Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
family member in abusive relationship?
So, I will start out on this and say that my cousins husband has never to my knowledge has ever actually hit her. This posting is about emotional abuse.
So the other night my mother, cousin, husband and uncle ( my uncle but not my cousins ) all went out to the bar together.
We closed the bar down and were going to a nearby breakfast place that is open 24 hours. My husband and I drove together, my mom drove by herself and my cousin drove with my uncle.
My cousins husband was waiting outside the bar and stalking her and saw her get into a car with my uncle.
He called her phone (which I had with me) and asked if she needed to be picked up. I said that she was in a car behind me with my mom and that my mother would drive her home. ( At this point I hadn't realized that she was in a car with my uncle and not my mom since me and DH were the first to leave the parking lot)
He followed us all to the restaurant, made her get in the car and took her home.
On his way home he called me to "Come and pick up this dumb slut, I don't want her. She is nothing but a whore"
I said "ummm... okay?" and me and my mother went to go and pick her up.
When we got there he was yelling at her in front of their kids 9,14 (slut, whore, *** etc) and saying that he saw them making out (A DAMN LIE) and that mommy was a cheating whore.
Now, my cousin has known but not worked her self out of denial yet that he has been cheating on her for years. (Found Condoms, Hotel Bills, Etc) And she has decided to stay with him and she has NEVER cheated on him
Somehow he has convinced her that all of this is HER fault and not him over reacting. (She is in her 40's and has known my uncle since she was an early teen) She is sick to her stomach feeling guilty and basically lets him control nearly every aspect of her life.
What the hell am I supposed to say to her? Is it wrong that I don't think I can ever look at her the same way again. As someone who is too weak to stand up to her POS husband? The same night/morning that all of this happened she let him have SEX with her. All I could think is are you even kidding me. ( She says he is asserting his dominance or some other bullshit)
She has this stay together for the kids mindset and doesn't see how she is hurting her kids and not helping them.
I need TONS and TONS of advice. Should I even say anything to her at all? She seems to just want to forget the whole thing which is pretty hard since he has all but completely banned her from seeing us like she is a child. (No more bar, book club etc) She said she is doing what he says to keep the peace but I don't buy it.
Re: family member in abusive relationship?
Abuse is a very difficult thing. And emotional abuse destroys a person. Don't be too quick to judge how she is allowing this to happen because the emotional damage she has sustained is not allowing her to make rational choices.
I am not sure what you can do though. You can be there for her. But you can't make her leave him. I think you should encourage her to get help and let her know you are there for her. BUt that's all you can really do.
Also, is she asking you for advice? Unsolicited advice could push her away.
I think the best thing is to just let her know you support her. Whatever you think needs to be done, she has to be the one to make the decision. I was in a very abusive relationship for years. My friends all tried different approaches. Some were blunt, some were just supportive. I appreciated it all, but I felt so judged by the blunt people. Like, I needed them to understand how hard it was for me to feel like i was worth something. It wasn't as easy as just leaving. And she has kids.
Just listen, support and love her. And be very gentle anything judgemental.
Well, first of all, if this is all you see, just step away now until you're in a more empathetic mindset.
Is it wrong that I don't think I can ever look at her the same way again. As someone who is too weak to stand up to her POS husband?
Husbands should be like Kleenex: Soft, strong, and disposable.
I feel like I'm in a similar position as you, OP. My uncle, I'm pretty sure is emotionally abusive to his wife (who I adore). BUT, she's basically made her choice to stay until the kids are out of the house. Is it the smartest idea? Maybe not, but she thinks having the family together is better for the kids, even if she is unhappy for now.
I think if there were no kids involved, it would be much easier to talk sense into your cousin. But it will be hard to convince her to do anything she isn't ready to do on her own. My suggestion would be to not stop seeing her though. I think him trying to isolate her is dangerous. She has the right to see her family and friends too if she wants. When you do see her, just be sure to be positive, and give her a boost that she probably needs. Help build her confidence back up, so she can stay strong. I don't know if badmouthing her husband is gonna be any help either, as it may cause friction between you and her.
Thanks Everyone! Almost everything you said was what I was feeling or already knew but I was having trouble stepping back. I don't want to be interviewed for some Lifetime or Discovery ID show in 5 years saying "well we all knew something was wrong" but at the same time she is a grown women.
I also should amend my statement of not seeing her the same...
I can't believe he came home and she slept with him. The thought of sleeping with someone who just called me a whore in front of my kids makes me absolutely sick to my stomach. It's not that I suddenly don't like her or that I will treat her differently but it's rather something inside me that asks what kind of issues has she developed from being in this relationship that would make her think that that is okay.
I don't believe in withholding sex as a way to punish your Husband, but that is totally different than sleeping with your husband 2 hours after he called you degrading things in front of your whole family.