprised by the things I said to her. Which makes me wonder how I was so blind to it all.
I was hoping to find a counselor to sort myself out before I said anything to H (very selfish of course, to leave him in the dark about this), but tonight he finally asked me what was wrong. I wasn't ready to tell him...or maybe I was just too big of a coward to tell him...so I kept saying I didn't know what was wrong and that I didn't want to talk about it. He got mad, said that I've been so distant for weeks and he had just about had enough of it. I don't want to hurt him by telling him how I feel, but obviously by being distant and not talking to him, I'm hurting him anyways.
Today was just a weird day for this whole situation - this morning, I got a belated wedding gift from a coworker. This afternoon, another coworker asked if everything was okay with H and I. And then tonight. I just wish this were all over with.