Sex & Romance
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First time having sex
My fianc? and I are saving sex for marriage so in the meantime I'm curious if I anyone has advice, tips or things to keep in mind. How bad does it hurt the first time? If I'm aroused and wet will that make it less painful?
Re: First time having sex
Yes, being aroused and wet makes it more comfortable. Pain depends on the person. My first time felt tight, but didn't hurt. I know people who had to take breaks because of the pain and work up to actual sex. Buy lube in case you aren't wet enough. Sometimes if you aren't relaxed, you won't get wet.
If you haven't been already, I suggest "fooling around" before marriage. It makes the transition much easier. If you have already touched each other and worked on the progression towards sex, it will just be the next step in the sequence. If you haven't done anything intimate, jumping straight to sex may be abrupt. Also, if he has fingered you, sex will probably be less painful.
Good luck.
Time for my TMI horror story, but I tell it with love.
The first time I tried to have sex, there wasn't enough foreplay and we didn't use lube. Biggest mistake ever, especially since we were using a condom. You may think you're wet enough and you may think your condom has enough lube, but seriously, use lots of lube and lots of foreplay. Lube is your best friend.
After the painful lack of lube causing way more trouble than it needed to, I found out that even with proper lube, my body is too small for sex. Not even joking. Some women say sex has never hurt, but it hurt a lot for me (although being aroused did help). I couldn't do anything; it took until the 6th time we had sex for me to be able to handle enough movement for him to finish. With time and patience, sex eventually got good, but it still hurts sometimes because, like I said, I'm not built for this.
I'm not trying to scare you. I haven't heard of anyone other than my mom and people with vaginismus having problems like this. But I just want to warn you that it's not always like what you see in the movies or read in books. Patience is key, especially from your SO. He may have this grand idea built up in his head (I know mine did, and so did I), and if there are any troubles, it could be really disappointing for him. Communication is critical. Don't do it if it doesn't feel good, because if you do, your body will expect that and make even sex more difficult.
Maybe everything will be perfect for you, and I hope it is. I wish someone would write a book on losing your virginity, instead of it just being a footnote in women's health books.
H and I saved sex for marriage too.
It varies woman to woman how bad it hurts, how many attempts it takes to not hurt etc. Yes if you're aroused & wet it can be less painful. Honestly what hurt the most for me was when my hymen was broken. Other than that it was mildly painful for the first week and got less so every time.
Lube and foreplay are your best friends. Also communication with your H. My muscles in and around my vagina were sore for 12-24 hours after each time for the first week so I communicated when I was ready to try again with him. Also what feels good and what doesn't are good to communicate to each other, obviously.
GL to you both.
Yes, it varies woman to woman. If the vaginal opening is small or occluded, it might hurt a lot.
When you masturbate, do you insert toys? How does that feel? That would probably be a good way to tell.
I had fun my first time but after a few minutes it started to hurt so we stopped right away and called it a day. This happened for 2 or 3 days until I could actually finish and get my boyfriend to come and have fun the whole time. Like someone else said, having him finger you is supper important and so is masturbating so you know your body well.
What I didn't know then that I wish I did is:
Pee right after you have sex so you don't get a UTI and shower/wash off so you don't get a yeast infection.
From my expereince and what friends tell me condoms are very likely to break in that first few weeks since you both are akward and getting used to them so have a back up ready.
If you aren't using condoms - come doesn't stay in you, it comes right back out and makes a big mess. It seems stupid now, but I was totally surprised the first time this happened.
Have panty liners ready.
Don't expect to orgasm from sex anytime soon. A lot of women can only orgasm from foreplay/oral sex.
My husband and I were also virgins. We hadn't gone super far before getting married, so it was all pretty new to us on our wedding night! It definitely hurt me, to be honest. I'm pretty small too, according to my gyno & we're still working on some stuff. If your husband is patient and caring, it will help tremendously. (It sounds like he is since you're waiting for the big day!) Many women (and maybe even your gyno) will tell you to masturbate & use toys, but if that's not an option for you (like for me, due to religious beliefs), I'd suggest going to your gynocologist asap & then just lots of practice once you're married
As far as tips & advice leading up to the wedding-get yourself excited! Go lingerie shopping, have a bachelorette party, etc. Prepping for the big night & getting kind of excited for it will help you be more relaxed & confident on the night of!!
My husband and I were virgins when we were married as well
As previously stated, the pain varies from women to women. It actually took us a couple of days to go all the way. As a pp said, going from 0-60 is a lot in one day!
Communicate with your fiance now and especially after you are married what your expectations are.Makes things so much easier to be on the same page.
Don't feel pressured, take things at the pace you both are comfortable with. There is nothing wrong with exploring each others bodies for a couple of days until you are ready for full intercourse. Note: don't leave your hubby hanging though - if he isn't finishing in you then give him some other kind of stimulation!
Lube is your best friend - seriously.
RELAX! Do not work your self up over this and then be extremely tense on your wedding night. Being tense will make whatever pain you feel worse x10.
Have fun! This a beautiful, intimate and sweet thing! Hope that helps!
We were also virgins on our wedding night. My best advice is, let it happen naturally. Don't try to go, "Okay, we're going to have sex now," because that is what made me tense up and made it impossible to insert the first time. After I cried about being the worst wife ever (seriously!) I calmed down and we made out, still naked. And we basically ended up humping until it slid in.
ETA: And don't expect it to work right every time! We had maybe a 50% success rate on the honeymoon.There are still times that we want to have sex and end up not getting it in or not finishing for whatever reason. It happens to everybody, apparently.
Our wedding was just two weeks ago and my husband and i waited till our wedding night to have sex. Relax, take your time, and have fun! Personally, I underestimated the pain of penetration GREATLY, but my husband was so incredibly patient and loving throughout the process. The wait was most definitely worth it. My practical advice would be...
1. Lots of foreplay. Kiss, neck, touch eachother. The more aroused you are the better. We had HOURS of foreplay and it made the "moment" even bigger and special for us.
2. Use lube. I was a little funny about having to use lube (like im not a full "woman" if i cant produce enough wetness naturally.) Please. Now that im a married WOMAN, a tube of lube lives on our nightstand. Lol. Now that we're more comfortable with sex, sometimes we use it, sometimes we can barely get to it. Haha. Overall, it will make your first several times together more comfortable especially for you. DEFINITELY use it your first time.
3. Don't be shocked if you see a little blood the first couple times. I think I saw blood the first 2-3 days.
4. You will be sore, walking, and sitting funny for the first couple days.
5. ENJOY learning eachother and lovingly communicate what works, what doesn't work. Not everything will "work". Learning eachother has been some of the most fun and the most hilarious laughs with my husband.
6. Pee after sex. You'll avoid urinary track infection. Wet wipes are a good idea as well.
Thats all I can think of. Have so much fun! It's worth the wait!
One thing that people usually don't mention is that if it does hurt, your instinct will be to stay still and wait for the pain to stop. Fight that. The pain fades very quickly if you keep moving.
Also, don't be shocked if sex is completely counterintuitive and noninstinctive. I know people say that it's all natural and you'll know what to do, but when we lost our virginities to each other (we didn't wait for marriage, but we did get together fairly young), we were surprised at how noninstinctive it was. It was tricky getting it in, and when we finally got it in, we were all uncoordinated and couldn't figure out how to move to make it go right. I swear, if we hadn't heard or read anything about sex beforehand, I'd have ended up with a penis in the ear or something - it's THAT weird and noninstinctive. Once you get the hang of it, it feels like the most natural thing in the world, but just starting? No.
That's exactly how I felt about it! I didn't read anything other than romance novels before my first attempt and it failed so bad. Then I read some real books and talked to my friends and was like, "Oh...I get it." Although it's been a year and he still can't always get it in on the first try.
You're right about the pain, too. Obviously if it's excruciating, don't keep going, but if you can take the pain, moving is the best way to turn it pleasurable.
DH and I also waited. Its worth it...congratulations on making it!
Being aroused does help, but I would definitely recommend using lube to start. If you are using condoms, make sure you use a water based lube, not oil based (oil based can cause the condoms to break) Also dont jump right to the his and hers stuff...we had a bad experience with those and so did several friends of mine. stick with the basics to start.
Take Ibuprofen or similar right before. It will help with soreness after.
Put a towel under you so you arent worried about getting blood on the bed or anything (the less to worry about, the better. focus on the moment and relax)
Keeping hand towels or Toilet paper next to the bed for clean up is helpful too.
Experiment with different condoms if you use them. They are not all created equal. The first ones we used had a really strong smell and I thought we were going to have to live with that forever. Then we bought a variety pack in a different brand and I couldnt believe the difference.
Always pee right after. Some of the best advice I was ever given
Our first night was definitely awkward in a lot of ways, but so amazing. I'm not saying it was great sex or anything, that takes time, but learning together and taking your time makes for a great experience. Don't rush, relax. If you get going and start to tense up, take a break until you feel relaxed again. Relaxing is key
It did hurt the first time, but not so bad i couldnt stand it. moving around definitely helps. I pushed through the first time even though it hurt some because i knew that the next time would be better (and it most definitely was)
Practice
And no, guys are not always in the mood...I didnt know that before marriage...I have been turned down a few times by DH, and at first I thought there was something wrong with him, but I get it now. Guys get tired, get headaches, sometimes just want to snuggle, etc too.
And as a PP said, if you arent using a condom, the stuff does come right out after (I didnt expect that either!). Bring panty liners.
The most important thing is communicating and being patient. Enjoy! There's nothing like it.
I know this post is old, but I see this topic pop up a lot, so maybe someone will still read this, so here goes...
My first tries at sex WERE painful. It wasn't until the second try that we even successfully had sex, and then not until the fourth or fifth time that I could honestly say I really enjoyed it. Fortunately, it has only gotten better and better over the years.
What made the major difference for me in bringing it from painful to passionate was experimenting with different positions. Missionary may sound like a nice, simple position to start with, but really it can be awkward, and the woman has very little control. If your male partner is also inexperienced, it might be hard for him to gauge how quickly/deeply to go, which can cause you to be poked in an uncomfortable way or just get slammed into before you're ready. I found that when I got on top of him and had all the control, I could relax and go slowly, which made penetration practically painless. Now it doesn't hurt at all, no matter what position we're in.
Intercourse always, sorry to say it, has a potential to hurt you. If you're not lubricated, or not ready, it can still hurt, no matter how many times you've done it. Take things slowly! Romance novels and movies always depict guys just plunging in there in one fell swoop, but that's a good way to hurt the girl involved. Really, there's no rush!