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It's Over. I think. Or is it? Ugh.
The title of my post pretty much sums up how I've felt over the last 5 months. On and off, one day I'm done, the next maybe we should work it out, the next I'm done, the next I force myself to see the good in us, the next I'm dwelling on the bad. This will probably get long...sorry.
I'm so sick of the back and forth. I don't know what to do. We've been married almost 5 years, together for 8, have a 3 year old. I've been unhappy on and off over the years, but in the past when I've been unhappy I've been able to 'snap myself out of it' and convince myself it's a phase. Well, about 5 months ago the unhappiness crept back into my life and this time I'm not ignoring it or just shooing it away.
I told DH I'm unhappy. We're on our 2nd therapist now (granted, we only saw the first one about 5 times, and this new one only twice). And I'm seeing someone on my own as well. Here's my problem. I've told H I'm unhappy. Even to the point where he knows at one point I was completely checked out and done. But nothing is changing.
I have to wonder how much effort I'm willing to put in at this point, becasue I feel like I just don't want to try anymore. When we go to therapy, things get great for a day or two after, and then it's right back to the way it was. I feel like he's not trying. And I question at what point do I stop telling him he has to try. I've told him. I don't want to have to keep repeating myself.
One of the things we've talked about a lot in therapy, and one of the problems I have in our marriage is our lack of intimacy, our lack of a connection - it's like we're roommates. We're just parents. We don't have a physical connection, 90% of our conversations revolve around work and our DD.
We can go a month at a time without sex and I'm perfectly fine with that. I don't desire my H that way. So we've talked about more kissing, more hugs, more hand holding, more intimacy in general, and it's like he doesn't even try. About 2 weeks ago we were laying in bed and I said to H, "Just one time a day, hug me". Well, 2 weeks ago and I still haven't received a hug.
Another example, I made this...
http://family4ever88.blogspot.com/2012/01/i-love-you-because.html
thinking it would be a good idea for us. I started it out, by putting it on his dresser, and I told him what it was for, and not to think too hard about it, make it silly little things. He did it at first, wrote something and put it on my dresser, and I responded by doing it back, well he did it twice, so it was my turn last time, and it's now been sitting on his dresser for 2 weeks. I just feel like this is something so silly and stupid, but it just shows the lack of even trying - maybe I'm overreacting on this one?
Granted DH has been working a lot lately, we'll go 2-3 days without seeing each other because he's been working so much, but is that any excuse to let these things slide?
I feel like maybe by the time I'm done and out of it (which I think I'm nearing that point) he'll finally come around and it will be too late. I'm just not sure what to do anymore, do I keep trying, or am I just done? I know old habits are hard to break, but How many reminders does he need, how many times do I need to keep telling him what I need without getting it? And these aren't big things, give me a hug for crying out loud! Show me Im' wanted by you. Show me you care and you love me and you want to make this work (other than going online and ordering me a emailed gift card to VS for Vday) - I've laid it all out there, and it's not changing, so now what? Am I being unrealistic or am I expecting too much here? I just need advice. The back and forth thoughts are too much, I can't do this much longer.
Re: It's Over. I think. Or is it? Ugh.
So, your post called out to me, Im new so Im sorry no intro yet. I have a friend who just went through a similar issue. They too were together 8 years, and married for five (no kids though) and they fell in the same pattern. Roomates and no passion. The things is the unhappy partner told the other one for two years that if it didnt change it would be over. That person did not work on it. They told the counselor stories and acted like they would do what needed to be improved and then went back to same ol same ol when they got home. So when it was announced it was over, that person acted as though they were blindsided. That person was in denial and refused to believe the person would leave, no matter how unhappy the person was. That person is now acting like the victim in it all. It clearly takes two, but you cant make someone do the work if they wont.
Im not sure what you have said or not said. I know you said you told him you were unhappy, but have you clearly laid out what you will do or be forced to do if your needs are not met?
I am sorry you are going through this. You have emotional needs(This is a good thing) but they are not being met by your H which important for successful relationship.
It almost sounds like your H does not do well with emotions himself and does not quite know how to deal with them so they keep getting more hidden away upon pressure. It sounds like He needs individual counseling. The issue seems to be in him and not you since you expressed your needs loud and clear.
The big issue seems to be is if he is willing to go to individual counseling and how willing is he to work on this? Unfortunately, we cannot change anyone and they have to change themselves. If he refuse to try or to work on it, then unfortunately you have your answer.
I think you need to find out if he really wants this and this may mean he has to go through some ugly stuff with an individual counselor(unless he can open up in marriage therapy) before things gets better.
I wish the best for you.
I feel like in therapy I've been pretty up front with him about what I need in our relationship. I've flat out told him I don't feel wanted, and I don't feel like a priority in his life. I've told him I feel like we're roommates, and like we're just together to be parents and nothing else. And I've told him that eventually if this kept up it would mean divorce for me, so I feel like I've been pretty open with him about how I'm feeling.
I agree that he has some things on his end to work out, but I'm at the point where I don't know if I really want to stick around and wait for that to happen. I don't know if that seems harsh or what, but it's a reality for me.
My H doesn't do well with emotions, never has. Up until this unhappiness came about, we've never talked about our relationship, we're talking more now (in therapy) than we ever have in our 8 years together. He has a tendancy to just keep his feelings to himself, which I know about him. And he still has a wall up with me, a protective wall that I completely understand why it's there, but at some point he needs to learn to break it down a bit with me, you know?
I'm sure if I suggested individual counseling to him he'd go, probably unwilingly, but he'd go - he's been good about going to marriage therapy. but if it's something I asked him to do he'd probably do it for me knowing it's what I want.
I feel for you, it is quite the dilemna. He will take a long time, if he plans on working on it. The sucky part is trying to get someone to open up when they are not used to doing it, is going to fall on you to initiate it ...alot. That could get frustrating and make you feel like you are the only one working on it. You are going to have to judge how long you would wait for him, which is essentially what you would be doing. Im assuming he is willing to open up to you, but doesnt know how? Toss in the child and work and that is going to be hard. But to be honest, if I truly listen to what you say, it sounds like you are already at the doorway.... Im not sure how much you are expecting from him, or if its too much for someone who may be really private. Was it like that before you got married, or did it change after the child? Has he declared that he does not want it to be over and will do anything to keep it??
I understand your horrible yo-yo situation, and am sorry you have to go through it right now. Its sounding like you do not have confidence in his trying to change and are tired (totally understandable), so I think you have to focus on what you are willing to accept or not accept. You may not get the complete changes you want, so are you willing to take some or none?
I think this is very telling. You say he will go to individual counselling for you. THAT right there tells you he cares about you. Also I don't think you can blame him for all of your unhappiness. You make this sound like it's entirely a DH problem, but what are you doing to make things better? Maybe he won't hug you, but perhaps he's showing his love in other ways you don't quite see. Have you guys done the love languages thing? It's a little cheesy, but might give you some insight into how each of you give and accepts love.
Thanks, pdx, I was going to say the same thing especially the bolded part. OP it is up to you whether you are done or not but you obviously fell in love with this man for a reason. Have YOU tried leading by example? i.e. hugging him, doing something nice, etc. It does take 2 people and he might be scared sh*tless if you told him that you might leave so he does nothing instead of acting on it.
Personally, when I was done, I knew it. I mean, I. WAS. DONE. If you are still beign wishy-washy, it sounds like you aren't done.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
I've tried, but when I honestly take a look at myself I'm not sure how hard I've tried, and I think part of the reason for that is that I have been kind of checked out. Sunday for example, he was standing in the kitchen with his arms folded, I walked up to him to hug him, and he continued to stand there, arms folded. We weren't fighting or anything, he complained that he was tired so granted maybe he was a little cranky, but still, hug me back!
I don't mean to come accross like this is all on DH, even though I know it sounds this way. I'm sure I'm to blame for part of it too, it takes 2 I know.
I think part of what I'm realizing too is when things are better for us, when I'm not feeling quite so low, it's still just mediocre. It's OK to the point where we get buy day to day, but I'd never say it's been great over the past few years. I've never had a burning desire for my H sexually, I don't know why, and that's something I find that I long for. I can't tell you the last time we went out and truly just had fun together, even though part of that is just our overall differences, we really don't enjoy doing the same things, and that's been a barrier as well.
Our therapist suggested the Love Languages book, I picked it up 2 months ago and it's still sitting on our counter untouched, by either of us.
Not being snarky, but an honest question. Why did you marry him? What attracted you to him?
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
I don't take that as snarky at all, if anything I appreciate the honesty right now.
I was actually just thinking about this the other day, and my honest answer? He was a smart, safe choice.
I had been in some bad relationships, and for once I met someone that was nice, treated me well, and wanted to spend literally every day for me. I think I clung onto that for dear life. I was with someone when I met H, I broke up with this other guy, and within a month DH and I were living together. DH's a good looking guy, but I don't have that intense 'I want you now' attraction to him. Of course I love him and I care for him.
We did used to have fun together, but a lot of that was me comprimising to do things he enjoyed (like hanging at bars...I don't drink), we have a lot of the same friends, so the times we've had fun together, it was usually more of a group setting.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
Thanks, I needed to hear this. The thought of hurting him kills me, but I cannot stay in a relationship where I feel like I'm not 100% in it. I have just dealt with feeling this way for a long time, but I'm finally facing it. I think part of the timing too is that I'm just getting to that age where I'm finally realizing what I want out of life. Everyone says 30 is when you start to finally figure it out and that's how I feel things really started to change for me.
I think part of my therapy is just bringing me to be at peace with my decision. I'm trying not to rush a decision, but I feel like I know what the eventual outcome will be (maybe not a very positive way to look at it, I know). But whatever happens, I can't say I didn't think it through. In a lot of ways I feel like DH deserves someone who can truly be 100% committed to him, and the same for me, we just aren't going to be that way with each other.