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When it was finally over...
I've come here a lot for advice over the last couple of months, and you all have been great in offering opinions...so here I go again.
A while ago I asked, how do you know when it's over. The majority of you said you just know.
Part of my issue today, is I feel like I'm 90% out, but I just keep hanging on to that 10%. I have been down and unhappy for about 6 months now. I've told my H what I'm unhappy with, nothing is changing. We've seen a therapist, who we both agreed we didn't like, so after 6 sessions stopped.
The reasons I think of staying together probably aren't the best reasons to stay. They're financial. Or for our DD. My reason to stay isn't because I love him so much I can't be without him. H is a great father, and in some ways he's a great H. That is what makes this so hard. He's a good person, a nice person. He has never really done much wrong in our marriage, I'm just not happy. One of the problems is he doesn't give me the affection I need, and there's no intimacy with us. Something I've relized through therapy too, is that it's not necessarily all of the things he's doing wrong (I'm trying not to poitn the finger to him so much) it's that I've changed, and my needs have changed. Really in the 9 years we've been together he hasn't changed much at all. he's the same person I met 9 years ago. I'm the one who has evolved and changed as our lives have changed with having a child, getting married, having a home, a career.
I don't know if we should give another therapist a shot or not. Part of me (the 10%) thinks maybe just to say I really did try everything (although right now I feel like I can say I've really tried). But the other 90% of me says it's done, I can't go on like this, I can't keep going back and forth in my head. I am seeing someone on my own as well FWIW.
Even as an example of something small I've done to try to fix things, about 3 weeks ago we were lying in bed talking, and I told him, just one time a day, hug me. That's it. Just give me 1 hug a day, that'll make a big difference for me. Well, that was 3 weeks ago and I have yet to receive a hug. I feel like it's things like that where he just doesn't even hear me. He doesn't get it. By the time he does it'll probably be too late.
So one of my questions is, did you know it was done for a while? Did something specific happen to get you to that point where you knew you were 100% done? Or did the unhappiness just build and build until finally you got there?
In some ways I feel like I know divorce is going to happen for us at some point, it's just a matter of getting from my 90% to 100% to say I'm done. Probably not the best way for me to view things right now, but that's how I feel.
Thanks again for any input.
Re: When it was finally over...
He hasn't changed in 9 years and you can't expect him to change. You need to decide on whether you want to live like this for the rest of your life or not. I hate to be so blunt about it, but he isn't going to change.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
Honestly, I appreciate your being blunt about it. I think I need that right now. I feel like I keep asking myself, how many times do I have to tell him...how many times do I need to repeat myself...only for it to stay the same in the end. I think I'm slowly coming to that realization.
I agree with RP. Maybe you should consider individual counseling to help you get through this on your own, you know?
I did marriage counseling for a bit with my XH and then started individual counseling and it really helped me cope with the divorce as well as making a plan to move forward in my life.
I can't believe your H won't even hug you. I'm so sorry.
I felt unhappy in my marriage for a while, and like you, I communicated to my H what my issues were and what I needed from him. He refused to hear me until I was ready to leave, and by that time it was too late.
There was a specific event which made me know I was 100% done. It was like flipping a switch. I wasn't ready to accept my decision, and I ended up staying and hoping that my feelings would change for four months after that. It was miserable, and I wish I would have just left when I knew it was over for me instead of punishing myself and giving H false hope that things could be different.
For me it's helpful to think about how I would feel in the marriage if there was no way out (i.e.pretend there was no such thing as divorce). I would feel trapped, suffocated, and unhappy. That tells me that I need to get out. Aside from that I feel at peace with my decision. I know I'm doing the right thing.
::lurker here::
I'm where you are except it's me, I'm the jerk who doesn't want to give MH affection. My unhappiness has been building and building. We were separated but living together during my 2nd pregnancy and then reconciled shortly after my second son's birth almost 2 years ago. I was apprehensive, but wanted my boys to have two parents living together. I was stupid. I fell out of love with him a while ago and it's not coming back. He's either an idiot or he's in denial about the state of our marriage because he acts like nothing's wrong even though we've only been intimate once in 2 1/2 years. The only thing preventing me from having the divorce conversation right now is finances and our children... but it's coming. I'm shutting down from him even more, and I think he senses it but doesn't want to confront. I hate myself for what I'm about to do to our family.
To answer your question, I've known it was done for a bit now but for whatever reason I'm really confronting it emotionally and mentally right now. I'm not happy and my boys deserve a happy mom. Good luck to you!