Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
So TTC while living with family = OK?
I don't understand how not having a place of your own makes you "financially stable" enough to have a kid? IMHO if you are still living with your parents when you are married then there is something wrong with it, and you should get your ducks in a row before you add a kid to the mix.
http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/63759734.aspx
I understand that its done in many other places and culturally accepted there, but it seems like a really bad way to start off!
Re: So TTC while living with family = OK?
I have a friend who did this recently. She was the most together, most organized, most responsible person I ever knew. Because both of her sisters were married and having kids, she felt she was running out of time and married this azzhole bartender from the place my friends used to go to happy hour at. Miraculously, they got married and all of the sudden they moved in with her parents because he had a lot of unknown debt.
And of course, not only did they not only NOT take precautions against getting pregnant... but actively tried to conceive.
And of course, they got pregnant. So they're living with her parents now. On nights when we try to get together with her (the one night a week that he's available to watch his kid instead of having her parents watch her), she brings that azzhole along (once again, leaving the kid with her parents). She's an amazing teacher making about $75k a year and now wants the azzhole to be the sole breadwinner. So she'll throw her career away to make him feel like the big man (and isn't it easy to make that decision when mommy and daddy are acting as your constant parachute).
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
However, if she's not being honest about being financially able to live on their own with a baby, she could be headed for a rough situation. The ability to move out if I wanted to would be the biggest factor if I were her - although I can't imagine wanting to have sex in my MIL's house!
Here's why not.
Because having children (and I don't have any) is a huge responsibility. You are financially, emotionally, physically and spiritually responsible for another living human.
Part of being a responsible adult is providing for yourself. If you cannot pay for your own housing, and support yourself financially speaking how do you think you are responsible enough to support another person in all of those ways?
Remember how things were back then. Some of it was culturally linked; some of it was just an accepted thing to do, particularly if you were a young couple who was starting out right after the war was over.
Not now, though.
If you cannot provide for a wife, you shouldn't be getting married, let alone be married and living with parents and about to spring out a chalupa. Period.
My IL's would LOVE to move in with us... in fact, they wanted us to move next door to them. I told my husband that would occur over my cold dead body. I know its a cultural thing (they are Taiwanese), but sweet baby jesus I would go insane living next to my nit-picking MIL.
I am recently remarried and I have two kids. My H and I are TTC and we will be living with a relative for the next 2-3 years. (separate living quarters)
We had been planning on renting for a few years and didn't want to wait to TTC. A relative asked us to move in to help them out and so we are.
IT does not have to be a bad way to start off. It gets a bad name but as mentioned, in other cultures it's done much more frequently.
The only time I would think it's not a good idea is when you are not paying your way. If you live at your parents home because you can't afford to live elsewhere then there could be an issue with TTC. (because you clearly can't afford yourself at the moment) But even then it depends on the family.
Being "financially stable" doesn't have to mean owning a home. My parents rented while I was growing up and there was nothing wrong with it.
In some areas it makes more sense to rent for some people. It depends on why you are living with your parents. (do you have to or it is a choice)
We have lived with my mom for the past 18 months. And, yes, we actively TTC our daughter. We sold our house of nine years to move in here. We could afford to live on our own but we are living here so that we can pay off all of our debts and buy a house almost entirely with cash. We do pay my mom rent also.
Living with your parent doesn't mean you are a deadbeat.
Thank you.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
I just see this as a big part of what is so wrong with our culture.
I want to be able to pay off all my debt, and have everything else I want (savings, kids, vacations, etc.) too. Part of being an adult, though, is supporting yourself.
Living w/ your family (and ok, you're paying "rent", but obviously you're still getting major support or you wouldn't be doing it) so that you can have it all and have it all right.fcking.now. is, IMHO, not the definition of mature.
It's the definition of, "I want it all, I think I should have it all, and I think I should have it all the second that I want it."
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Hmmm, I find it interesting that you and another poster just assume that our lifestyle immediately defines my husband and I as immature. I see it as just the opposite.
And, we certainly are not obtaining all of our desires immediately! Oh, how I wish! I'm obviously not trying to convert anyone to our ways but it would be nice if people could keep an open mind.
In approximately five years, we will be debt free with about $150,000 in cash for a house. In the meantime, my mom gets to cultivate a very close relationship with two of her grandkids and isn't living alone & lonely (as she was after my dad died).
We pay half the mortgage and all of our groceries. We get a financial break and so does she. With all of the pros involved, why wouldn't we do this? How would putting ourselves in a lesser financial situation make us more mature? We are helping ourselves and my mom now and for the future (she will probably live with us when she can no longer care for herself). To me this decision was the height of maturity.
I am moving in with family to help them out. I can afford to live alone but they need help with their monthly mortage. I am not going to put off my family due to that.
People don't always move in because they need to.
I love when people get all defensive without actually reading about the situation we're referencing.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Yeah, I never said they did.
HOWEVER, in my opinion, paying your bills, paying off debt, and building your savings account (whether for a house, retirement, or just for the sake of savings) are normal, typical, mature, adult responsibilities.
It would be easier to save money if you didn't have to pay rent. It would be easier to pay off debt if you weren't paying a mortgage. And it would be easier to afford just about everything without a child.
Moving in with family in order to cut expenses and then TTC shows a lack of maturity, IMO.
Moving in with your family because they are struggling and need help? That's not the same thing.
My dad has repeatedly stated that we can move in anytime we want to. They'd loooove for us to TTC. For some people it's more important to have a family in the limited time we get to make one than build a savings acct or pay down debt and if you can kill 3 birds with one stone, go for it. Some parents will gladly do whatever they can to have grandkids. I don't see why housing shouldn't be on the list of potential expense cuts to consider when figuring out whether or not you are going to have a family. It's just another expense.
Except the thing is, I agree with you...note that I specified that it wasn't a good idea if they can't support themselves. I'd go nuts in my MIL's house, but if everyone involved wants that, who are we to say it would be a bad idea for them? If they can't afford to be on their own, which OP says they can, then I'd agree that it's a terrible idea. Personally I would never do it because I'd feel irresponsible whether I could afford to leave or not...that, and I can hear parenting differences leading to arguments just thinking about it.