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Starting over...not by choice
My husband left us a week ago and will be pursuing a divorce. We've been married for 4 1/2 years and have been together for 12 years (since we were 16) We have two sons together, one is 3 and the other will be one next weekend. We've had a difficult year since our second son was born. He was a difficult baby in the beginning and it added a lot of stress to our relationship.
He's decided that he just doesn't love me anymore, but has not (or will not) give me any real reasons on why he feels that way. Over the last year he's become extremely moody, angry if I ask him any questions about what he's doing or what the boys did during the day. He takes it as me attacking his parenting decisions instead of just the simple questions so I can know how the boys are.
I have no idea how I'm supposed to move on from this. He says his decision is final, but I'm just so angry that he's just giving up on us. I can't even begin to picture what the rest of my life will look like. All of my dreams and hopes included him and raising our family together.
Re: Starting over...not by choice
Get into counseling STAT.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
She meant individual counseling. You need someone to talk to in order to get your feelings in order. Unfortunately it sounds like your H has made up his mind and you're going to need someone to help you work through your feelings and deal with co-parenting.
I'm sorry you've found yourself here. The board is a great support system though.
I hate to say it but the first thing that comes to my mind is could he be seeing someone else?
He's said multiple times that he isn't, but I'll never know 100% I suppose. He either works or he's at home...doesn't go out with friends that often. He also works with all guys (paramedic) so unless he's "seeing" a nurse when he drops his patients off I tend to believe him, but like I said I guess I'll never know.
I am so sorry and I am in the same predicament as you. My stbxh also decided abruptly to leave me and we have a 17 month old together. He decided this when DS was 10 months and gave no reason other than that he "never" loved me and was tired of waiting for his feeling to come. I didn't see it coming and had no clue. We were trying for another baby at the time and selling our home so I can be a stay at home mom. Suddenly my life changed overnight.
I immediately signed up for individual therapy and have gone weekly since. Therapy has been a life saver. Try to focus on what is important every day, this is what is helped me through along with connecting with my close friends and family. I continue to strive to give the best life I could for DS and to be the best mom I can be. DS is what is making
The reason my XH initially gave me for wanting to leave? That he just didn't love me anymore. The real reason? He was having an affair with his co-worker, who he is still dating today (1.5 years later).
I'm not saying this to be harsh, but you have to consider everything. I was in denial for a real long time about his affair. I had the chance to look through our phone records after he moved out still, since we shared a plan, and I couldn't bring myself to do it. Once I finally convinced myself to do it, there was her number...multiple times a day, EVERY SINGLE DAY. It was looking at me in B&W -- there was no denying it and that is what really helped me to move forward with my decision to file for divorce.
Best of luck to you! Check out the Single Parents board on TB too!
Interesting... I don't think my stbxh was ever seeing anyone else either. He also didn't want to go out with friends and he is rarely ever on the phone. STBXH does not have the ability to connect with people emotionally. He is either asperger or in denial of his own self.
But what I really want to say, what ever he does or say is about him and not you. It is obvious he is the one with the issue. Try to focus on being the healthy you as you can be and do not take what he does personally.
Please Please Please...amke sure you protect your assets. Copy ALL records...bank...phone...mortgage...pay stubs...tax returns,....do this asap!
I was also going to say he may be having an affair. Sorry to hear this, good luck. I think counseling is a good idea.
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This is exactly what happened to me.
We were together 8? years, married 3? years, and he just told me that he didn't love me anymore, and not really sure if he ever did. When I asked him to elaborate, he wouldn't/couldn't. I found out a month after we separated that he had been cheating on me for 6 months (and he's still with her now).
I know it's not what you pictured, but now you get to pick someone as an adult, with an adult's wisdom and experience. That can't help but go better, right? Plus, think of all the fun you're going to have, experiencing first kisses and falling in love all over again. Door closed, window open and whatnot.
*supportive shoulder pat*
I wanted to share my condolences. Also I think counseling for you is a really great almost have too idea - if you can find someone who has a social work background that may help with the whole co-parenting thing as well.
I also agree with getting your financials in order ASAP. Since he said he is leaving I would get your own account in your name as well and any money that is of your earnings (not sure of your situation there) in that account.
I am sorry this is happening to you. Go see a new therapist for yourself. It will really help. Your therapist will give you the tools to overcome all the stressful moments you're going to have. He/she will be the person who will get what you're going through and be able to help positively.
Now as to why your H left. Well, the 1st thing that came to my mind was he wants to experience other women. This is one of the reasons my XH left I believe. When we met in our early 20s, I had had sex with several guys, he only had sex once in his life. So of course, I am sure he felt he was missing out when his friends were talking about their GFs a couple years later. We will never know for sure, but I am pretty sure it's either this or cheating/crush he wants to act on.
Stay strong. It will get better. Take you time and look forward to new and better things!
I didn't feel like I had a choice when my husband moved out to "work on" himself either. It was an incredibly helpless feeling and I remember just feeling like I was Alice in Wonderland, tumbling down the dark rabbit hole. Thing is, when I found out the truth (i.e. he was still seeing his g/f) I got mad and finally regained control of my life. I demanded a divorce and told him that since this was all his doing he would be financing it.
Now, my life is pretty stinking great and I can see things so much clearer than I did when I was still in that fog of uncertainty. It hurts like hell to go through it, but you can, and will, come out on the other side.
Stay strong and I second the suggestions to get into individual counseling as well as protecting your assets.
This. And ditto the affair.
I would suggest getting yourself tested for STDs asap.
I am sorry you are going through this! I don't really have much more to say that hasn't already been said other then the following.
In response to the bolded;
Really he only works with guys and he is a paramedic. (I don't know how it is where you live but I am a paramedic, female, and here it is 60% male and 40% female) As a paramedic our schedules are all messed up and he could easily be seeing someone on the side.
All of the people at his department are guys. And I know it's still possible that there could be someone else, but the way our schedules work out I don't know when it would happen (not trying to be naive, I just really don't know when he'd have the time) I work part-time and every day that I work he either stays home with the boys or he's also working. So he's either doing it when I'm at work and taking the boys along with him, or he's doing it with someone at the hospital where he takes his patients while he's working. He doesn't go out with friends often, once a month is probably a generous guess on how often he does. Who knows though, it's still possible.
Here's the thing, affairs don't always need face to face time. My XH was either at work or home with me....always. That didn't prevent him from emailing/texting/facebooking and getting involved in an emotional affair.
I'm sorry you are going through this. My situation was similar and I found out a week after I moved out that he was dating his coworker. He had told me all those same things that he wasn't happy and he went on for a month or so saying he needed his space. I'm assuming while he was taking space he was spending the time with her. I finally decided to move out and get a lawyer because it was very obvious that he was done but too chicken to pull the plug himself.
My advice to you is get a lawyer and a counselor right away. Also, regarding property you will want to change the locks if he moves out or if you move out take EVERYTHING you want now because if you don't it is impossible to get the items later.
And ditto getting copies of all financial records. You need bank balances and proof of his income if you can get it. And if it were me I would probably transfer all your money to your own account and let him deal with trying to get it back from you. You will probably need the money if you are going to be taking primary custody of your children.
This was my experience as well.
I do want to say, he might not have left because of another woman, or at least a specific one. I have a hunch that, to him, the grass was greener and he wanted to explore his adult life unimpeded by a wife and two kids. It really, really sucks, I'm sorry.