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Having TIP (long)
So if you look at my other post, from a while ago, I'm still with the same person. We worked on this issue of me not being reliable enough for him, I began to truly consider what I can commit to and what I cannot, and things seemed to get better.
Everyone will tell me to end this now, I know it, but I'll keep going.
I really like this guy. Love him. Have I said I love him? No. Because we have a weird thing going on like we are together but aren't. Or were. Because I lived with him in Europe, in his parent's home, for 2 years. But they were conservative and I couldn't be the GF? He also has a serious health issue (can't get off valium) and feels he cannot commit to a GF at this point. I get that, I guess. He knows I wanted to be his GF in the past. He has had 2 or 3 long term relationships before me. So I want to love him like a GF but have always held back because... I'm not. I'm not his GF, I'm a ... friend? Who he likes to have sex with?
We are also 8 years apart. I'm 24. Sometimes I feel like that doesn't matter at all, other times I feel like it's a big wedge.
He can be so kind and caring, but he also can be a harsh critic. He does it in a way that it is to help me... but sometimes I think, "How much can I change? What if this is just how I am?" I get tired of feeling like I mess up a lot.
I've been back in the States, living with my parents (blah) since Xmas. I work at a local restaurant but desperately want to get the out of this town. I have an M.A.
He said he would come to the US for treatment for his problem and to study; we would be living together. Now he feels that living with me would be unstable for him, as some problems have arisen in the meantime between my parents and I (they don't want me to live with him). So now I don't know if he's coming or not, one day we'll talk like he is, the other like he's not, and I get blamed for creating an unstable situation. I assume some of this blame but I also think that he should know by now if he can deal or not and decide.
He paid for many things while I was there for him and I never thought that that could be used against me later. I was always there for him through his illness, I thought that he was being appreciative. I feel indebted to him and I've told him that I want to help him, and I truly do, I want to see him get better. He is a good person, maybe I am seeing that he is not the best person for me, but he is a good person. I don't know what to do. Part of me really loves him, the other part thinks that if he comes here we will just be prolonging an eventual break-up (of a relationship that never happened... can you tell this bugs me?). I don't want to go back on my commitment of helping him, though.
I just don't know anymore what I should do, I'm tired of feeling like a bad person and of feeling caught in limbo in my life. I don't know what I'm asking here, I guess I'm just venting to the only audience I feel I can safely vent to.
Thanks for listening, ladies.
Re: Having TIP (long)
Listen to him when he tells you he doesn't want to be your boyfriend. He's telling you loud and clear. Its YOU that doesn't want to listen.
Time to move on.
Real, loving, adult romantic relationships aren't this complicated. Really, they aren't. Life isn't a soap opera or a reality show where there is drama every week. The 8 year age difference between the two of you isn't a relevant as the maturity gap between yourselves and adulthood.
When two adults love each other and want to share their lives together, they do it. They don't vacillate in every conversation. They make plans, make decisions and proceed forward. They are able to say "I love you" openly because the other person has communicated through their words and actions that the feeling is mutual.
I don't know why you are unable to function without valium or what his medical condition is, but I can tell you that this sturm and drang of your relationship is not good on any level. Get some therapy so you can kick your addiction to this cr@ppy relationship, because I can tell you right now, this relationship isn't going to transform itself into the Grand International Love Story. Let it go. Move along.
I think you need to see a therapist to figure out why you feel you deserve these meager crumbs of a "relationship".
Based on this
He also has a serious health issue (can't get off valium) and feels he cannot commit to a GF at this point.
End the relationship and move on.
This guy isn't for you...and nobody wants a SO with a monkey on his back.
OP, please read this and take it to heart. There is so much in your post that reminds me of myself in college. Totally being into a guy who was into me sometimes, he had problems that I desperately wanted to heal for him, I used this as an excuse for why we weren't "officially dating."
Yeah, no. Once I started dating a guy who was into me I realized that it should never be that hard, require so much justification, or need a lot of self analysis to be with someone.
Let him go. Now. Find someone who want to be with you. You will be four hundred million times happier.
Good God, you're only 24. Do not screw up the rest of your life (and miss out on SO MANY good guys) because you're hung up on an addict who is only using you for sex.
Seriously. I know you don't want to hear it, but the pp's are right--if this guy wanted you as his girlfriend, you'd be his girlfriend right now. Stop deluding yourself that this is going to turn into what you want. It isn't. Time to move on with the rest of your life and find someone who wants to be in a relationship with you, who will be proud to call you his girlfriend, who will marry you. This guy is none of those.
Oh and I would also block his email, phone #, and remove him from anything like fb.
This, now. Give him a call, let him know you won't be making any plans with him, and block all forms of communication. Don't look back, don't wonder what could have been.
Set up your life to make YOU happy.
Thank you all so much. I have also felt that this has just become way too complicated, too painful, and just... wrong. I've only realized this recently, though, because I am so sick of feeling like a bad person. It's hard because I had so many great experiences with him, we traveled a lot together, and he could be so loving. But the issue of us being together or not always bothered me. I was always just his "friend". No one bought it, but he insisted on it. I told him that his insistence on being just friends made me feel like I wasn't good enough to be his girlfriend, and he said that that wasn't it, but he gave the same excuse...
It's really hard, though, because he is telling me that I have messed up his connection with this professor that he would have been working with here for his PhD, because if he backs out of coming here he will look bad. I never wanted to hurt him, but it seems like with his mindset there is no way I CAN'T hurt him at this point.
I've only been in one other serious relationship and that guy was also emotionally manipulative and abusive. What's wrong with me? That's sort of rhetorical.
Thanks to everyone for taking the time to write, really.
You have not messed up his connection with this professor. He's a grown man in his thirties; he should be capable of coming to the States and getting a place to live without his f*ck buddy. DO NOT let him blame you for this. He's trying to guilt you into maintaining your unhealthy relationship for his bebefit.
You should get some therapy to help you figure out why you're attracted to emotionally unavailable trainwrecks.
Oh honey, you should probably throw in a few Al-Anon meetings too.
So if you tell this 32 year old man that you won't let him live with you, he can't arrange to come to the US *and* manage his prescription drug addiction. Really?!!
He wants to blame you for not helping him deal with his addiction. But he also says that living with you would make him so unstable he couldn't fight his drug addiction? He wants to blame you when he doesn't make this "connection" with a professor. Can he not make hotel reservations? Does he not know about Craigslist? Or how to use the phone to contact the university to see if they have some temporary housing he can rent for his visit?
He is a f@cking adult! He should be able to function as an adult. If his addiction impairs him so badly that he can't make some phone calls, nothing you do is going to make a difference.
Tell him to get a nurse.
Or better yet, a prostitute willing to babysit.
People who are emotionally abusive have a wonderful talent for flipping everything so it's YOUR fault, YOU feel guilty, YoU have to fix it when they're the ones messing up. You were never in a relationship you don't owe him anything. I would definitely get into therapy and figure out why you're attracted to people you need to fix, why you feel you owe them and don't value yourself even to cut ties. I also dated my fair share of guys who wouldn't commit an we're usin me, whether they intended to or not. Once I made a conscious decision to stop putting up with the bs I met my now DH pretty quickly after.
Its great that he was an important part of your life for awhile and you have good memories of that time. Once you get out and do some work on yourself you'll still have the good memories without poisoning other areas of your life and your self worth.
What?! Are you seriously buying this? Who cares if you hurt him? Stop for a minute and think of what he's done to you. He doesn't want you as his girlfriend. Full stop. Move on.
Oh, so now you're the Bad Guy because *you* fudged up his chance to come here for school?
Haha.
BTW, how is he planning on getting through school with an addiction?
And aside from that, what does he mean he can't commit? So what are you -- some kind of stand in for the lead actress?
If you want a friend, you'll find your own. And besides, who the heck wants to date a guy who sees you only as a friend??? That's not the goal you have in mind.
Don't waste any more time on him -- break it off with him; the sooner the better -- and ditto everyone else: block him, change your email addy, no access to your pages/accounts wherever you might have them on the interwebs. It's the only *friend*ly thing to do.:)
You want to know *what* is wrong with you --- I think it would be a great idea to dump this guy and call a good long moratorium to dating -- and see a therapist to find out why you were willing to settle for such lemons. You'll find out how to avoid guys like these in the future.
Don't settle for what's already been broken. You can do much better than this.
haha. Good one. There's lots of hookers out there whose specialty is infantilism.
That's the thing, sometimes I felt like I was taking care of a child while I lived with him. I have my own share of mental health issues, and I take an SSRI for them. It was hard having to hold back my problems because his were "so much worse" than my own.He also doesn't like to make phone calls and stuff. It's funny, because he puts a lot of work into researching his health problem (it is an actual health problem, protracted withdrawal syndrome) but when it comes to his academic and professional life, he can't seem to move forward with anything. And I feel bad, because I truly want him to succeed, he is a very smart man and I don't want this problem to take away his chances of success. But it feels like it is just out of my hands now. And I don't want to be with someone long-term who is frustrated with life and what they haven't achieved.
I know everyone is right, this is so hard, though... it really is... especially after I spent so long romanticizing things in my mind, like how it would be after he got better, etc. When I met him he was well. I liked him the moment I saw him. It just hurts so much because I feel like I don't even know him anymore, and I don't know myself, either.
He is a grown-azz man and it's not your fault that he's not working hard enough to fix himself. The only person to blame for the mess he's in is himself. He chose to start taking drugs and to string you along, and this is what he gets for it. IT' S ALL HIS FAULT, NOT YOURS.
I think you identify with this guy somehow and you feel some sort of connection.:(
And jut for that he-doesn't-know-if-he-can-commit issue...ugh. A guy who is dating a woman for 2 years knows by that point whether or not marriage/committment is imminent. The expression is sh!t or get off the bowl. He's in his 30s? What's he waiting FOR?
He should be dandling a baby on his knee at this stage of his life!
Instead he's farting around and giving you a whole lot of kabuki about how he can only view you as a "friend."
Who needs him??? You don't!
"Don't you want to marry a man who wants to marry you?" is what I heard on a talk show radio program about 2 or 3 weeks ago. Food for thought.
This guy is seriously in denial; wants to come here to get help for his valium problem? Forget it. Let him do that in his own country, if he's so motivated to get help for his addiction. He's probably using that to sweeten the bait for you; don't fall for it.
you liked him the moment you saw him? Sheesh...nothing wrong with that, but that ain't gonna be the last guy you like from the moment you see him.
You sound like a smart person. Why do you want a guy who doesn't have his act together? He needs a fire lit under him, he's got no motivation and he's immature -- he's blaming you for his school admission "problem." He also is wasting the best years of your life...only sees you as a friend. That's motivation and reason enough for you to cut bait and go. He's not for you --- I'd do it quickly as possible and make it a clean break in one fell swoop.
If you want friends, ffs -- you will join a meet-up group or some other social group. Eff that noyze, as a pp put it so aptly.
Handle this guy with kid gloves. You never know.
And give serious thought to the therapy suggestion. As i said, you need to find out why you thought it was acceptable to date these lemons -- and lemons that don't want commitment. (you probably have a commitment issue yourself -- this is a pattern you've got of dating guys whose goal is not marriage.)
Give serious-er thought to the dating moritorium, also. Take a good year off from dating; do something YOU want to do -- you probably have a bucket list of someday-in-the-future endeavors. Why not pursue one?
Serious, who cares if he does hate you? He has treated you like absolute sh!t and doesn't care if you are hurt by his actions. You need to let go of him. You will be much happier without him, I promise.
Good news: you don't have to break up with him. Because you aren't really dating. He is stringing you along, and you deserve so much better than that. Find a guy who actually wants to date you.
Breakups are never easy. Not even when you're breaking up with a jerk like this one -- and boy is this ever a jerk.
Just disappear. Cut off all communication with him; you don't even have to tell him you're going. Too bad for him; let him figure it out on his own.
I'll go the pp one better:
Good news: you don't have to break up with him. Because you aren't really dating. He is stringing you along, and you deserve so much better than that. Find a guy who thinks you're incredible and wants to shout it from the rooftops how wonderful you are.
I've only been in one other serious relationship and that guy was also emotionally manipulative and abusive. What's wrong with me? That's sort of rhetorical.
Thanks to everyone for taking the time to write, really.
I'll touch on this first. Nothing is wrong with you, except your age. You're young. Young people are somewhat less cynical and a bit more naive. You liked him, you thought you could help him. You admit that you romanticize the relationship. I mean, that's really it. Or at least a lot of it. I find the other big thing that's present when women keep picking the wrong man is that they're insecure. They don't think a good catch would be interested in them, so they need a man with flaws in order to balance the relationship. If you think that's an issue with you, then yes, you need therapy.
I think the way to choose a mate is really to examine that person's characteristics on paper (figuratively....I don't think I ever really made a list).
It sounds kind of ruthless, but I never even bothered getting emotionally invested in a person who I felt was fundamentally incompatible with me. So, make sure you get to know a person before becoming invested in them romantically. That goes a long way towards avoiding the abusive idiots.
As for everything else, relationships shouldn't be this much of a game. If a man likes you (and then loves you), he'll want to be with you. Not sort of be with you. That right there IS your answer. If he loved you, he wouldn't want to risk losing you with all of this friend/not ready to be in a relationship, etc B.S. You really are just a friend with benefits and you're doing yourself a disservice by thinking you'll ever be more than that.
I'd just tell him you want a clean break and that you can't be his crutch anymore. He'll probably just find another person to do it anyway.