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How untrustworthy is this? Am I overreacting?
DH and I have been married 5 years, together 8, as far as I know he's never cheated, but there have been times over the years where I've questioned things...little things...but things nonetheless. Once before we were married I found a phone number in his wallet for example.
Recently, DH told me he ran into this girl he used to work with (who I've met) at a bar. He told me how she was really drunk and this older guy was bothering her, so he was kind of watching out for her, but by the end of the night she convinced DH she was fine so he came home and thought nothing of it. And honestly I though nothing of it at the time, DH is the kind of a guy who would genuinely help someone in an odd situation like that, and I'd trust him to do so.
Until...about a month later...I was calling my brother with DH's phone, and on Android phones for those of you who know, you have a list of favorites that are the people you call most frequently. Well this girl was listed under his favorites, as the very last person on the list.
I asked DH about it, and he told me that one night when he was out with his buddies, who are single, they asked DH to text her to invite her out, because they were interested in her. According to DH, he sent the text, she never texted him back, and that was it. But then I don't understand why she was in his favorites list? I'm not sure if someone can get into the call favorites list through texting or not?
Anyway, I asked DH to show me this text, and it wasn't there, meaning he deleted it.
This happened about a month ago, and as much as I want to believe DH that it wasn't anything I can't get it out of my head. We've been having other marital issues too, and we're seeing a therapist, but this just keeps nagging at me.
I never thought of myself as that wife that has things thrown right in front of her face yet doesn't see them, maybe this is nothing, maybe not? Thoughts? I think I just need some outside opinion on this one.
Re: How untrustworthy is this? Am I overreacting?
I did go online to our account and I looked back a couple of months and couldn't find anything. I don't think I can look at text records, which sucks, because DH is a texter...
I have an Android and I just checked mine. At the very bottom of my favorites, there is an email address. The rest are people I call. There are a couple of people that I text frequently, but haven't actually called from my cell and they are not on my favorite list.
Can you check the cell phone records?
I think what bothers me too, is that he must have deleted the text, or else, where would it go? Our phones are set up to save texts unless they're deleted. Plus, the day after I asked him about it, she was no longer in his favorites list, he said he didn't know there was a favorites list, so I'm guessing once I confronted him about it he deleted it from his favorites list too.
I guess in my mind, if it was a harmless text, why delete it?
I'm sure I'm over thinking this though.
Is there a way to delete someone off of your favorites? I see the option to add, but I don't see how to delete them from contacts without deleting the entire contact.
The deleting of the text would bother me.
Eh, unless he deleted that text and only that text, I wouldn't think anything of it. Don't people periodically delete texts?
Anything else that makes you raise your eyebrows or just this?
I would be tempted to say something like, "You know, we haven't seen that girl in a while. She was always so nice. Why don't we see what she's doing necxt weekend?"
This does should shady IMO.
Not everyone knows this, but many Android phones keep a history log of activity that is a bit tricky to get to unless you know it's there and know to clear it.
if his device has one (not sure who the manufacturer is on his phone, you didnt' say)-- have him give you his phone, go into contacts, at the top there will be catergories, select "logs or history" that'll show call/email/text history. and if you see something with her name, the great thing is (if he doesn't know to clear this) that even if he deletes it on his message inbox, the history log keeps it.
HTH!
Well I often delete my texts because it takes up memory on my android. Did he just delete that message or does he regularly clear his message history?
I don't know though, I think if you have a bad feeling in your gut you should listen to it. Do you have a history of having trust issues with men, or trust issues with this man or is this something new? I saw you also posted about your relationship on SO, so it seems there are a lot of things happening here. Are you looking for a way "out" rather than just the fact that you are unhappy?
To answer some of your questions...
Sometimes he'll delete his entire text history, but I feel like he has a history of deleting specific texts or threads that he doesn't want me to see. For instance, he started smoking again and was hiding it from me, so he was deleting texts to a certain co-worker asking him to meet outside for a cigarette.
SummerSun - I don't think our phones have this option, we have the same phone and I don't see it on mine.
doglove - I don't think I have a history with trust issues overall with men, but right when DH and I started dating, I found out he was still talking to his ex back home and hiding it from me, and I think overall that has still stuck with me over all these years because it was dishonest. I've tried to let it go, telling myself it was 8-9 years ago, but I think it stuck. I'm honestly not sure if I'm looking for an out at this point or not, this has been bugging me for a while now and I've wanted to post about it, as well as our relationship issues overall, so I finally started an AE to post about it. I wonder though if I'm just looking for more reasons to end it...or to convince myself that I should stay.
MrsStubbs - do you know how do I get this (the history of who he sent texts to)? I cannot find it anywhere when I look at our bill online?
Thank you all so much for your input!
Who is your service provider? I know that on Verizon you can see the text history if you go through the data section. I haven't done this in ages but I could try to log on and see, if it would help.
Also, over time, don't texts just delete themselves anyway? I know mine always do. Especially if he texts a lot, it probably auto deletes the old stuff.
If you have Verizon Android the texts don't ever auto delete (at least not on my android)
I would check the text records. I think you can even do it online? At least if you check, and there is nothing there, you can rest assured there is nothing to worry about.
As far as favorites, I had people I rarely talk to under my favorites. I never understood why they were on there, since I never talked to them. My aunt was one of my favorites and I never call her or text her. So that may not be accurate?
I echo all the PPs who said the favorites thing is no big deal. I have no idea how those numbers got into my favorites; they're definitely not numbers I call a lot.
However, with the rest of the background you provided, and your general sense of unease, I would say trust your instincts.
Does he have other sent texts on his phone that are more than a month old? (I don't text or have an Android, but many systems keep recieved messages longer than sent messages.) If you text someone you've never texted before, do they suddenly show up in your favorites?
He may have deleted her from his contacts/favorites because clearly it bothered you that she showed up there. If he's not seeing her behind your back, he may as well delete the contact to keep the peace, right? I don't think that's secretive. You'd already seen her there and you both knew it. Deleting at that point might just be being sensitive to your feelings.
Also, I don't think one or two texts is anything to worry about even if you never see the contents. If he was having an affair with her, wouldn't she show up higher on his list of common contacts? Do you have a rule against him talking to women at all? Honestly, it sounds like you have a history of snooping and for giving him a hard time about things that aren't really your business (the smoking thing), so maybe he deletes innocent things from his phone because he doesn't trust you to know the difference. You can't expect someone to make his life an open book to you if you get judgmental.
Exactly this. I looked and I have a few numbers in my favorites that I never consciously put in there. They aren't even numbers that I regularly call. However, given the other backstory, it seems like he has hidden things from you in the past to a level which would concern me.
Looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck? It's a duck.