Starting Over
LemonLover33
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
How long did you wait until dating again?
S/O of the ring post.
When did you feel emotionally ready to date again. It's only been a little over two months since we decided on divorce and will be another two before it's finalized. When did you feel ready? I'm at the "maybe I'll just be single forever" mindset because I'm having such a rough split. Other days I just want to say fuvck it when a guy starts flirting with me.
Re: How long did you wait until dating again?
I casually dated a bit about six months after we split. My situation was a little different though. DS was so little it made dating next to impossible at first.
I would say I was emotionally ready to really date (where my goal would have been to be in a relationship, even though I have really yet to have a serious relationship-post divorce) about one and a half to two years after we split. Keep in mind though that my situation was more difficult to get over than I thought it would be because of the level of emotional/verbal abuse as well as trust issues because XH cheated and essentially lived a double life.
I think that everyone's timeline is different though. When you're ready to take the chance again and you aren't letting your past fears and hang-ups hold you back THEN I think you're ready to get out there again.
STBXH wanted a divorce on July 4th so we have been separated since then. In 3 weeks, if everything goes according to plan, we will be officially divorced. I've been in weekly individual therapy this whole time and still feel like I am not where I want to be quite yet.
I know there is a guy that is sincerely interested in me, we have the same careers, we both each have a son, share same experiences, both have hearing loss and no communication issues and exactly at the same place in life... However, I am doing my best to to be not open to dating quite yet. If he is meant to be, he will wait.
I strongly believe that you attract others that are alike and since I want the best, I need to be at my best. It's gets hard because I do get lonely at times and I want my comfort. But that is the thing; comfort usually means knowing or familiar with something that I knew and grew up with or experience. To go beyond my usual habits and knowledge, I need to get out of my comfort zone and embrace the weird new strange feelings I encounter. It takes a lot of bravery to do this and this is my goal is to reach a position where I am who I want to be and not let fears tame me down to my usual comfort zone that I grew up with. I just want to make sure I am living my life for me and not jump from relationship to relationship to get that "normal" feeling.
I know it is hard and good luck for whatever path you take.
I haven't read the other responses, so forgive me if I repeat something.
I started casually dating about three months after I split. I sporadically went on dates for about 4 months before I gave up on dating... that was in September or October. I met my now-boyfriend in early January at a meetup event.
About a month after we separated I was out at bars just having fun and flirting. Not looking for anything serious by any means, but I wanted to feel what it was like to be single and free.
I waited until after the divorce was final (4 months after we separated) to sign up for match, as I did want to date and see who was out there, but again wasn't looking for anything super serious. Looking back this was probably too soon to sign up for a dating service as I think it would have been good to do some self-reflection beforehand, with a therapist.
I should also say, I was the one who initiated the divorce and had mentioned to XH about 5 months prior to separating that I thought I wanted out. We went to counseling and that helped me realize that, indeed I wanted to end the marriage. There was also a lot of time spent prior to that in counseling (both together and apart). I think all of that helped me "feel" more ready to date, even though I probably should have waited a bit longer.
A little over a year, though I'm not in a relationship now and it's been a year and a half. I cannot stress the importance of taking plenty of time for YOU and you alone. I was really anxious to start dating right away...and I went out on a few dates. Had they worked out, I would have rushed into a relationship quickly and not realized SO MANY important things that I have had time to self reflect on in the past year. People told me "Oh, make sure you wait!" and I was one of the first people to say "oh, whatever, I'm in counseling, blah blah blah" but honestly...they say it for a reason.
I can now truly go into a relationship head on and handle it much better than had I start dating only a few months post-divorce. It's not easy to be alone right after going through a divorce, which I think it why people find comfort in dating earlier than they should. but it's SO important to make it through on your own, know yourself, and feel comfortable being YOU before you jump in with someone else.
I also give a side-eye to those that say "oh, well, my marriage was over months before we actually went forward with it! So it's fine that I am dating again!". Yes, it's different for everyone. However; you still need time to mourn your relationship. Perhaps learn from why it took you months from the "time your marriage was over" to the time it took you to get divorced. I do understand that once you file, certain states have super long waiting periods and that's a bit different than those that felt their marriage was over long before they filed.
I went a little wild after my divorce but I wouldn't have called it seriously dating. I'm dating now (divorce was final in September) but that's after months of therapy and coming to terms with everything. I'm definitely not looking for a husband right now, more like getting back out there and dating different types of men.
FWIW, I initiated my divorce 6 months after I was "done" but needed to come back to the US and establish residency before filing. My situation was a little different than most.
I went on my first date about 3 months after we filed. Way too early.
About 6 months later (so 9 months post-split) I started dating a bit more seriously, met a few people, went on lots of first dates. I didn't find anyone I clicked with, so I thought maybe I was being too picky because I wasn't ready to date yet.
Exactly a year to the day after we decided to split, I met my now bf. I was actually ready to take a break from dating and said to my mom that this was my last first date for a while ... I needed a break, but already made plans to meet the guy for lunch, so an hour wouldn't kill me. Turned out to be a great thing that I went as we are now living together (it's been almost a year and a half since then) and talking about marriage.
You will know when you are ready. And it takes some trial and error. You may think you are ready, but then you go out and you aren't. And you have to know that that is ok.
It took me about a year to seriously date again. I dipped my toe in the water a few times in that year, but nothing came of it. I needed to finalize my divorce and work some stuff out with a therapist before I could be a partner to someone again.
It's OK to be single. I'm really glad I had that "me" time.
It's been 3 months for me and I'm just starting to date. I'm in no way looking for a relationship- just looking to go out and have some fun.
I started counseling as soon as I left my h, I've gone every week, and even my counselor sees no reason for me to not be dating if that's what I want.
I waited over 4 years to start dating again.
I did have a FWB for a few years though...
I didn't wait that long because I didn't feel ready, I just didn't want to start dating again.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
We officially separated May 31st 2011 and I haven't started dating yet. And I am totally fine with that. I don't feel ready. My divorce is not final yet, house is for sale, I am looking for a new job and to move to a new city, I am going through therapy...there are still so many ties to this relationship that it doesn't make sense for me to date yet. Once the divorce is final and I am out of this house, I'll feel like a HUGE baggage will be off my shoulder and I'll be in a better mindset to date. All ties to my marriage will be severed soon and all I'll have is a blank page to start over.
Seriously, I don't care if I get flamed for this but 75% of the ladies on this board started dating way too soon and they pay the price for that. Take your time!
I left my ex two years ago this April... I haven't been in a serious relationship since but I have dated a few men.. some really casually and some with more intimacy.
I went on a date about 5 months after I left and it was too soon... I tried again a few months after that and didn't find anyone I was interested in.
I started traveling like crazy and then moved out of the country so I put having a relationship on hold while I further my career. Since being in Australia I have met a really nice guy but we aren't dating seriously and we don't have a future together.
When I get back to the US in June I am going to live in Idaho for one more year and then probably head to the East Coast. I don't plan on dating anyone seriously in the next year.... maybe by next summer I will be ready for a real relationship. It will be a little over 3 years at that point which I feel is a good amount of time to heal and have fun being single.
I am not really worried about being single and/or not finding someone. There are lots of wonderful men in the world that would love to be with me. I know that eventually I want to be in a committed relationship and if I decide to have children I want to be married to that person.