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Should I be upset?
My nieces birthday is Sunday so is C's grandparents anniversary. We have gone through this every year since we have been together because the parties are on the same Sunday every year. Well C always finds some way to not go to the b-day party. Well for some reason I thought we could go eat lunch with his family for the anniversary then go to the b-day party since its not until 2; no big deal. Well we got into a disagreement this morning because he doesn't see why he needs to got to the b-day party because he "wants" to spend time with his family-first time I have ever heard him say that! His grandparents live like 5 mins away from us so its his fault for not going and seeing them more often and we are going to OKC to see his dad next weekend. He acted like I didn't want to go see them at all so I brought up the fact that we could eat lunch with his family then leave at like 1:30 to get to the b-day party and acted like that would take precious time away from his dad and grandparents. It really irritates me that he never wants to go to my sisters kids parties BUT I make every attempt to go to everything pertaining to his family. I feel like I am always giving in this area of our marriage and he is not.
Do I have a right to be upset? If not please tell me-I will not get mad.
Re: Should I be upset?
He never has a problem with doing things with my family until it comes to my sister's kids b-day parties. He doesn't care for my BIL so he thinks that is a good enough reason to not go; and then he made the comment of how it would be boring just sitting there watching kids at a kiddie gym. Well you know I get board at his families stuff too but I go to support him. I told him that I don' think it is fair that I go to everything and I mean everything of his families and he doesn't do the same in return. I even missed a Christmas with my family so we could go to his so I think I gave up alot for nothing.
I agree with the others - I think you have a right to be upset, too. Time to have a sit down with him and voice your concerns, because that's not cool.
I'll admit - H and I have run into issues like this in the past. I haven't always been receptive to going to family events for his family because from the second I walk in the door, it's obvious very few people there want me around. We've had talks about this and have come up with a compromise, but it took awhile to get there.
I would probably be upset, too.
H and I run into things like this all the time. I have an extremely large family and we are all pretty close, so we do a lot together. He comes from a small family and they only get together a few times a year. I quickly learned that it's just easier for me to invite him, say I'd love for him to go, and then drop it. I don't want to feel like I've forced him into going somewhere, because then the whole time we're there I feel like I have to entertain him, or he's bored. So, most of the time I just go by myself and enjoy myself and my time with my family. When they ask where he is, I just tell them he's hunting or fishing or whatever (which, is what he's doing with 90% of his free time). I try to do all of his family functions with him, but I don't make it to all of them.
So, yes... I'd probably be a little bit upset, but in the end I would just tell him to do what he wants and you're going to do what you want. To me, unless it's just a huge deal, it's one of those 'pick your battles' things.
The part that makes me mad is that we CAN make it to both. We have lunch at his grandparents at 12 and then the birthday party at 2:30.
Maybe he just wants to stay longer? I agree with a pp -- why make him do something that makes him unhappy, when it isn't necessary, just to please you?
I agree with this in part. On one hand, it's not healthy to keep score. You will only end up disappointed. You can't control his actions, but you can control yours. If always giving (from your perspective) by going to all of his family functions makes you feel taken advantage of or that you aren't getting what you want/need in return, stop always giving. Remove that element from the equation.
On the other hand, I absolutely think spouses have an obligation to do things to make their partner happy. To me that's part of what relationships are about. Why wouldn't you want the person you love to be happy? I know that I personally would feel like a rejection of my family was a rejection of a part of me that i love and that would hurt me.
I agree with this.
Ditto.
Yes, I'd feel hurt. Marriage is a give-and-take relationship; sometimes you do things you'd prefer not to do because you love your spouse and want to keep them happy.
However... It seems like you should learn to say "no" to going to some of his family events before you get too resentful about it. I see no need for either of you to go to all of the inlaw events, especially the ones you know you won't enjoy and will just suffer through for your spouse's sake. Besides the kids' parties, does your H go to other family events of yours?